Chew dah mang and dah mangulum, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Gay right wing firebrand, Milo Yiannopoulos, resigned from “Breitbart” after he supported pedophilia. And he is removed from contention as a spokesperson for “Subway.”

In Ohio, an attractive 26-year-old blonde nursing home worker, Brittany Fultz, was arrested after a video showed her giving a lap dance to a 100-year-old man. She was charged with three counts of being totally awesome.

No doubt this was a horrible crime. On the bright side, the victim did break Larry King's record for longest 100-year-old man's erection. 

Scientists have discovered seven earth-sized planets orbiting a nearby star. This is such a new discovery, Donald Trump has not had time to place their immigrants on the travel ban. 

A London study says owning cats does not make you crazy. My Aunt Gertie and her cats dressed as the cast of “Cats” to the contrary.

Las Vegas has the Chicago Cubs as 7-2 odds to repeat as World Series Champions. Last year, you could have gotten 1,000-1 odds on ever hearing the words: Chicago Cubs repeat as World Series Champions. 

A study says South Korea will take the lead in life expectancy by 2030. The same cannot be said for their dogs. 


Since you asked:

Trump media counselor, Kellyanne Conway, has been conspicuously absent from the news. It almost makes me feel sorry for her. 

Almost.

One can almost picture Kellyanne in her White House basement Siberia-adjacent cubby hole, like Milton in “Office Space.” She is flirting into her iPhone video using her hair brush as a microphone:

“Did I say alternative facts, you handsome devil, Chuck Todd? What I meant was avant-guard conclusions. Or better yet, creative hypothesis. Yeah, that’s it.” (Hair flip, giggle) 

What is it like working at "Brietbart News" when the only person to have to leave, Milo Yanaplusizedpopulary, Milo Yannbipolar, Milo the Y, was endorsing pedophilia? 

"Uh, yeah, Gary. Come on in. And please, don't sit in one of my chairs. Uh, we just heard from HR and everyone pretty much agrees, Gar-bear, we at "Brietbart" would like you to start wearing pants to work. Nothing fancy. Just cover up the boys and Wilbur. Umm K? Good talk. Buh bye."

Have this on a t-shirt. You would not believe the number of times youngerish people have asked me,

"Was he the one who said that?"