Monday, February 15, 2016

Shaka to the geevum-brah, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It is unseasonably warm today in California.  I’m sweating like Kanye West waiting for a billion dollars from Mark Zuckerberg. 

Last night was the republican debate. The good news is Dr. Ben Carson made it to his podium without getting lost.

Australian authorities found almost a billion dollars of liquid meth inside bra gel implants. The good news is they stopped the drugs. The bad news is it will leave a lot of women feeling flat. 

After the Super Bowl, Peyton Manning vowed to drink a lot of beer and paparazzi have now spotted him in Mexico. The last time I drank a lot of beer and ended up in Mexico, I got a tattoo with my mother’s name misspelled. 

Swimsuit model Ashley Graham is the first plus-sized model to be on the cover of “Sports Illustrated.” If you don’t count Charles Barkley.

“The Walking Dead”  has the scariest, growling, non-stop-eating zombies ever. If they were texting they could be my teenage daughter. 

“Sports Illustrated” swimsuit issue will have a virtual reality feature. Virtual reality has to be the best euphemism for masturbation ever. 

Kanye West tweeted he needs one billion dollars from Mark Zuckerberg claiming: “All you guys had meetings with me and no one lifted a finger to help.” And Amber Rose told us how much Kanye likes it when someone lifts a finger to help him.

The season premiere of “Survivor” is billed as the toughest test yet. They say it is scarier than a Valentine’s Day dinner with Bill Cosby. 

“The Walking Dead” had a wild twist. I feel sorry for actors who try out for a zombie and do not get called back. That has to hurt. 

“I’m sorry, you’re just not right.” 

“Not right? Not right to play a dead guy?” 

“TMZ” paid $100,000 for the Ray Rice fiancé-punching elevator video. $100,000 for one punch. It’s like paying for the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight all over again.