Friday, April 11, 2003

When did shizzle become a dirty word, Torn Slaterns and Nugget Ranchers?

And he should be dealth with
The U.S. Military has released a deck of cards with the most wanted figures in Iraq. And guess which one is on the joker? Geraldo Rivera.

How many were there?
*Could you believe all off the Saddam Hussein statues? It took longer to tear down the Saddam statues than it took to secure Baghdad.

There once were so many Saddam Hussein statues, Iraq had to import more pigeons.

He wants peace now or he’ll shoot
*Sean Penn car was stolen in San Francisco and it had two guns in it. The guns were very valuable. Penn got a good deal on the guns when he was in Iraq. They were from the Iraqi army: never been fired and only dropped once.

They are very special guns, they can only be used to kill somebody in a peaceful way.

Welcome to his week’s episode of “Celebrities For Peace Packin’ a Piece.”

Genie spilling out of a bottle
*Gossip hounds are saying that Christine Aguilera showed up at the Jeremy Scott fashion show in Hollywood more than a tad over-weight. Great, just when I didn’t think I could take any more of Christine Aguilera, there is more of Christine Aguilera to take.

The Axis of Weasels
*The leaders of Russia, France and Germany gathered for a summit on what their part in the rebuilding of Iraq. While they’re at it, they should have a meeting about how to unthaw hell because when it freezes over is when Bush will let them have a say about Iraq.

Come to think of it, France should participate in rebuilding Iraq. When it comes to having experience with what to do after losing a war, nobody can top the French.

Master blaster
*Tiger Woods is off to a shaky start at the Masters. He bogeyed 1, 4 and 5. The first hole was the ugliest. He hit into Miguel Angel Jimenez’s hair and it took three strokes to get out.

At the Masters, Miguel Angel Jimenez from Spain has not cut his unruly fizzy red hair for a year. Let’s just hope Jimenez doesn’t win. The sight of that hair with that ugly green Masters jacket would put clowns off their pies.

At the Masters, Miguel Angel Jimenez from Spain has not cut his unruly fizzy red hair for a year. In fact, his hair is the ugliest thing in golf besides the Masters green jacket.

Forget about women members at Augusta, Martha Burk should protest Miguel Angel Jimenez’s hair.

Apparently Jimenez is being sponsored by Bozo.

That hair is the ugliest thing at the Masters besides Martha Burk.

How much rain?
*The Masters is underway after torrential rains. In fact, the Augusta National golf course needs more water like the news needs more clips of falling Saddam statues.

Since you asked:
Now I am really pissed. There I was, running down to catch the Cubs score, when my remote accidentally turned itself to VH1. For those who haven’t seen it, VH1 is the cable TV equivalent of a combination of crack and a car accident. You don’t want to, but you can’t help but look. And once you do, forget it, you are hooked.

So there I am with things to do, people to see, material to write and steaks to grill, and I am transformed into this couch tumor transfixed to “Behind the Music.” What's worse, it was about Bon Jovi. The thing is, I don’t really like Bon Jovi that much.

But this is how VH1 hooks you: you are never sure whether you are watching the show, a preview of a show, or a summation of a show that’s now over. They all sort of melt together in the space time continuum that blends the future, past and present around endless commercials. Really annoying commercials at that.

You know what happens: Band struggles. Band hits it big. Band gets waisted all the time. Band breaks up. Band rehabs. Band reunites and goes back on tour, 'cause a mean manager stole their money.

It’s like listening to someone who takes too long to tell a joke that you already know, but you act like you didn’t know just to be nice.

“So this sixth guy walks into the bar. Or was he the seventh? . . .” and the inside of your brain is screaming; “Just get to the blonde with the gorilla already.”

Suddenly, I snap out of my stupor, flip over to WGN, and the Cubs had lost. Game over. I caused my Cubs to lose because I had to find out how much mousse Jon Bon Jovi used to put in his frickin' hair. Someone’s ass is going to be in my briefcase, Slats and Nuggies.