Saturday, February 25, 2017

Historians claim a doctor reported Adolf Hitler had a tiny, malformed penis. Hitler’s penis was so small, Trump would be tempted to grab it. 

The Spirit Awards for Independent films is today. Do not confuse this with the Spirit Airlines Awards. They reward excellence in customer torture, ridicule and abuse. 

*It is the second anniversary of when a blind Minnesota man saw his wife for the first time in ten years thanks to an eye implant. And the first anniversary of her forgiving him for looking at the nurse’s butt.

74-year-old actor, Harrison Ford, came too close to an American Airlines jet in his single-engine plane. The investigation revealed Ford was in a hurry to get to Applebee’s Early Bird Special.

Sadly, in LA, a magician was found dead in the closet of the Magic Castle. Investigators say it was either a heart attack or the worst disappearing act ever.

**Muhammad Ali Jr. is suing a Florida airport for detaining him for two hours. So Ali is suing because he got through TSA about ten minutes later than everyone else?

Since you asked:

*If people laugh at this joke at all, it is a slight reimbursement for a lifetime of not being able to enjoy touching moments without making a smart-ass wise-crack. 

**A few years ago, before almost everyone in this country became infected with severe entitlement, Jay Leno told a joke about a man from Afghanistan suing TSA for profiling. Leno's punchline was:

"Look, if you're name is Mohammad and your last name is not Ali? Get to the airport early." 

Well, his name was Muhammad Ali, so the person questioning/detaining him was obviously an idiot. 

My point? Lighten up, Junior. Think about all that your dad went through and how classy he was. Be the apple near the tree. 

Saw the Hank Williams biopic, "I Saw The Light." 

How did this damn good flick slip under my radar? And I loves me some music biopics, I surely do. 

No, you don't have to be a big country music fan to like this. Although Hank was country, i.e. corny and twangy, his music was also just damn good. It has been covered by Eric Clapton, Ray Charles, Bob Dylan, The Stones, Tom Petty, George Thorogood, Elvis, Waylon Jennings, Johnny Cash, it goes on and on. 

And Tom Hiddleston acts and sings the living crap out of this role. Not too much, not too little. He becomes Hank in my mind. 

Let's get to the good stuff. 

As my obsession with rock biographies and biopics has revealed, yes, in case you were wondering, singing and or playing your hit song in front of thousands of adoring fans is everything you think it might be plus one hundred times more. They all agree.

(I've played in front of a few hundred and that is indescribably great) 

Unlike sex, performing music before more people makes it better. 

And having money and time to booze it and binge it up with adoring groupies right afterwards is probably pretty sensational as well. (Although some, like Keith Richards, are not big fans of the groupies) 

But after that the music star bidness is all pretty much not great news. Cheating agents, business managers, record producers and promoters. Hard to be a husband and a father. And then there is the mind-altering boredom of traveling and recording. 

To have the insane motivation to make it in any business that millions of people will do for free, you have to be performing for someone who isn't listening. In Clapton's case, no dad and a mother who rejected him twice. 

One of the record executives in Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers "Running Down A Dream" said, the untold story of rock is a mother who left too soon and a father who hated you. And in Bono's case, he was lucky enough to have both. 

Like everybody who has made it big in music, Hank Williams was seriously damaged goods going into it. About the only ones I know of who were not were Keith Richards, Mick Jagger and Jimmy Buffett. 

(Until his biography, "Born To Run," I used to think Bruce Springsteen was included in that lucky group, but he was most certainly not)

And Hank Williams had horrible health problems, two he was born with, spina bifida and heart problems, and others he self-inflicted: hard core alcoholic and drug addict.

But the Hank Williams story is amazing and genuinely all American. 

But the fact is, no matter how big these great talents make it, there are scant few anyone in their right mind would want to trade places.

And whatever you do, do not watch the movie "The Shallows."

Big fan of the Blake Lively. Big fan of surfing. Big fan of coastal Mexico. Loved "Blue Crush." Loved "Jaws." 

It turns out none of these go well together. It sucks. 

The only true accomplishment of this movie is how they were able to take the attractiveness of the gorgeous Blake Lively out of the movie in the first ten minutes. 

There are some impressive shark special effects. But when you consider "Jaws" was made in the special effects stone age, even that is pretty sad.