Monday, December 03, 2007

We gonna take that one to the house, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A new study confirms that exercise increases the production of neurons in the brain making people smarter. Can you imagine if Paris Hilton didn’t work out every day?

A New York City restaurant offers a lobster and caviar pizza for $1,000. It’s not as outrageous as it sounds, the pizza comes with a “I’m an incredibly selfish jerk with too much money” t-shirt.

Am I the only one who is an utter sap for those awesome “Leave Nothing” Nike commercials that feature the San Diego Charger’s Shawn Merriman tackling and St. Louis Rams Steven Jackson running to the stirring music from “Last of the Mohicans”? The commercial did scare the hell out of my wife, when I leapt from the couch screaming; “Stay alive, I will find you.”

Heather hits new lows and widths
Wow, is Heather Mills easy to hate or what? In the middle of one of the ugliest divorce settlements ever due to her insane greediness, Heather issues a statement on how much she despises rich people, but she just used them to raise money for charity.

Meanwhile, after bitterly chastising the press for lying about labeling her a porn star, pictures of Heather have, shall we say, opened up? No lie, it was if somebody was trying to make a wish. If Heather had spread her legs anymore we could have read her mind. Seriously, the only thing missing are the gyno’s stirrups.

Two sticks and a chain?
How about the extended time out during the Chargers-Chiefs game because the first down chain was broken? We have Global Positioning System that can track any inch on our 196 million square mile earth in a split second, and the NFL is using two sticks and a chain to measure first downs? That’s like replacing your iPhone with two tin cans and a string. Why not replace the scoreboard with an Abacas?

“We cannot give you the score of the Chicago Bears, Denver Bronco game due to technical difficulties, the homing pigeon carrying the score was killed by a hawk.”

Put MRI’s in every training room, use satellites to send signals to the quarterback’s helmet speaker, shoot the game in digital Hi Def, but whatever you do, do not put a single stinking computer chip in the football to measure a freaking first down.