Sunday, August 20, 2017

TS and NR’s, I have some exciting news: I have been named by President Trump to be Sec. of Comedy to add levity to an otherwise tense and, oh, wait, no, I’ve been fired.

Many NFL stadiums will offer food and drink delivery right to the fan’s seat. Which is too bad, because walking to get their food was the only exercise most New York Jets* fans got.

On the night of his DUI, Tiger Woods had five drugs in his system. Once an over-achiever, always an over-achiever.

Researchers say women can have super orgasms. Super orgasms are achieved through stretching, meditation, a washing machine and a copy of “50 Shades of Grey.”

President Trump referred to Neo-Nazis as history buffs. And Skinheads are shaved-scalp enthusiasts. White Supremacists are Opaque Promoters. 

A study claims 87% have groomed some or all of their pubic hair. And no, this study did not come from the Bush Library. 

Former Charger 2nd draft pick bust, Ryan Leaf, has joined SiriusFM radio’s college football channel. Leaf’s first show did not go well. When Leaf passed the mic to the host, the pass was intercepted and returned for a touchdown. 

Donald Trump left New York to return to his vacation in Bedminster, NJ. Although, since Charlottesville, I think it is now called Poop-the-Bedminster. 

Donald Trump left New York to return to his vacation in Bedminster, NJ. More bad news for Trump. Chris Christie closed the bridge to get there.

Donald Trump tweeted our country needs to heal, but he misspelled heal with two E’s.  Twice.  You can understand why Trump would use heel because he has his foot in his mouth so much.

Some people are upset USC's mascot horse, Traveler, is named after Robert E. Lee's horse. And they don't like the monuments he leaves on the field.

(Not a USC fan, but clearly we have run out of more important things of which to be offended)

Since you asked:

People think being rich means solving all their problems by luxuriating in a gold bathtub of Russian beluga caviar while sipping French Crystal champagne on a private Lear Jet. 

And then, if they strike it rich, suddenly they are squirming in a cold pile of smelly fish eggs and sipping something in a whimpy glass that is not nearly as good as an Old Style beer. 

The private jet part is super cool AF though. 

A friend of mine was so bitterly furious while telling me about how badly he has been treated as a white, small-business owner under Obama, I was worried he would burst a capillary. (Trust me, he is far from a racist. I would not have a friend who is a racist) 

This conversation happened in his company’s luxury box at Petco Park after he got back from a yacht cruise in the Caribbean.

Believe me, I am no class warrior. This guy worked in his father’s auto-repair shop instead of going to college, he has worked hard all of his life and sacrificed a lot for his amazingly wonderful family. 

But I do think it may be a good time for people, on both sides, to stop and ask themselves why they’re so damned angry. 

*That New York Jets joke about Jets fans being fat and lazy sounds mean. And it is. But I came by it naturally. 

In 1984, working on Wall Street, I went to Giants game in 1984 with a client, the year when my beloved Bears won the 1985 Super Bowl. The Giants experience, including tailgating at Giants Stadium with food from the DeLaurenti Deli, was so fun, friendly and festive, I jumped on the chance to get tickets for two weeks later when the Bears were in town to face the Jets. 

And no, I was not wearing Bears gear. Once I made that mistake wearing a Cubs hat to a Mets game. After the third time a coward threw a beer at me and ran away, I finally had to take the Cubs hat off, to the cheers of the crowd. (Not exactly the same vibe as Wrigley Field. Mets fans are cut out of the same polyester cloth "Kiss" t-shirt as Jets fans) 

The Jets fans were so loud, so obnoxious, so foul-mouthed and so drunk, I could not wait to get out of there. 

Here is a good general rule: Avoid stadiums with teams where they hire a full-time judge to pass judgment on miscreants and they have a jail cell to put them in.  (Eagles and Jets) 

RIP Jerry Lewis. Jerry Lewis was considered a comedy genius in France. And, yet, despite this, Americans still adored him.

Started out a huge fan of “The Knick.” Then it got depressing. Then it got way too depressing. But now it is good again. And they cast comedians, like Tom Papa and Jim Norton. And the dialog has some genuine, high-quality humor. Like when Typhoid Mary is sworn-in during her trial and the hefty, jamoke health detective blurts out, 

“You might want to throw away that bible, Judge.” 

In fact, “The Knick” character, Tom Cleary - played by Chris Sullivan of “This Is Us” fame -  is one of the funniest I have ever seen on any show. Big, loud, crude, foul-mouthed and yes, somehow extremely kind-hearted, funny and lovable. 

There are so few of us.