Friday, January 04, 2008

We rippin’ and trippin’ and flippin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What a shame

It is now feared that the writer’s strike could cancel award shows. Of course, Hollywood could actually just resort to literally and non-verbally smooching each other’s butts.

Hunkering down for a fight
In an upset, Barack Obama finished two spots ahead of Hillary Clinton in the Iowa caucus, but Hillary is not deterred, in fact, she is getting serious and breaking out her red Rambo head band, black face paint and her camouflage pants suit.

A video clip shows Lindsay Lohan chugging champagne out of a bottle at a New Year’s Eve party. In her defense, Lindsay said she only took a chug of champagne to wash out the after-taste of all the cocaine she snorted.

Lindsay chugged champagne right out of the bottle. Now we know why she said she didn’t have a glass of wine all night, she didn’t use a glass.

A little mellower
The writer’s strike continues. The writer’s strike is pretty peaceful, some labor strikes get violent. They get so violent heads get split. The writer’s just make fun of split infinitives.

Not good
This is a little embarrassing. I wrote an entire list of New Year’s resolutions all designed for me to be more organized in 2008. But now I can’t find it.

Not since then
Roger Clemens on “Sixty Minutes” vehemently denied injecting steroids into his buttocks, as his trainer swears he did. If the trainer is right, this is the biggest lie about a guy sticking something in his butt since Idaho Senator Larry Craig.

Go figure?
Britney Spears was hauled off in an ambulance and will undergo psychological evaluations. It is really starting to look like Anne Heche may be the sanest woman in Hollywood.

The rumors floating around are suggesting that Britney Spears may be crazy. In fact, there is some evidence of schizophrenia. Britney's latest single is "Oops, I did it again, and so did I."

Nasty weather
Southern California is bracing for a big storm. It is expected to be so nasty, during the storm, Pamela Anderson is going to marry and divorce Al Roker.

Oops, I did it again
It’s only January 4th and I broke my New Year’s resolution of no mean jokes about the French. But supposedly diminutive French President Nicolas Sarkozy and his tall model/singer girlfriend, Carla Bruni, had their first love spat. It got so bad, Carla had to put Nicolas in a time out.

Classic joke revisited.
Joe Smith and his wife, Betty, are out to dinner and, after a few cocktails, his normally uptight wife surprises Joe by saying;

“Hey, let’s do something crazy and take a cab over and check out that strip club on the interstate.”

When they get there, the doorman opens the door and says;

“Well hi there, Joe.”

“How does he know you?” Joe’s wife asks incredulously.

“Oh, he is on the volleyball team that I play with every Thursday night.”

They sit down at a table and the cocktail waitress puts down a double vodka and tonic and says;

“Here is your drink, Joe.”

Anticipating his growing-angrier-by-the-second wife’s next question, Joe says;

“She also cocktails at the bowling alley I go to on my Tuesday bowling night.”

Joe’s wife, Betty, appears to reluctantly accept this explanation when, just then, the hottest and sexiest stripper in the club runs over and plops down on Joe’s lap, she tickles his ear and says;

“The usual lap dance, Joe, honey?”

Absolutely furious, Betty Smith runs out of the club and into a waiting cab. Joe races after her and barely makes it before she slams the door right behind him.

“Liar! You haven’t been bowling and playing volleyball”, Joe’s wife, Betty, screams, “you’ve been coming to this strip club and fondling these little whores. That’s it, from now on you stay in and wash the dishes and do the laundry. And another thing, if you think you’re going to ever spend any more money on these, these trollops, you can forget it, do you here me, Mister?”

The cab driver looks up in the rear view mirror and says;

“Jeeze, Mr. Smith, you really picked up a bitch this time.”