Thursday, April 24, 2003

You ain’t straight- up front’n me, now are you Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

I said, was it good for you too?
*According to the tabloids, they say Clinton is wearing hearing aids in both ears. He is losing his hearing. If it keeps up, Clinton’s girlfriends will have to learn how to fake their orgasms in sign language.

Stay tuned
*I love the local news ads: “Are you choking to death on food right now? Find out how save your own life, tonight at eleven.”

Now that’s white
*There are albino activists who claim that society is prejudiced against albinos. Trent Lott was especially shocked to discover that someone can actually be too white.

Nobody listens to me
*Retired Gen. Jay Garner is in Iraq to oversee the reconstruction. You want things done? Don’t send Gen. Jay Garner, send “Alias” actress Jennifer Garner. Guys will re-build that place in a week just to try and impress her.

Rock and roll before there were rocks
*The nation’s oldest person passed away: Mary Dorothy Christian. She was 113. She was married in 1907. And guess what? The band that played at her reception was the Rolling Stones.

Screen play
*The Cincinnati Bengals have the first draft pick this weekend. This means that, this weekend, dozens of the nation’s top college football players will be screening their calls: “If it’s the Bengals, I’m not here.”

Not literally
Did you know that the Los Angeles Lakers center Shaquille O’Neal has put on over one hundred pounds since he played in college? Over one hundred pounds. In other words, Shaq is playing with a cheerleader on his shoulders. To which Shawn Kemp asked; “Can I do that?”

Sure thing
The 18-3 New York Yankees starting pitchers are undefeated. The Yankees are starting to look like the surest thing in sports next to NBA players in strip clubs.

A Juicy story
O.J. Simpson might have a reality television show in the works. What’s next? A Scott Peterson show on “The Fishing Channel”?

See that people, let that be a lesson to you, don’t kill your spouse and a stranger unless you’re willing to host a TV show.

What’s next? A reality show featuring Robert Blake taking women out for an Italian dinner? “They’ve just finished dessert, the waiter brought the check and she is really sweating now, folks.”

Since you asked:

A Terrorist Cell . . . Phone

OK, I give up. I can’t take it anymore.

Sure, I admit we live in - and I am a part of - a self-absorbed, and rude, in a frantic “E-mail me because a FAX is too slow” era. But even conceding that, San Diego drivers are officially out-of-hand.

No lie. Yesterday, I was walking across a parking lot to a Carmel Valley, CA super market, hand-in- hand with my four-year-old daughter, when, from around the corner, out of nowhere, came a roaring white mini van. Behind the wheel of the speeding min van was a frantic, 40-ish Soccer Mom who was intently concentrating on her cell phone call. Luckily, we just managed to scamper out of the way right when she slammed on her brakes. Everyone was safe. Barely.

For one split-second afterwards, I caught that woman’s eye. Was she upset or repentant? Hardly. She had the most hideously scary look of angry frustration on her face; she had actually weighed the consequences of running me, and my four-year-old daughter, down like dogs, over being inconvenienced for three seconds.

Lucky for everyone, she ultimately made the right choice and hit the brakes. But it was clear this woman had seriously considered - albeit instantaneously - that mowing-down a man and his child like so much wheat, was a viable consequence for interrupting her phone call for three seconds. This is how terrorists are supposed to think, not nice, little suburban Mommies.

We can’t do anything about all of the crazy, rude and selfish drivers like her, but we can take away their cell phones. Yes, right now, unfortunately, it is legal to drive and talk on the phone. It is also legal to play lead guitar and sing at the same time, but only Eric Clapton and a handful of other can actually do it.

Unless you are checked out to fly the Space Shuttle, you are not talented enough to talk on the phone and operate a vehicle at the same time. Period. Bless her heart, my wife cannot do ANYTHING ELSE when she talks on the phone, let alone guide a two-thousand pound speeding machine. (If I try so much as to interject during one of my wife’s phone conversations, she angrily stomps her foot, waves me off and turns into a frighteningly exact replica of my Mother)

My intention is not to single-out women drivers; we men are just as bad.

When a person, whether a man, woman or that other species known as teenagers, picks up a cell phone while driving, they instantly turn into the equivalent of a drunk driver. (Incidentally, if you talk on a cell phone while driving drunk, you turn into Rodney King.)

Until it is, god willing, illegal to drive and talk on the phone, for the love of all that is right, folks, turn off your cell phones when you drive. The world will, believe it or not, continue to function if you are not on the phone. Trust me, the wheels of progress will not fall off if you are off the communication satellite grid during your commute.

My daughter and I did not deserve to nearly die because Mrs. Judith Crankyhiemer was arguing with her daughter, “Whatever” Jessica, over whether or not Chineese food has too many carbohydrates.

Four words, folks: Hang up and drive.