Saturday, January 05, 2008

We getting our playoff on, come on now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A new study reveals that monkeys treat sex as a commodity and females make the males pay for sex by bargaining for the males to do chores like grooming them. Which reminds me, Monkey Whores is the name of my new punk/techno-rock fusion band.

This brings an entirely new meaning to the term: Monkey Business.

A new study reveals that monkeys treat sex as a commodity and females make the males pay for sex by bargaining for the males to do chores like grooming them. Or something like that, I couldn’t finish the article because I had to take out the garbage and clean up the garage.

On this date in 1933, construction began on the Golden Gate bridge; and, on the very next day, reconstruction began on Joan Rivers.

Rumors claim Britney Spears threw violent tantrums during her involuntary hospitalization for mental illness examinations. It got so ugly at one point, in order to inflict intolerable pain on her subduers, Britney performed her act.

A big storm hit the west coast. It was so windy in Malibu a gust knocked Tom Cruise into the same bed with Katie Holmes.

Since you asked:
Love the rain. True it did ruin my chances of paddle boarding this weekend due to the victory-at-sea-like conditions and the resultant water pollution, but it is perfect for sitting inside and watching NFL playoff games. And for grilling my marinated chicken thighs with stir fry mushrooms and carrots served on basmati rice pilaf with my own Thai brown sauce*. It so good it make you wanna go home and slap your Chinese food delivery boy, is what it do do. (Heh, he said do-do, heh, heh)

Lex, you ask, as you and your Thor's Thunder are the all-knowing First Friday Fantasy Football League winners of a very challenging year that saw one team, the Bing Crosbies, go 14-2 and become almost unbeatable with Tom Brady, Adrian Peterson, Terrell Owens and Brandon Jacobs, and your team lost Deuce Macalister in the first game, promptly went 0-4 and you had to pick up eight players from the waiver wire, and yet you won anyway, what is your brilliant insight into the NFL playoffs?

Well, I don’t know about brilliant, well, OK, but I cannot underestimate the power of momentum going into the playoffs. This has me predicting loses for the New York Giants and as well as the Indianapolis Colts and the Tennessee Titans. Yes, I know the Colts are getting Marvin Harrison back, but I don’t care. The extent of their injuries do not vanish just because it is playoff time.

Now I was going to extend that prediction to the Jacksonville Jags, but they are so powerful at running back and their quarterback is getting hot, I think Pittsburgh will lose in a close one due to their weak running game. Fast Willy is adios’d along with the dishes. Plus they are named the Jags and that should be good for a couple more jokes at least. (Question: If the Jaguars name is shortened to Jags, why aren't the Titans the Tits?)

The Cowboys are like the Packers and the Giants in that neither of them are really that good and it doesn’t really matter who wins the NFC anyway because the Patriots or the Jags will beat them in the Super Bowl. Sure, the Redskins have the emotional edge, in memory of Sean Taylor, and we would all like to see them win as a result, but that is all they have, and they won't. Win, that is.

The fact is, whether I like or not, and I don’t, there really isn’t much chance – outside of a fluke injury to pretty boy Tom Brady – of anyone stopping the Patriots. The only thing that gives me pause with the P-Riots is their aged defense making it through, but they have two week rest which is huge.

Listen, I don't care two shakes of a bunny's tail about 16-0. The bigger fact is the P-Riots won games they didn’t really give a crap about. That is unheard of in the parody/parity-ridden NFL where five loses is no longer a big deal. Now the Patriots do give a crap about the games? One word: Scary.

*Sautee chopped onions and mushrooms with sliced carrots. Add a 1/2 cup of cocoanut milk, less than a 1/2 a cup of peanut butter, a big splash of soy sauce, smaller dash of oyster sauce, a dash of white wine or rice vinegar, garlic powder, pepper and smoked paprika. Cook down slowly for as long as the rice takes, about 20 minutes. Once it starts to look too thick, add water.

Seriously, I need to start charging for these pearls.