Friday, June 30, 2017

Right now the producer of “Morning Joe” has more lumber than Subway Jared at recess. 

Spirit Airlines has awarded a baby born on its plane free flights for 21 years. That will teach people not to have their babies on Spirit Airlines.

Spirit Airlines has awarded a baby born on its plane free flights for 21 years. Or six months. Whichever proceeds Spirit’s bankruptcy.

Spirit Airlines has awarded a baby born on its plane free flights for life. In gratitude, the parents named the baby after Spirit Airlines. So say hello to little baby Incompetence. 

The Google doodle was a tribute to Victor Hugo, the author of “Les Miserables.”  “Les Miserables” was also another insult Trump thought of calling Mika Brzezinski. “She’s a miserable les.” 

In Pittsburgh, on his way to the Tampa Bay Rays-Pirates game, umpire John Tumpane saved a woman from jumping off the Roberto Clemente Bridge. He ruled she had too much pine tar on her hands, so he ejected her.

Since you asked:

Truly I feel sorry for parents these days.

“Son, if you constantly lie and cheat and insult women, you will never amount to anything.”

“But, dad, what about the president of the United States?”

Tina Fey, Kanye West, Katy Perry, all of the Kardashians and Jenners, Demi Lavato, Calvin Harris, Miley Cyrus, John Mayer, Lady Gaga. 

Most famous people of 2017? 

No, a partial list of all the people Taylor Swift has had feuds. Starting to think maybe Taylor does not play well with others. Taylor needs a swift kick in the tuchus. 

The dead cat theory? When you want to change the subject, you throw a dead cat on the table. 

Right now Donald Trump has 13 dead cats on the table. 

Great game between the Nats and my Cubbies. Got a feeling these two will have quite a playoff series this year. 

Wish someone told me a long time ago - they did, I was just not listening - to learn the difference between accept and except, affect and effect, analogy and metaphor, either and neither and that irregardless of all of these, irregardless is not a word. And not to abuse literally because it is literally annoying. 

Strunk and White’s. “Elements of Style.” Get it. Read it. Live it. 

Read Richard Roeper’s “Chicago Sun Times” review of Will Ferrell and Amy Poehler’s  “The House” and it was - surprise - not kind.

Now, I have not seen “The House,” but it could not have been that bad. You could have Amy Poehler, Will Ferrell and Jason Mantzoukas read the phone book and it would be pretty funny.

Here is a good rule of thumb when reading reviews of comedies: snotty film critics do not like comedies. Two of Mel Brook’s best, also two of the best ever, “Blazing Saddles” and “Young Frankenstein,” were crushed by critics. 

Movie critics suck when it comes to comedy.

That is because comedies remind critics of their cruelly humorless childhood. Growing up to want to insult other people’s works is how critics feel they can assuage the pain of being left out of experiencing laughter as children. They want, nay, they need movies like “Precious” and “Million Dollar Baby” and “Leaving Las Vegas” because those wildly depressing movies are a tad less depressing than their upbringing. That makes them feel better.

Whenever I read a particularly venomous critique of comedy, it makes me feel sorry for the bitter critic. How does someone’s reaction to someone trying to make them laugh result in anger? As I am not a psychiatrist, nonetheless, I still have to believe it reflects badly on their psyche.

The worst reaction a bombed joke gets from me is, “Oh, I cannot imagine why they thought that was funny. Oh well, at least they tried to make me laugh.” 

Anger does not enter the equation. 

And I saw Michael “Kramer” Richard’s stand up set at the Comedy Store in LA right before his N-word tirade. Richard’s set was the singular most awful attempt at comedy I have ever witnessed. And the only emotion it evoked from me was sincere pity. Sincere pity for a guy who has made millions on a comedy TV show. 

Humorless people respond to comedy the way I imagine people who can’t swim respond to water ballet: anger, jealousy, frustration and resentment.

When humorless people hear people laugh, it reminds them of listening, from a distance, to the cool kid’s table at lunch in high school. Since they cannot participate, they decide to rebel and launch an all-out attack on funny people and laughter.

Although I do have to say, Richard Roeper got in a clever, if not bitchy, line in the end about envying the women in “The House” who knocked each other out boxing.

As of now, nothing I have seen has made me want to back off my statement that Donald Trump cannot read.

Let me sum up comedy over the last 40 years: Before you could not say shit, but you could talk shit about people. Now you can say shit, but you can’t talk shit about people.

Most overrated band of all time? No question. Kiss.

Most overrated rock star of all time? No question. Grace Slick.

This is not bragging, it is true.  Each day I write just over 1,000 words. That works out to about to 20 jokes and a 300 to 500 word diatribe on my blog. Sometimes more. Sometimes less.

But that adds up to those words totaling 2,000 if you count the times they are posted on my “A Little Bit Bad” blog, on Twitter and Facebook. And then ten to twenty times that if you include how many times I send them out in emails to prospects to use them. Or more accurately not use them. Comedians. Greeting card company. Editors. 

Why am I saying this? Because I want it out there. Just in cases.