Wednesday, April 09, 2003

This party's bangin', Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Cela est un soulagement
Now that the war is winding down we can all go back to making jokes about the French just for fun.

That fast huh?
It has been a couple days, but I am still amazed at how well Syracuse played to win the NCAA tournament. Could you believe how fast Syracuse got back on defense? They back-peddled faster than Madonna explaining why she pulled her Anti-Bush music video.

Either way he is gone
There has been virtually no sign of Saddam Hussein in the last week. So the Pentagon has to conclude that he is either dead, hiding, or he is co-starring in a movie with Madonna.

Sorry Syracuse
This just in: the Iraqi Information Minister has announced that the University of Baghdad won the NCAA basketball tournament.

Honest mistake
There was an embarrassing mishap yesterday. Somebody knocked over Al Gore. He’s OK. They just mistook him for a Saddam Hussein statue.

What about Bar Mitzvah’s?
It’s not looking good for Saddam Hussein. Today five Saddam doubles advertised that they are now available for parties and special engagements.

Go figure?
It’s becoming more and more apparent that the attack against Iraq has gone extremely well. How is that possible? All of the great military minds in the country, from Barbra Striesand to Dustin Hoffman and Madonna, said it was destined to fail.

Or else
In an article on ESPN Page 2, online, a writer for ABC’s “The Jimmy Kimmell Show”, Bill Simmons, proclaimed that Mike Tyson was funny, endearing and the best co-host they’ve ever had on the show. There, Mike, he wrote it just like you demanded, now let the poor guy go.

How hot was it?
It was hot today, I was sweating like Geraldo Rivera waiting outside of Donald Rumsfeld’s office.

Hold that Tiger
Tiger Woods will try for a record third straight Masters win this week. However, the Iraqi Information Minister has announced that Saddam Hussein will win the Masters.

Since you asked:
Why make so many jokes about Madonna? Three words: Faux English Accent. Isn't that enough?

However, you have got to give Madonna a ton of credit.

A: Nobody has made more money with less talent, well, besides Anna Nicole Smith, than Madonna.

B: Dammit, even with the creepy eyebrows and the gap in her teeth, Madonna still looks pretty damn good.

C: Madonna doesn't hide the fact that she is a world class vimy. (check the letters to the left of vimy on your keyboard) Barbra Streisand, Martha Stewart and Kathy Lee Gifford try to hide that they are uber bitches with a facade of sweetness and light. Not our girl Madonna. Of course, that could be because Madonna isn't a good enough actress to fake anything.

Remember the movie "League of Their Own"? They filmed it in a nice, little friendly classically Midwestern Indiana town that Madonna trashed in the press as a hick town. The local radio station then got the entire town to turn out to form the letters We Hate Madonna.

Even though she had a minor part, halfway through the filming of "League of Their Own" Madonna threw a hissy fit (According to insiders, it was the only thing the awful-baseball-playing Madonna could throw, meooow)

Madonna would walk off the movie if they didn't write-in a more dramatic scene. Do you remember the scene in the dugout? That was it. Madonna's trampy (good casting) character, "All the Way" Mae, launches into this painful-to-watch tirade about how; "I ain't goin' back to guys sweatin' gin on me, ya hears?"

It was so bad, you can see the other actors in the scene looking at their watches or down at their shuffling feet. You can practically smell the smoking tires of the movie coming to a screaching stop.

My point? Madonna is a bad actress.

If Madonna married ex-successful producer Guy Ritchie to help her film career, how did that work out? More people have seen Osama
bin Laden in person than saw their movie "Swept Away"

Of course, this all goes without saying that if Madonna's people called me to write something for her, I would pull a muscle jumping at the chance. You hear that, Madonna? You can bitch at me all you want as long as that big 'ol check clears. That's right, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, I would be Madonna's boy toy in a split second. Me? I gots no shame. No shame.

OK, that was fun, now I am due back on planet reality.