Saturday, April 19, 2003

Don’t be hatin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Who gives a rat’s . . .
The WNBA players avoided a last second strike. Oh, what a relief. Otherwise, they would have had to cancel the entire rest of the WNBA season that nobody cares about anyway.

The WNBA is a mystery to me. Nobody I know has ever watched a single game, let alone attended one, and yet, the WNBA just keeps going on. Sort of like Madonna’s acting career.

A WNBA game is the sports equivalent of the WB Network, just one more thing to flip over when changing channels to get to something worth watching.

The good news for the WNBA is that they avoided a strike and their season won’t be cancelled. The bad news is that Martha Burk wants them to sign a male player.

Awww, that’s sweet . . .
Baseball Hall of Fame president Dale Petroskey apologized to actors Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins for canceling a ``Bull Durham'' celebration because of their anti-war stance. In this spirit of conciliation, fellow, “Bull Durham” actor Kevin Costner then apologized to everyone for his movie; “Water World.”

Deal with it
The military has issued a deck of cards with faces of the most wanted Iraqi bad guys. They are ranked - with Saddam Hussein as the Ace of Spaces - in terms of how bad they are. This has to make the guys on the jokers upset:

(In my best Apu accent)
“Why am I having being only on a joker? I am much worse than Hasseem over there and he rates a Jack? By Allah, this is not being very fair. I deserve at least a face card. I am bad, bad man.”

Good Boy
The next test for Chicago White Sox security was Dog Day Saturday. Fans got to bring their dogs to the game and there were no incidents of dogs charging the field and attacking anyone. The White Sox are now considering banning people and only allowing dogs.

Actually, there was one incident of a dog running on to the field and charging the ump. The good news is it didn’t want to fight, it only wanted a tummy rub.

You know your team is bad when . . .
One of the promotions going around Major League Baseball parks is Dog Day. Fans get to bring their dogs with them to watch the game. Except in Tampa Bay, where PETA has determined that subjecting a dog to a Devil Ray’s game is considered cruel and unusual punishment.

Friday, April 18, 2003

Props to the peeps all up in this here Hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How rude
*Can you believe this? We liberate Iraq, and now, ungratefully, they want the U.S. out. Who do these people think they are, the French?

I can concentrate as well as any . . . oh, look, a puppy
*Polls in the U.S. indicate that interest in the Iraq war is already down. I swear, sometimes I think the entire country has that Attention Deficit . . . whatever it is.

Sweet relief
*North Korea announced it is making enough plutonium to make atomic bombs. To which Syria replied; “Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.”

Have you seen this North Korean leader Kim Jong-il? Is it just me, or does this guy look like the bastard child of Elvis and Mini Me?

Some nerve
*Now there are reports from Baghdad that officials are taking bribes for favors, giving jobs to their relatives, and taking money under the table for contractors. Who do these guys think they are, the Senate?

Who do these guys think they are, California Governor Grey Davis?

How convenient
*As many as 46 commercial airline pilots could be flying with semiautomatic pistols beginning this Sunday. Have you seen the pistols? They are pretty compact. In fact, they fit right in to the pilot’s pockets and there’s still room for their flasks.

What did we way about fibbing, Syria?
Remember those Saddam Hussein cronies that Syria said they weren’t hiding? Now Syria says they will release some of them. They are like a little kid. “I didn’t take any cookies, but you can have three back.” Maybe it's time to put Syria in a time out?

Ricky likes Ricky
Future Hall of Famer 44-year-old Ricky Henderson wants desperately to get back into baseball. Ricky Henderson has over 3,000 career hits, over 1,400 stolen bases, and a world record 20,000 plus references to himself in the third person.

Thursday, April 17, 2003

You better recognize, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Dare we even say it?
Don’t look now, but the Chicago Cubs are in first place and on a tear after a 7-3 home stand. If this keeps up, this time next year, people flying to Chicago will land at manager Dusty Baker Field.

One of the reasons is great hitting by their new second baseman Mark Grudzielanek. Now, I don’t know a lot about him, but I would guess, based on his name, that Grudzielanek descends from a long line of eye-chart makers.

Today the Chicago Cubs beat the Cincinnati Reds 16 to 3. At one point during the WGN broadcast, the camera showed a guy on the sidewalk cleaning up after his dog. In other words, the dog did the same thing to that sidewalk that the Cubs did to the Reds.

Half is still too much
*U.S. Special Forces captured Barzan Ibrahim Hasan, a half brother of Saddam Hussein. Do you know why they know he is Saddam’s half brother? He’s only half nuts.

They are interrogating this half-brother of Saddam, and they aren’t kidding around. If he doesn’t talk, he has to go driving with Rodney King.

Those Carb sidewalks will kill you
*On a sad note, protein diet guru Dr. Atkins passed away. There will be a funeral followed by a reception where they will serve a lot of bacon, cheese, steaks, eggs and ham.

Oh, that explains it
*A New Haven man is suing McDonald’s because he claims he was not hired because he is overweight. McDonalds says it wasn’t because he was fat, they didn’t hire him because he simply wasn’t lazy enough to work for McDonalds.

Sweet home, Baghdad
*Now there are reports from Baghdad that officials are taking bribes for favors, giving jobs to their relatives, taking money under the table for contractors. If this keeps up we will have no choice but to rename Baghdad: Chicago.

Michael Row Your Retirement Ashore
*Michael Jordan played his last game last night. Or at least it’s his last game until his next last game. He’s had three now.

Without Jordan next season, the Washington Wizards will be so bad they’ll have to change their name to the Clippers.

The 40-year-old Jordan could tell it was time to quit. This year, when he played the Los Angeles Clippers, he actually broke a sweat.

Even I am ashamed of this one
*Daytime television is going to air their first lesbian kiss on “All My Children.” One of the first lesbian kisses on nighttime television was on the show “Party of Five” which many guy’s followed with their own party of five fingers.

And really ashamed of this one
The St. Louis Cardinals may have lost outfielder Albert Pujols (pronounced pooh holes) to an elbow injury. This could keep the Cardinals from producing runs, because, as everyone knows, without Pujols, a team can get backed up.

Since you asked:

Do know what I really like about comedy writing, or comedy writering, as I like to say? It sure ain’t the money. Not so far, anyway. No, what I like is that, with writing, I get the chance to - in all due modesty - utilize my God-given skill for acutely keen verbal expression in a way that’s like, well, you know, whatever.

Slats and Nuggies, have you been to a McDonalds recently? I haven't been in years, but my daugher wanted an ice cream. What happened? They really stink. Mac's used to be great. Well, at least the one in Del Mar, stinks. The people who work there are openly hostile, the food is terrible and they have more cheesy looking toys for sale than a street vendor in Tijuana. Man, talk about throwing away the keys to the kingdom. How did they mess that deal up? Did the government step in?

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

Let me hear ya, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Have you heard the revisions to “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” at the White Sox games?

Take me out to the ballgame/ Let me run onto the field

Find me an ump or a coach to nail/ I don’t care if I wind up in jail

For it’s drink, drink, drink ‘til you’re hammered/ the security will be blamed

For it’s one, two, three slugs and you’re out at the White Sox Game

Down in front
*In Chicago, a fan attacked an umpire at the White Sox Kansas City Royals game. This is the second time fans have attacked at a White Sox, Royals game. The White Sox should probably re-think their promotion when the Royals are in town for Crown
Royal whisky night.

Did you see a picture of the idiot all bloody with a bandage around his head? He looked like he went for a joy ride with Rodney King.

It’s just too bad to see his son couldn’t make it to the game with him.

One more drunken attack and they will have to legally change their name to the Chicago White Trash.

At least this guy had his shirt on, not like that tacky shirtless father and son team last season. It’s nice to see the White Sox are drawing a higher class of drunken attacking fans.

Did you see the sign the White Sox put up at U.S. Cellular Field in Chicago?

“If We Wanted You On the Field, You’d Be Wearing a Uniform”

When did White Sox baseball include audience participation? This isn’t improvisational dinner theater, folks, it’s baseball. Stay in your damn seats. This is very embarrassing for die-hard White Sox fans. They only get in fights after the game.

From soap opera to hand lotion opera
*Daytime television is going to air their first lesbian kiss on “All My Children” which will be getting All My Attention.

Suddenly guys don’t think soap operas are so stupid.

The Count: One, one bad joke, two, two bad jokes . .
*U.S. special forces raided the Baghdad home of a microbiologist nicknamed ``Dr. Germ'' who ran Iraq's secret biological laboratory. Wasn’t Dr. Germ on “Sesame Street”? I’m pretty sure Dr. Germ was the one who treated Oscar the Grouch for hemorrhoids.

The Utah Supreme Court has ruled an atheist has the right to pray at government sponsored public functions. In an equally important issue, they also ruled that vegetarians can enter Hot Dog Eating Contests.

Mellow yellow
*The alert level has been lowered from Orange to Yellow. So what does a yellow alert mean? Look out for people who are yellow, like the French, the Canadians and the Germans?

Yuck and ouch
It’s the day after taxes are due. Today the entire country feels like the new guy the day after his Welcome to Prison party.

Tuesday, April 15, 2003

A lot of venting be goin' on all up in this here Hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ride into the danger zone
Actor Tim Robbins has made it well known that he is vehemently opposed to military action of any kind. And yet the pro-military movie “Top Gun” launched his film career. So, apparently, Robbins only supports military action if it has a really cool sound track.

A taxing time
How many have done their taxes? How many have filed an extension? How many have blamed Geraldo Rivera for announcing all of your phony deductions?

I did not know that
*President Bush is accusing Syria of hiding weapons of mass destruction. Did you know what the name Syria means? It’s Arabic for Round Two.

That serious, Syria?
President Bush is accusing Syria of hiding weapons of mass destruction. This is serious. As we speak, Geraldo Rivera is studying a map of Syria so he can correctly announce troop locations.

King of pain
*Rodney King is in a hospital with a broken hip after crashing his car going over 100 mph. King was so injured the police didn’t even feel the need to beat him up afterwards.

It’s called Chateau Mini Mall
*7-Eleven is coming out with its own wine. This is the only place where the hot dogs are aged longer than the wine.

In fact, the aged-one-month wine goes great with the aged-one-year hotdogs.

That’s a lot for glue
*2002 Kentucky Derby winner War Emblem has reportedly been a dud as a stud for his new owners in Japan, who paid $17 mil for his male-services. In fact, the only thing War Emblem has screwed is his new owners.

How bad a deal was that? The Japanese owners are thinking of re-naming War Emblem Hiroshima.

Speaking of such
*The Detroit Tigers will have to pay a record $14.3 mil to released second baseman Damion Easley, the most ever eaten by a major league team. That’s the most expensive hosing since J. Howard Marshall II married Anna Nicole Smith.

Safety first
*The Canadian prime minister has ordered the Canadian navy not to capture any of Saddam’s henchmen if they try to flee Iraq by sea. It’s a safety issue: these Iraqi-guys wear swords and they could pop the Canadian boats.

Play taps
*On his last Washington home game, Michael Jordan received a U.S. flag from Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. Jordan then used the flag to drape it over the body of the Wizard’s playoff chances.

That’s a lot of brew
*7-11 is also offering their own beer. It’s called; “Skateboard Punks Go Away”

Since you asked:

Fellow Cubs fans, is there anything in the world more disappointing on television than turning to WGN expecting a Cubs game, and seeing a re-run of "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" instead? Guy’s, that's the TV equivalent of the difference between who looks better in a bathing suit “Alias” star Jennifer Garner or “Rockford Files” star James Garner.

OK, that may be too fine a point, but you get the point.

Monday, April 14, 2003

That's not right, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh thank heaven
7-11 is offering their own beer. It’s called “Put That Penthouse Down, This Isn’t a Library.”

Yeah bahhhbeee
The troops in Baghdad found Saddam Hussein’s love shack, a playboys fantasy straight from the 1960s: mirrored bedroom, lamps shaped like women, airbrushed paintings of a topless blonde woman all the way to the Fred Flintstone Pez dispensers loaded with Viagra.

Take it Pass Flail
A professor at the University of Kansas is showing X-rated videos in class. This will be the first class in history where all the guys stay in their seats after the bell:

“Ahem, I’ll just sit here a while working on my notes, professor.”

I’d hate to be the first guy invited up to write on the chalkboard after the movie.

How embarrassing if you flunk that class: “The plots were too darn complicated.”

These vests are the bomb
CBS' Dan Rather found fifty suicide bombing vests in an Iraqi school last week. Here’s my question: What clothing company would manufacture suicide bombing vests? Not a lot of repeat customers.

What’s the return policy on a suicide bombing vest?

Wouldn’t exploding vests be a bachelor’s dream? Clothes you could blow up once they got dirty.

Guess where they bought the suicide bombing vests? Target.

Have at ‘em
Did you see the Masters tournament on CBS? No commercials. I have four words to say: Thank you Martha Burk. Now is there any way we can get Martha to protest the NBA and Major League Baseball? Hey, Martha, the NBA and pro baseball don’t have any women. Go get ‘em babe.

Ewww, that’s bad
The leader of the Masters after three rounds, Jeff Maggert, in the final round, had a bunker shot hit the lip of bunker and hit his chest causing a disastrous two-stroke penalty. That’s the golf equivalent of surviving the War in Iraq only to be crushed by a falling Saddam Hussein statue

Operation Hock and Pawn
Looting continued in Baghdad. The continued looting surprised government experts, not only that there would be looters, but that they would ever find anything in Iraq worth stealing.

What could it be?
*On Saturday, the North Korea reversed their position and said it would be willing to accept multilateral disarmament talks with the U.S. Gosh, I wonder what could have possibly changed their minds?

You know what turned North Korea around? Not only our success in Iraq; we threatened to send over Geraldo Rivera.