Thursday, April 17, 2003

You better recognize, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Dare we even say it?
Don’t look now, but the Chicago Cubs are in first place and on a tear after a 7-3 home stand. If this keeps up, this time next year, people flying to Chicago will land at manager Dusty Baker Field.

One of the reasons is great hitting by their new second baseman Mark Grudzielanek. Now, I don’t know a lot about him, but I would guess, based on his name, that Grudzielanek descends from a long line of eye-chart makers.

Today the Chicago Cubs beat the Cincinnati Reds 16 to 3. At one point during the WGN broadcast, the camera showed a guy on the sidewalk cleaning up after his dog. In other words, the dog did the same thing to that sidewalk that the Cubs did to the Reds.

Half is still too much
*U.S. Special Forces captured Barzan Ibrahim Hasan, a half brother of Saddam Hussein. Do you know why they know he is Saddam’s half brother? He’s only half nuts.

They are interrogating this half-brother of Saddam, and they aren’t kidding around. If he doesn’t talk, he has to go driving with Rodney King.

Those Carb sidewalks will kill you
*On a sad note, protein diet guru Dr. Atkins passed away. There will be a funeral followed by a reception where they will serve a lot of bacon, cheese, steaks, eggs and ham.

Oh, that explains it
*A New Haven man is suing McDonald’s because he claims he was not hired because he is overweight. McDonalds says it wasn’t because he was fat, they didn’t hire him because he simply wasn’t lazy enough to work for McDonalds.

Sweet home, Baghdad
*Now there are reports from Baghdad that officials are taking bribes for favors, giving jobs to their relatives, taking money under the table for contractors. If this keeps up we will have no choice but to rename Baghdad: Chicago.

Michael Row Your Retirement Ashore
*Michael Jordan played his last game last night. Or at least it’s his last game until his next last game. He’s had three now.

Without Jordan next season, the Washington Wizards will be so bad they’ll have to change their name to the Clippers.

The 40-year-old Jordan could tell it was time to quit. This year, when he played the Los Angeles Clippers, he actually broke a sweat.

Even I am ashamed of this one
*Daytime television is going to air their first lesbian kiss on “All My Children.” One of the first lesbian kisses on nighttime television was on the show “Party of Five” which many guy’s followed with their own party of five fingers.

And really ashamed of this one
The St. Louis Cardinals may have lost outfielder Albert Pujols (pronounced pooh holes) to an elbow injury. This could keep the Cardinals from producing runs, because, as everyone knows, without Pujols, a team can get backed up.

Since you asked:

Do know what I really like about comedy writing, or comedy writering, as I like to say? It sure ain’t the money. Not so far, anyway. No, what I like is that, with writing, I get the chance to - in all due modesty - utilize my God-given skill for acutely keen verbal expression in a way that’s like, well, you know, whatever.

Slats and Nuggies, have you been to a McDonalds recently? I haven't been in years, but my daugher wanted an ice cream. What happened? They really stink. Mac's used to be great. Well, at least the one in Del Mar, stinks. The people who work there are openly hostile, the food is terrible and they have more cheesy looking toys for sale than a street vendor in Tijuana. Man, talk about throwing away the keys to the kingdom. How did they mess that deal up? Did the government step in?