Monday, April 14, 2003

That's not right, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh thank heaven
7-11 is offering their own beer. It’s called “Put That Penthouse Down, This Isn’t a Library.”

Yeah bahhhbeee
The troops in Baghdad found Saddam Hussein’s love shack, a playboys fantasy straight from the 1960s: mirrored bedroom, lamps shaped like women, airbrushed paintings of a topless blonde woman all the way to the Fred Flintstone Pez dispensers loaded with Viagra.

Take it Pass Flail
A professor at the University of Kansas is showing X-rated videos in class. This will be the first class in history where all the guys stay in their seats after the bell:

“Ahem, I’ll just sit here a while working on my notes, professor.”

I’d hate to be the first guy invited up to write on the chalkboard after the movie.

How embarrassing if you flunk that class: “The plots were too darn complicated.”

These vests are the bomb
CBS' Dan Rather found fifty suicide bombing vests in an Iraqi school last week. Here’s my question: What clothing company would manufacture suicide bombing vests? Not a lot of repeat customers.

What’s the return policy on a suicide bombing vest?

Wouldn’t exploding vests be a bachelor’s dream? Clothes you could blow up once they got dirty.

Guess where they bought the suicide bombing vests? Target.

Have at ‘em
Did you see the Masters tournament on CBS? No commercials. I have four words to say: Thank you Martha Burk. Now is there any way we can get Martha to protest the NBA and Major League Baseball? Hey, Martha, the NBA and pro baseball don’t have any women. Go get ‘em babe.

Ewww, that’s bad
The leader of the Masters after three rounds, Jeff Maggert, in the final round, had a bunker shot hit the lip of bunker and hit his chest causing a disastrous two-stroke penalty. That’s the golf equivalent of surviving the War in Iraq only to be crushed by a falling Saddam Hussein statue

Operation Hock and Pawn
Looting continued in Baghdad. The continued looting surprised government experts, not only that there would be looters, but that they would ever find anything in Iraq worth stealing.

What could it be?
*On Saturday, the North Korea reversed their position and said it would be willing to accept multilateral disarmament talks with the U.S. Gosh, I wonder what could have possibly changed their minds?

You know what turned North Korea around? Not only our success in Iraq; we threatened to send over Geraldo Rivera.