Monday, April 07, 2003

Yo, check out the bling bling. Props, dog and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh, I get it
Here in California, a teenager came out of a more then year-long coma. Asked to describe it she said it was kind of like watching the Oscars.

Nice try, pal
Vincent ``The Chin'' Gigante, the powerful mafia boss who authorities said feigned insanity for decades in an attempt to avoid prosecution, ended the ruse by admitting he misled doctors evaluating him. And today, Geraldo “The Ass” Rivera said the same thing.

This explains so much
Now that President Bush was successful, protesting celebrities are starting to back peddle to revive their careers. Did you hear the new Dixie Chicks single? It’s titled; “It Was All Our Ex-Publicist’s Idea.”

Iraq attack
I don’t want to say it’s looking bleak for Saddam Hussein, but today in his bunker, he married Eva Braun.

It looks like things are under control in Baghdad. Today alone we opened five new Starbucks.

The Iraqi army is in trouble. Today they had to appoint two new military leaders: General Peter Arnett and Colonel Geraldo Rivera.

It finally looks like our big operation was successful, Operation Dis-embed Geraldo.

Mamm, do you take this here youngster
A 42-year-old woman in Mobile, Alabama, has married a 14-year-old honor student after getting permission from his parents. That is weird even for Alabama. Nobody is related to anybody.

How could he be an honor student? He obviously can’t do the math that when he is 34 she’ll be 62.

He really is an honor student. On their honeymoon he figured out how many times 14 goes into 42.

If he does something wrong on the honeymoon, does she put him in a time out?

Here’s the big question in Alabama. If they get divorced, is she still his Aunt?

You stink purty
Researchers at the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago have discovered a new perfume that can actually make men think women are 12 pounds lighter than they are. It’s called Ode to Budweiser.

It’s called Ode to Last Call.

Ahh, Crikie, he's such a nice bloke
Russell Crowe got married in Australia on his ranch. It was a touching ceremony, the minister proclaimed them man and wife, and then Russell chugged a beer, punched the best man and then groped the maid of honor. There wasn’t a dry eye in the place.

I always get these two confused
The NCAA championship is being played at the big easy. No, it has nothing to do with Anna Nicole Smith, this big easy is New Orleans.

A tough one
President Bush is meeting with Prime Minister Tony Blair to discuss what to do with post war Iraq. The first problem is who do we stick it to first, the French or Michael Moore?

The Padres’ Phil Nevin, the Yankees Derek Jeter, and now the Reds Ken Griffey Jr. are all out with separated shoulders. In fact, there have been almost as many separated shoulders in baseball as there were at the first and last Teamsters vs. Hairdressers arm wrestling tournament.