The New England Patriots gave Donald Trump a Super Bowl ring. Now Vladimir Putin will have two Patriot Super Bowl rings.

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USC unveiled a statue with a Shakespeare quote, but they misspelled Shakespeare. Adding credence to the rumor the only spelling USC cares about is on the tuition checks. 

Asked to comment, USC said, “Who cares? As long as we have a good football seeson.”

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Treas. Sec., Steve Mnuchin’s wife, Louise Linton, insulted a mother of three for not being rich. To be fair, Linton is crabby because she is mnenstruating, 

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 Hillary Clinton’s book, “What Happened.” At the debate, Hillary said Trump made her skin crawl. To which Trump replied, “I give all the ladies goosebumps.” 

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Mark Wahlberg was named the highest paid actor in 2017. And just like that, we understand why  Daniel Day-Lewis and Matt LeBlanc are retiring.

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The San Francisco Forty Niners assistant coach, Katie Sowers, is the first full-time gay coach in the NFL. Well, if you don’t count the Cowboy cheerleader’s private dance choreographer, Alphonse. 

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Donald Trump has declared war on the press. And why not? It worked so well for Richard Nixon. 

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It's been a few days since the eclipse. And today the eclipse announced it will appear on “Dancing with the Stars.” 

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Researchers claim procrastination is inherited. It may be true. When my dad got mad at me, he’d joke, “Why did I put off getting condoms?” 

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The San Francisco Forty Niners assistant coach, Katie Sowers, is the first full-time gay coach in the NFL. Katie works with the wide receivers. 

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In Phoenix, Donald Trump used the Rolling Stones’ “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” at his rally. And when Sec. of Treasury, Steve Mnuchin’s wife, Louise Linton, walks into a room, Trump plays the Stones’ “Bitch.”