Saturday, April 12, 2003

What’s the dealio, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Deal with it
The U.S. Military issued a deck of cards with pictures of the most wanted figures in Iraq they want to hunt down. Saddam is on the Ace of Spades. And guess who is on the joker? Geraldo Rivera.

You know what would be bad? If by some horrible clerical error, your face ended up in that deck of cards. “Oh crap, I’m the Jack of Diamonds.”

What’s next? Terrorists, the board game?

Did anyone else find the pictures of Baghdad depressing? For some reason, I thought it would be exotic and cool. Nope. Baghdad looks like Tijuana without the bars and tattoo parlors.

Everyone in the US is all excited that the Iraqi’s are so delirious with freedom they tore down the Saddam Hussein statues. That’s not why they tore them down. You know why they tore down those Saddam Hussein statues? Because they were so freakin’ ugly.

Saddam was not a good-looking guy. He looked like Yogi Bear’s bitter brother.

Awww, Crikey, mate
Reports from Australia say that Russell Crowe was teary-eyed at his wedding. I’d be teary-eyed also of I had to give up all those women.

People are amazed that wild man Russell Crowe is getting married. How did his bride, Dannielle Spencer get him to commit? Two words: Photographic evidence. My guess is that he should not have mixed beer and sheep.

Friday, April 11, 2003

When did shizzle become a dirty word, Torn Slaterns and Nugget Ranchers?

And he should be dealth with
The U.S. Military has released a deck of cards with the most wanted figures in Iraq. And guess which one is on the joker? Geraldo Rivera.

How many were there?
*Could you believe all off the Saddam Hussein statues? It took longer to tear down the Saddam statues than it took to secure Baghdad.

There once were so many Saddam Hussein statues, Iraq had to import more pigeons.

He wants peace now or he’ll shoot
*Sean Penn car was stolen in San Francisco and it had two guns in it. The guns were very valuable. Penn got a good deal on the guns when he was in Iraq. They were from the Iraqi army: never been fired and only dropped once.

They are very special guns, they can only be used to kill somebody in a peaceful way.

Welcome to his week’s episode of “Celebrities For Peace Packin’ a Piece.”

Genie spilling out of a bottle
*Gossip hounds are saying that Christine Aguilera showed up at the Jeremy Scott fashion show in Hollywood more than a tad over-weight. Great, just when I didn’t think I could take any more of Christine Aguilera, there is more of Christine Aguilera to take.

The Axis of Weasels
*The leaders of Russia, France and Germany gathered for a summit on what their part in the rebuilding of Iraq. While they’re at it, they should have a meeting about how to unthaw hell because when it freezes over is when Bush will let them have a say about Iraq.

Come to think of it, France should participate in rebuilding Iraq. When it comes to having experience with what to do after losing a war, nobody can top the French.

Master blaster
*Tiger Woods is off to a shaky start at the Masters. He bogeyed 1, 4 and 5. The first hole was the ugliest. He hit into Miguel Angel Jimenez’s hair and it took three strokes to get out.

At the Masters, Miguel Angel Jimenez from Spain has not cut his unruly fizzy red hair for a year. Let’s just hope Jimenez doesn’t win. The sight of that hair with that ugly green Masters jacket would put clowns off their pies.

At the Masters, Miguel Angel Jimenez from Spain has not cut his unruly fizzy red hair for a year. In fact, his hair is the ugliest thing in golf besides the Masters green jacket.

Forget about women members at Augusta, Martha Burk should protest Miguel Angel Jimenez’s hair.

Apparently Jimenez is being sponsored by Bozo.

That hair is the ugliest thing at the Masters besides Martha Burk.

How much rain?
*The Masters is underway after torrential rains. In fact, the Augusta National golf course needs more water like the news needs more clips of falling Saddam statues.

Since you asked:
Now I am really pissed. There I was, running down to catch the Cubs score, when my remote accidentally turned itself to VH1. For those who haven’t seen it, VH1 is the cable TV equivalent of a combination of crack and a car accident. You don’t want to, but you can’t help but look. And once you do, forget it, you are hooked.

So there I am with things to do, people to see, material to write and steaks to grill, and I am transformed into this couch tumor transfixed to “Behind the Music.” What's worse, it was about Bon Jovi. The thing is, I don’t really like Bon Jovi that much.

But this is how VH1 hooks you: you are never sure whether you are watching the show, a preview of a show, or a summation of a show that’s now over. They all sort of melt together in the space time continuum that blends the future, past and present around endless commercials. Really annoying commercials at that.

You know what happens: Band struggles. Band hits it big. Band gets waisted all the time. Band breaks up. Band rehabs. Band reunites and goes back on tour, 'cause a mean manager stole their money.

It’s like listening to someone who takes too long to tell a joke that you already know, but you act like you didn’t know just to be nice.

“So this sixth guy walks into the bar. Or was he the seventh? . . .” and the inside of your brain is screaming; “Just get to the blonde with the gorilla already.”

Suddenly, I snap out of my stupor, flip over to WGN, and the Cubs had lost. Game over. I caused my Cubs to lose because I had to find out how much mousse Jon Bon Jovi used to put in his frickin' hair. Someone’s ass is going to be in my briefcase, Slats and Nuggies.

Wednesday, April 09, 2003

This party's bangin', Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Cela est un soulagement
Now that the war is winding down we can all go back to making jokes about the French just for fun.

That fast huh?
It has been a couple days, but I am still amazed at how well Syracuse played to win the NCAA tournament. Could you believe how fast Syracuse got back on defense? They back-peddled faster than Madonna explaining why she pulled her Anti-Bush music video.

Either way he is gone
There has been virtually no sign of Saddam Hussein in the last week. So the Pentagon has to conclude that he is either dead, hiding, or he is co-starring in a movie with Madonna.

Sorry Syracuse
This just in: the Iraqi Information Minister has announced that the University of Baghdad won the NCAA basketball tournament.

Honest mistake
There was an embarrassing mishap yesterday. Somebody knocked over Al Gore. He’s OK. They just mistook him for a Saddam Hussein statue.

What about Bar Mitzvah’s?
It’s not looking good for Saddam Hussein. Today five Saddam doubles advertised that they are now available for parties and special engagements.

Go figure?
It’s becoming more and more apparent that the attack against Iraq has gone extremely well. How is that possible? All of the great military minds in the country, from Barbra Striesand to Dustin Hoffman and Madonna, said it was destined to fail.

Or else
In an article on ESPN Page 2, online, a writer for ABC’s “The Jimmy Kimmell Show”, Bill Simmons, proclaimed that Mike Tyson was funny, endearing and the best co-host they’ve ever had on the show. There, Mike, he wrote it just like you demanded, now let the poor guy go.

How hot was it?
It was hot today, I was sweating like Geraldo Rivera waiting outside of Donald Rumsfeld’s office.

Hold that Tiger
Tiger Woods will try for a record third straight Masters win this week. However, the Iraqi Information Minister has announced that Saddam Hussein will win the Masters.

Since you asked:
Why make so many jokes about Madonna? Three words: Faux English Accent. Isn't that enough?

However, you have got to give Madonna a ton of credit.

A: Nobody has made more money with less talent, well, besides Anna Nicole Smith, than Madonna.

B: Dammit, even with the creepy eyebrows and the gap in her teeth, Madonna still looks pretty damn good.

C: Madonna doesn't hide the fact that she is a world class vimy. (check the letters to the left of vimy on your keyboard) Barbra Streisand, Martha Stewart and Kathy Lee Gifford try to hide that they are uber bitches with a facade of sweetness and light. Not our girl Madonna. Of course, that could be because Madonna isn't a good enough actress to fake anything.

Remember the movie "League of Their Own"? They filmed it in a nice, little friendly classically Midwestern Indiana town that Madonna trashed in the press as a hick town. The local radio station then got the entire town to turn out to form the letters We Hate Madonna.

Even though she had a minor part, halfway through the filming of "League of Their Own" Madonna threw a hissy fit (According to insiders, it was the only thing the awful-baseball-playing Madonna could throw, meooow)

Madonna would walk off the movie if they didn't write-in a more dramatic scene. Do you remember the scene in the dugout? That was it. Madonna's trampy (good casting) character, "All the Way" Mae, launches into this painful-to-watch tirade about how; "I ain't goin' back to guys sweatin' gin on me, ya hears?"

It was so bad, you can see the other actors in the scene looking at their watches or down at their shuffling feet. You can practically smell the smoking tires of the movie coming to a screaching stop.

My point? Madonna is a bad actress.

If Madonna married ex-successful producer Guy Ritchie to help her film career, how did that work out? More people have seen Osama
bin Laden in person than saw their movie "Swept Away"

Of course, this all goes without saying that if Madonna's people called me to write something for her, I would pull a muscle jumping at the chance. You hear that, Madonna? You can bitch at me all you want as long as that big 'ol check clears. That's right, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, I would be Madonna's boy toy in a split second. Me? I gots no shame. No shame.

OK, that was fun, now I am due back on planet reality.

Tuesday, April 08, 2003

Let's get ten kinds of nasty, yo, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How cold is it?
It is so cold back in the Midwest and the East, those folks are shaking like Geraldo Rivera at a USO party.

I mean it is cold. In New York the taxi drivers had to break out their Wooly Turbans.

Esssssscuuuuuuse meeeeeee?
Mexican President Vicente Fox said the United States had no business invading Iraq and called for the U.S. to withdraw and go home. Mexico reprimanding us for invading another country is like the French telling us we are rude and smelly.

Hey Foxie buddy, how about if Mexico withdraws from the US and goes home?

Check it, I got me some mad hops, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It just gets worse
*Bad news for Saddam Hussein. He had Kansas in the NCAA bunker pool.

It’s just a flesh wound
*Is it just me, or does Iraq sound like the black knight in “Monty Python’s The Holy Grail”? All of his limbs are chopped off and he yells; “ Come back, I’ll bite your legs off.”

Not a Camel Bell?
*U.S. warplane dropped four bunker-busting bombs and blasted a smoking crater 60 feet deep at a restaurant where Saddam Hussein was believed to be meeting with his sons. I think the restaurant was a Jihad In The Box.

Or maybe it was an the Allah’s Garden. On second thought it was the International House of Falafel.

It smells like . . . desperation
*Researchers at the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago have discovered a new perfume that can actually make men think women are 12 pounds lighter than they are. It’s called Ode to Beer Goggles.

Ye Olde Joke
*Syracuse beat Kansas for the NCAA title. There is some controversy on how you pronounce the Capital of New York: some say Sare-uh-cuse, some say Sear-ah-kuse, but the correct pronunciation of the capital of New York is Albany.

That time of year again
Darryl Strawberry walked out of a Florida prison after serving 11 months of an 18-month sentence for violating probation on cocaine possession charges. Or as Darryl calls prison, spring training.

Since You Asked:
Flipping through the channels looking for a Chicago Cubs score, I accidentally caught Susan Sarandon on "The View." She talks more than all of those women combined. She reiterated that she is tired of being labeled unpatriotic because she is against Bush and our troops. (Of course she said she is against the war but she is in support of the troops. That is like saying you are against Cubs but you support their players) Susan Sarandon is tired of being labeled unpatriotic? How about us? We have to listen to her.

Anyway, it was cold in Chicago for the Cubs opener. 30 degrees, damp and windy. Some of the players from around the Dominican looked like the Jamaican bobsled team in “Cool Runnings” after they arrived in Calgary and put on all of the clothes that they brought.

Cubs were winning 5 to 1 last I checked, and they look gooooooooooooooood. Dare I say it? No, I dare not.

Monday, April 07, 2003

Yo, check out the bling bling. Props, dog and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh, I get it
Here in California, a teenager came out of a more then year-long coma. Asked to describe it she said it was kind of like watching the Oscars.

Nice try, pal
Vincent ``The Chin'' Gigante, the powerful mafia boss who authorities said feigned insanity for decades in an attempt to avoid prosecution, ended the ruse by admitting he misled doctors evaluating him. And today, Geraldo “The Ass” Rivera said the same thing.

This explains so much
Now that President Bush was successful, protesting celebrities are starting to back peddle to revive their careers. Did you hear the new Dixie Chicks single? It’s titled; “It Was All Our Ex-Publicist’s Idea.”

Iraq attack
I don’t want to say it’s looking bleak for Saddam Hussein, but today in his bunker, he married Eva Braun.

It looks like things are under control in Baghdad. Today alone we opened five new Starbucks.

The Iraqi army is in trouble. Today they had to appoint two new military leaders: General Peter Arnett and Colonel Geraldo Rivera.

It finally looks like our big operation was successful, Operation Dis-embed Geraldo.

Mamm, do you take this here youngster
A 42-year-old woman in Mobile, Alabama, has married a 14-year-old honor student after getting permission from his parents. That is weird even for Alabama. Nobody is related to anybody.

How could he be an honor student? He obviously can’t do the math that when he is 34 she’ll be 62.

He really is an honor student. On their honeymoon he figured out how many times 14 goes into 42.

If he does something wrong on the honeymoon, does she put him in a time out?

Here’s the big question in Alabama. If they get divorced, is she still his Aunt?

You stink purty
Researchers at the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago have discovered a new perfume that can actually make men think women are 12 pounds lighter than they are. It’s called Ode to Budweiser.

It’s called Ode to Last Call.

Ahh, Crikie, he's such a nice bloke
Russell Crowe got married in Australia on his ranch. It was a touching ceremony, the minister proclaimed them man and wife, and then Russell chugged a beer, punched the best man and then groped the maid of honor. There wasn’t a dry eye in the place.

I always get these two confused
The NCAA championship is being played at the big easy. No, it has nothing to do with Anna Nicole Smith, this big easy is New Orleans.

A tough one
President Bush is meeting with Prime Minister Tony Blair to discuss what to do with post war Iraq. The first problem is who do we stick it to first, the French or Michael Moore?

The Padres’ Phil Nevin, the Yankees Derek Jeter, and now the Reds Ken Griffey Jr. are all out with separated shoulders. In fact, there have been almost as many separated shoulders in baseball as there were at the first and last Teamsters vs. Hairdressers arm wrestling tournament.