Sunday, June 25, 2017

And, encore une fois, I am, as always, without a soupçon of pretentiousness, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In Saudi Arabia, a suicide bomber blew up only himself. The only news that’s better than a suicide bomber blowing himself up is when a hunter gets eaten by its prey.

A survey claims the average heterosexual couple has sex for 19 minutes. “Is that counting awake or unconscious?” Asked Bill Cosby.

Ivanka Trump’s clothing line is being sued by an Italian shoemaker for stealing their design. Ivanka is hopping mad and she is going to foot the bill so her lawyers can give this case the boot. 

“No Trump would ever do something like stealing a shoe design,” said Eric Trump, who killed a giraffe and charged a children’s cancer charity $ 1 Mil. to use a golf course for one day. 

What kind of heel would steal a shoe design? There is trouble afoot. They should toe the line. 

A TMZ poll of 90,000 reveals 84% think Bill Cosby is guilty of rape. That is 75,000 people who think Cosby is guilty. That’s more people than Cosby has raped.

The president of the Lakers, Magic Johnson, said Lonzo Ball has greatness written all over him. And his father, LaVar Bell, has restraining order written all over him.

Blac Chyna was rear-ended in L.A. It took paramedics over an hour to remove the offending driver from Blac Chyna’s butt.

Russia hacked 39 US state’s election systems. This explains why Idaho had a write-in candidate named Putie McPutinface. 

It is the third anniversary of a man walking into a New York McDonalds with a knife in his back. His life was in danger and he almost died on the spot. And besides the affects of eating at McDonalds, the knife wound was bad too.

Since you asked:

The Inner Warrior Is Strong With This Lex

Anyone who knows me knows how I hate to brag.

But . . . as I am getting a tad older, it is time to take credit before credit is due. 

There is no doubt in my mind that I have inherited many traits of a damn good warrior. My fighting skills are exhibited by my stellar but brief wrestling career. In one and a half seasons of junior high wrestling, out of many dozens of matches, I only lost once and that was to a fat, smelly kid thirty pounds heavier than me. 

And he did not pin me. 

Although I have not been in many real fights, the few I have been in, mostly in sports, I have not lost. One guy I punched lost four of his bottom teeth. Sure, it cut my hand and gave me a staph infection that ruined an entire summer and almost cost me my arm, but that is no big deal. 

Since I can remember, riding things like bikes, skateboards and horses and windsurfers and stand up surf boards has come as second nature. 

I am a strong swimmer once beating a friend in a mini triathlon who was way skinnier than me and a member of the UCSB water polo team. 

Although I have not been on horses much, an expert horseman in Durango, Colorado deemed me an expert rider and put me on the back of a mustang from a Navajo reservation. She took me and Virginia on a two hour ride that included galloping and jumping over streams and a fence hey stack. 

As long as I can remember, I have had a knack for starting fires and keeping them going either in a fireplace, in a Weber or on at a camp. 

My first two merit badges in sixth grade were starting a fire and grilling a steak on a stick. My pack leader, Tom Hall, a great guy, was dutifully impressed with my steak and said it was better than his dad ever did. That has stuck with me my entire life.

First aid has been instinctive. Not only am I good at bandaging, but I have a good instinct for what to do in medical situations. Mine or someone else’s.

The few times I have been shooting, my aim is, in all due modesty, amazing. In seventh grade, I won a marksmanship award at Camp Douglass Smith shooting a .22 rifle. My archery skills are legendary. Was better than average with a javelin. 

Plus I am funny as hell, I can play an instrument and can tell a mean story. All skills important around a campfire. And I can hold my booze. A strong Viking/Knight trait. 

Not going to lie, my handyman skills stop at changing the toilet paper. (My wife would say they don’t even go that far) My ability to fix a car stops at opening the hood. And I can draw and paint about as well as a chimpanzee with ADHD on meth. This extends to my poor penmanship. Gardening? I can open the gate for my amigos. And the chances of me being able to watch what I recorded on the DVR are about 50-50. 

But I have impeccable warrior skills. 

There are times when my warrior instincts jump out and surprise me. Like the time I went duck hunting with my father-in-law, Jim, RIP. We were walking down a hill, my feet went out from under me and I fell down the hill about twenty yards. I held on to my shotgun the entire time. Nobody taught me how do do that, it was just instinct.

The same thing happens when I stand up paddle board. No matter how worked I get in the surf, I hold on to my paddle. That is something they train hard at in the military. You lose grip of your weapon, you’re dead. 

Getting along with animals of all kinds is second nature. Fact of the matter is I am more than a tad of a dog whisperer. 

And I've always had more than my share of ESP/ intuition. Have seen ghosts out of the corner of my eye in places that I later found out were haunted. (Telluride Museum that used to be the miners hospital, an Indian burial ground on a golf course and an abandoned hospital wing full of iron lung machines in Gloucester, Mass)

These instincts would save lives in battle. 

Another warrior instinct that jumped up to surprise me was when I was walking my dog, Wally. We scaled this steep hill and when I got to the top, I started war whooping like a comanche. (Scared the hell out of Wally)

When you’re winded, you have to breathe out hard, but the last thing you want - in a battle or sports - is your opponent to know you’re winded. So, since you have to exhale hard anyway, it takes no more effort to employ your vocal chords and add a loud “Whup. Whoa. Whew.” 

This accomplishes two things, A, it makes your opponent think you are not tired and, B, it makes them wonder if you're crazy which scares them. (Ask Wally) This is an instinct nobody taught me. It was just there waiting for me at the top of the hill. 

No, there is no doubt about it, in past lives I was a fighter, a warrior, a commando, a pioneer. A pirate. A soldier. 

Now if I could just figure out how to use Snapchat. 

A survey claims heterosexual couples have sex for an average of 19 minutes. Asked to comment, guys said, “No, yeah, I totally do that. You mean like 19 as in one less than 20? Right. Sure. So we’re clear, not nine, 19? (cough) No problem.” (whistling) 

There is little or no chance this Lonzo Ball deal will be anything less than a Laker disappointment given the incredible hype. How many teams get a Magic, Kareem, a Kobe and then a fourth savior? Especially likely to disappoint when you throw in the unwanted drama of a psycho father. 

Hope I am wrong. I like the Lakers. Not over my Bulls, but I like them. They are the anti-Pistons to me. 

It pains me to admit I have just a soupçon of jealousy of people who are able to work soupçon into their conversations. 

Amanda Bynes has announced she is sober and wants to return to acting. 

“Oh, goody, then we can give you all of those movie roles we were going to waste on Jennifer Lawrence.” Said an unbelievably mean and sarcastic Hollywood. 

“People” magazine reports Kris Jenner is “not thrilled” Kendall and Kylie Jenner spent father’s day with Caitlyn Jenner. In addition, Kris Jenner has now been nominated into the “Passive Aggressive Hall of Fame.”