Tuesday, February 23, 2016

ISIS is having a cash-flow problem. They have even used up all their gift cards at The Allah Garden, Thank Allah Its Friday and Bed, Bath and a Bomb. 

Black entertainer endorsements are split between Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton. Even the black Oscar nominees are split. Oh, right, there are no black Oscar nominees. 

Since you asked:

On her show, “Kocktails with Khloe,” Khloe Kardashian accused NBA star, James Harden, of cheating on her. If Khloe has learned anything it is if you want to date a guy who will remain faithful, make it an NBA player who is rich and constantly travels surrounded by women who want to sleep with him. 

Not that I am hoping this happens, but you know what would be interesting if it did? If ISIS hacked Apple and Apple needed the FBI’s help. 

If there is one thing “Sports Illustrated” swimsuit edition has taught us over the years is that it is not possible to un-hot a hot woman. Make them sweaty, dirty, muddy, oily, sandy, covered in snow, rain and paint. They will still be hot. 

Anyone else notice how similar the "Friends" theme song is to the Beatles "I Feel Fine"? 

Loved ESPN’s “30 For 30” episode “The ’85 Bears.” It captured the sense of the insane love affair between the Chicago Bears and us fans that magical season. We could not get enough of that team. And it really shined a light on the sense of humor of many of the players, especially Jim McMahon, Dan “The Danimal” Hampton,  Mike Singletary, Gary Fencik, Steve “Mongo” McMichaels and The Fridge, William Perry. And, of course, the wonder and glory that was the amazing-in-every-way Sir Sweetness, Walter Payton. 

Only knew one person who did not like Walter Payton and she is one of the biggest sociopaths in the country. 

What I know now that I did not know then was what a colossal a-hole Mike Ditka is and was. The only way a team that talented did not repeat in ’86 is if their megalomaniacal coach is out doing every commercial and every over-the-hill waitress in Chicago, which Ditka was. 

Anyone, like Ditka, who smokes cigars and keeps their cash in pimp-roll, as I am sure Donald Trump does, is a world class ass-munch. Ditka is a world class ass-munch. The only other sign of a world class a-hole is when they keep their feet on their desk, ala Dick Cheney during September 11th. 

It behooves us to review the warning signs of the biggest pr*cks in the world, ala Ditka, Cheney, Trump and two righteous tools I used to work with, Aldo Pudgano and Bob Feldermunch: 

A, Combover.
B, Drives Range Rover or BMW, with the exception of O'Snake.
C, Feet up on the desk.
D, Rude to serving staff or retail.
E, Smokes cigars
F, Keeps cash in a pimp-roll. 
G, Picks their teeth in public after dinner. 
H, Says the word crap all the time. 
I, Constantly asks if they can be honest with you. 
J, Does not like dogs.