Monday, December 03, 2007

The problem with the Ohio State-L.S.U. championship game is there is no existing rivalry.

For a rivalry to exist there must be three things, a, a genuine history and, B, they have to be geographically close, and C there must be a true hatred.

So where does the hatred come from? The differences and or the similarities. For example, Northwester is a much tougher academic school than fellow Big Ten rival Ohio State, but Ohio State dominates Northwestern in football. So what do the Northwestern fans shout while being trounced by Ohio State 45-0?

“That’s OK, there’s no harm, one day we will own your farm.”

Take, for example, USC versus U.C.L.A. Both are famous quality colleges in the Los Angeles area but bitter rivals. So why all the hatred?

USC is a private school and its tuition is more expensive than UCLA but with a less stringent entrance requirement than UCLA. And because a higher percentage of USC student live on the campus, there are more sororities and fraternities so USC has more of a reputation for partying.

UCLA is a state-funded university with much tougher entrance requirements than USC so it is harder to get in to but less expensive if you do. And many UCLA students still live at home and commute to UCLA rather than live on campus.

As a result, USC sees UCLA students as boring broke-ass nerds and UCLA sees USC as a bunch of stupid spoiled rich drunk frat boys and sorority girls.

UCLA then will contradict USC's image of them by saying that, even though they are, in fact, smarter than USC, they have won more division one NCAA titles than anyone including USC.

USC will say they don’t care about women’s water polo and men’s tennis doubles, the most important thing is that their main programs, like football, are far superior to UCLA. And, as for being not as smart, allegedly, USC will site their much-wealthier-on-average alumni.

To which UCLA will reply that their basketball program dominates USC and the only reason the USC has a wealthier alumni is that everybody just goes to work for Daddy’s company while UCLA alums go out and succeed on their own in the real world.

To which the USC fan will reply, fine, I will go work for Daddy and be rich and play golf all day, have fun working in my Daddy’s computer division, you boring home-living UCLA dorks.

To which the UCLA fan will reply, fine, you beer and Polo cologne-drenched little Nancy-frat-boys with the little gay cashmere scarlet-red sweater tied around your neck, at least we learned something during college. All you learned in college was that we UCLA students were all doing your easy USC sorority girls while you USC alcoholics were passed out drunk.

To which USC will reply, our sweaters are gay? Our sweaters are gay? UCLA actually admits its colors are yellow and baby blue. It is no accident that yellow and baby blue rhymes with “fellows who I bl*w.”

To which UCLA will reply, you moron, its fellows whom I bl*w, not who I bl*w, you uneducated idiot. At least we aren’t named the Trojans, a contraceptive that pops when used by the pool cleaner, which is how all of you were born in the first place.

To which USC will reply, ha, so you admit you bl*w somebody. And at least we have a pool, the closest you will have is a car pool.

To which UCLA will reply, no, you stupid dumb ass, I didn't admit I bl*w anybody, I was just correcting your syntax, but you are so stupid you think a syntax is what we had to pay after doing your sorority girls while wearing one of you, a Trojan.

I could go on but it gets a little ugly.

Now don’t get me started with Oregon State and USC.

That pits the Trojans against the Beavers.