The Secret Service claims it’s gone broke protecting the Trumps. Eric and Donald Jr.’s codenames cost a fortune. They have to pay royalties for Beavis and Butthead.

****

Tiger Woods is threatening to sue Celeb Jihad over nude pics of Tiger they posted. Not to go into details, but Tiger is upset because the pictures show he could have used more club.

****

Chris Christie said he is no longer interested in being a sports talk radio host. As to what career Christie will pursue, he said he’ll close that bridge when he comes to it.

We can also rule out kale salesman and yoga instructor. 

****

Financial experts have said there are four things that can’t go broke, casinos, booze, football and the Secret Service. “Hold my beer,” said Donald Trump.

****

There are rumors President Trump is getting ready to resign. But you have to be careful with rumors, there are rumors I’m dating Margot Robbie, but I know they’re not true because I started them.

****

All my life they’ve threatened fun things to do will make you go blind. Don’t look at the eclipse, you’ll go blind. Don’t masturbate, you’ll go blind. Don’t shoot heroin into your eyeballs, you’ll go blind. 

****

The Ice Dragon on “Game of Thrones,” the solar eclipse, this is the most exciting time for nerds since asthma inhalers came in cherry flavor.