Like a Bawse, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

ESPN reports 450,000 condoms will be distributed to athletes at the Rio Olympics. 7 of those condoms will be used by the US men’s race-walking and badminton teams alone. 

In India, in the town of Chainpur, monkeys overran a voting site. And not only that, but 30 of the monkeys wrote-in a vote for Donald Trump.

Starbucks will now allow baristas to wear fedoras. So now the Starbucks baristas have a job and a hat they cannot spell. 

It is part of Starbucks program to become 50% more hipster-doofussie. 

According to political experts, at her DNR speech, Hillary Clinton has to put the latest email leaking controversy aside. That is why her speech is titled “Bernie’s My Mensch.” 

At the Rio Olympics, the Australian team refused to check in to the Village for health reasons. Asked to comment, one said, “Crickie, the arvo we got here we saw mozzies the size of gallahs.” The Australian interpreter translated: “That afternoon they saw mosquitos as big as parrots.”

You know an Olympic Village is messed up when Crocodile Dundee would rather stay in a Motel 6. 

You know those two raptors from the Jurassic Olympic team? They just checked into a Holliday Inn Express. 

During his RNC speech, Donald Trump courted Bernie Sanders voters. I’m no political expert, but Trump has as much chance to get Bernie Sanders supporters as Melania does to win the Nobel Prize for Literature.