When we do the do that get all good to you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Cue: hands on face scream.
“Home Alone” star Macually Culkin testified that Michael Jackson did not molest him. It was embarrassing when Culkin first started testifying. When the prosecution walked to cross-examine Culkin, he slipped on marbles and fell in glue and feathers after a swinging brick hit his head.
Rolling Kidney Stones
The Rolling Stones announced a new world tour. These guys are getting up there. Now when they sing “Start Me Up” they’re talking about their Rascal scooters.
The Rolling Stones announced a new world tour. You can tell the Rolling Stones are getting up there in age; now after nearly every song, Keith Richards mutters; “That’s not music, that’s noise.”
I think the Stones tour is called the; “Have I told You This Story Before?” tour.
First ever
There has been talk of sending New York Yankee’s $82 million flop Jason Giambi down to the minor leagues. If Giambi is sent down he will go on record as the first guy to try and order room service caviar at a Red Roof Inn.
Now that was scary
Due to an errant plane scare, the White House and Congress had to be evacuated; people in Washington haven’t had to move that fast to get out of the White House since somebody spiked Bill Clinton’s coffee with Viagra.
I knew there was a name for that
It was reported in Iraq there has been a rise in “pleasure marriages”, where men pay widows to have for sex for a period of time. We have that practice of “pleasure marriages” here. What are they called, again? Oh yeah, Hookers.
That would impress me
Bill Gates said mobile phones will overtake iPods by providing more music but also Internet access, games and video conferencing. Big deal? I won’t be impressed until they can come up with a cell phone that gets drivers not to drive like a moron when they are on their cell phone.
Hate when that happens
Due to an accidentally errant plane scare, the White House had to be evacuated but our Commander-in-Chief was out mountain biking at the time. When he heard about the evacuation, Bush rode his bike back so fast the playing card was knocked out of his spokes.
Due to an accidentally errant plane scare, the White House had to be evacuated but our Commander-in-Chief was out mountain biking at the time. Apparently the leader of the free world needed a biking break. He was tired from playing all of his video games.
Dork Day Afternoon
“Star Wars III, Revenge of the Sith” opens today. Nerds haven’t been this excited since they started putting talking computer chips in blow-up sex dolls.
How else can you explain it?
WBA heavyweight champion, James Toney has been stripped of his title for testing positive for steroids. This isn’t the first case of steroids in boxing. Take Don King’s hair, for example.
No, not the same guy
It was awkward when President Bush was informed why the White House and Congress were evacuated. When told it was caused by an errant Cessna, Bush said;
“Wasn’t Errant Cessna the guy who created that “Beverley Hills 90210”?
El Squacko Wrinkle cream, take three and four
Mexico has produced an anti-wrinkle moisturizer comprised of human semen. Supposedly the semen anti-wrinkle cream works so well, women in Beverly Hills are actually deciding they’d rather be wrinkled.
How it works is the women put the semen on their face so they will have less wrinkles so guys will find them so attractive they will want to, well, put semen on their face.
Dying to go there
In Sports Illustrated, a groundskeeper at Wrigley Field said it is not uncommon for people to covertly dump their loved one’s ashes on the field. It’s hard to believe there may be more dead people in Wrigley Field then there are built into the cement of Giant Stadium.
That’s amazing. I thought the only time they allowed dead people on the field at Wrigley was the Cubs around playoff time.
An idea whose time has come
A Korean company is offering dog owners a dog translation service over the phone. The way it works is that you get the Korean dog to bark into the phone, it translates it and then you hear;
“Help, he wants to kill me and cook me!”
Since you asked and stuff like that there:
Remember when I told you my TiVo thinks I’m a moron on crystal meth because it recorded “Jerry Springer” and an episode of “Saved by the Bell” in my TiVo Suggestions? Now it thinks I’m an old retired gay man living in Miami Beach. Today it recorded “Days of our Lives” and “Oprah.”
Cue: hands on face scream.
“Home Alone” star Macually Culkin testified that Michael Jackson did not molest him. It was embarrassing when Culkin first started testifying. When the prosecution walked to cross-examine Culkin, he slipped on marbles and fell in glue and feathers after a swinging brick hit his head.
Rolling Kidney Stones
The Rolling Stones announced a new world tour. These guys are getting up there. Now when they sing “Start Me Up” they’re talking about their Rascal scooters.
The Rolling Stones announced a new world tour. You can tell the Rolling Stones are getting up there in age; now after nearly every song, Keith Richards mutters; “That’s not music, that’s noise.”
I think the Stones tour is called the; “Have I told You This Story Before?” tour.
First ever
There has been talk of sending New York Yankee’s $82 million flop Jason Giambi down to the minor leagues. If Giambi is sent down he will go on record as the first guy to try and order room service caviar at a Red Roof Inn.
Now that was scary
Due to an errant plane scare, the White House and Congress had to be evacuated; people in Washington haven’t had to move that fast to get out of the White House since somebody spiked Bill Clinton’s coffee with Viagra.
I knew there was a name for that
It was reported in Iraq there has been a rise in “pleasure marriages”, where men pay widows to have for sex for a period of time. We have that practice of “pleasure marriages” here. What are they called, again? Oh yeah, Hookers.
That would impress me
Bill Gates said mobile phones will overtake iPods by providing more music but also Internet access, games and video conferencing. Big deal? I won’t be impressed until they can come up with a cell phone that gets drivers not to drive like a moron when they are on their cell phone.
Hate when that happens
Due to an accidentally errant plane scare, the White House had to be evacuated but our Commander-in-Chief was out mountain biking at the time. When he heard about the evacuation, Bush rode his bike back so fast the playing card was knocked out of his spokes.
Due to an accidentally errant plane scare, the White House had to be evacuated but our Commander-in-Chief was out mountain biking at the time. Apparently the leader of the free world needed a biking break. He was tired from playing all of his video games.
Dork Day Afternoon
“Star Wars III, Revenge of the Sith” opens today. Nerds haven’t been this excited since they started putting talking computer chips in blow-up sex dolls.
How else can you explain it?
WBA heavyweight champion, James Toney has been stripped of his title for testing positive for steroids. This isn’t the first case of steroids in boxing. Take Don King’s hair, for example.
No, not the same guy
It was awkward when President Bush was informed why the White House and Congress were evacuated. When told it was caused by an errant Cessna, Bush said;
“Wasn’t Errant Cessna the guy who created that “Beverley Hills 90210”?
El Squacko Wrinkle cream, take three and four
Mexico has produced an anti-wrinkle moisturizer comprised of human semen. Supposedly the semen anti-wrinkle cream works so well, women in Beverly Hills are actually deciding they’d rather be wrinkled.
How it works is the women put the semen on their face so they will have less wrinkles so guys will find them so attractive they will want to, well, put semen on their face.
Dying to go there
In Sports Illustrated, a groundskeeper at Wrigley Field said it is not uncommon for people to covertly dump their loved one’s ashes on the field. It’s hard to believe there may be more dead people in Wrigley Field then there are built into the cement of Giant Stadium.
That’s amazing. I thought the only time they allowed dead people on the field at Wrigley was the Cubs around playoff time.
An idea whose time has come
A Korean company is offering dog owners a dog translation service over the phone. The way it works is that you get the Korean dog to bark into the phone, it translates it and then you hear;
“Help, he wants to kill me and cook me!”
Since you asked and stuff like that there:
Remember when I told you my TiVo thinks I’m a moron on crystal meth because it recorded “Jerry Springer” and an episode of “Saved by the Bell” in my TiVo Suggestions? Now it thinks I’m an old retired gay man living in Miami Beach. Today it recorded “Days of our Lives” and “Oprah.”
posted by Alex at
3:26 PM
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