Oh, so it’s gonna be like that, huh, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?
The Snooze team
People are still in shock at the poor performance of our Olympic men’s basketball team. They got crushed by Puerto Rico. Isn’t Puerto Rico our commonwealth? That’s like the Post Office getting crushed by the Postal Annex.
The guy knows his audiences
*Ralph Nader was in Las Vegas where he denounced gambling. Good move. What’s next, Ralph? Going to Hershey, Pennsylvania to denounce candy?
Nice try, Al
*Al Gore got a speeding ticket for going 75 miles an hour. Al tried to argue his way out of the ticket, he claimed his personality was only going 25.
Huh?
*Toys R Us announced they may sell their toy division. Then they will go from Toys R Us to We R Bored.
Not a big selection
*Jury selection has begun in the Kobe Bryant case. They can only pick people who aren’t very well informed about the Kobe Bryant case. So that leaves out everyone but the C.I.A.
Ah choo, and make it a double
*Alcohol may soon be available in a mist-form that you inhale. Comedy clubs will have to instill a two-snort minimum.
Hey, what am I saying? I’m a Cubs fan, for crying-out-loud
*A Chicago area Costco will sell discount caskets. This should come in handy for the Cubs just before the World Series.
You thought those Costco shoppers clogged up the aisle before? “Hey, you mind moving your coffin there Count Dracula?”
Who are these Costco caskets for, anyway? Is there a big market for Vampires at Costco? Are a lot of Mafia hit men shopping at Costco?
Good job
*The Greeks did a wonderful job hosting the Olympics despite the press’ dire predictions of disaster; an article about the Athens games in “Sports Illustrated” made it sound like the track athletes would have to wear construction helmets when they ran.
Just can’t decide
*In a speech to the Republican convention, former New York mayor Rudolph Guliani spoke of how John Kerry frequently changes his opinion. When asked what he thought about Guliani’s speech, Kerry said he didn’t like it. But then, later, he said he liked it, but then he didn’t like it.
Don’t want to see that
*Arnold Schwarzenegger speaks to the republican convention tonight. Arnold is going to take advantage of the teleprompter; the last thing he wants is to have to grope around for words.
When a man loves a woman
*In an interview with G.Q., John Kerry discussed what he looks for in a woman. Kerry said the most important thing is trust. As in: trust fund.
Kerry said what he looks for in a woman is honesty, loyalty, and a trust fund the size of his huge ol' head.
The Snooze team
People are still in shock at the poor performance of our Olympic men’s basketball team. They got crushed by Puerto Rico. Isn’t Puerto Rico our commonwealth? That’s like the Post Office getting crushed by the Postal Annex.
The guy knows his audiences
*Ralph Nader was in Las Vegas where he denounced gambling. Good move. What’s next, Ralph? Going to Hershey, Pennsylvania to denounce candy?
Nice try, Al
*Al Gore got a speeding ticket for going 75 miles an hour. Al tried to argue his way out of the ticket, he claimed his personality was only going 25.
Huh?
*Toys R Us announced they may sell their toy division. Then they will go from Toys R Us to We R Bored.
Not a big selection
*Jury selection has begun in the Kobe Bryant case. They can only pick people who aren’t very well informed about the Kobe Bryant case. So that leaves out everyone but the C.I.A.
Ah choo, and make it a double
*Alcohol may soon be available in a mist-form that you inhale. Comedy clubs will have to instill a two-snort minimum.
Hey, what am I saying? I’m a Cubs fan, for crying-out-loud
*A Chicago area Costco will sell discount caskets. This should come in handy for the Cubs just before the World Series.
You thought those Costco shoppers clogged up the aisle before? “Hey, you mind moving your coffin there Count Dracula?”
Who are these Costco caskets for, anyway? Is there a big market for Vampires at Costco? Are a lot of Mafia hit men shopping at Costco?
Good job
*The Greeks did a wonderful job hosting the Olympics despite the press’ dire predictions of disaster; an article about the Athens games in “Sports Illustrated” made it sound like the track athletes would have to wear construction helmets when they ran.
Just can’t decide
*In a speech to the Republican convention, former New York mayor Rudolph Guliani spoke of how John Kerry frequently changes his opinion. When asked what he thought about Guliani’s speech, Kerry said he didn’t like it. But then, later, he said he liked it, but then he didn’t like it.
Don’t want to see that
*Arnold Schwarzenegger speaks to the republican convention tonight. Arnold is going to take advantage of the teleprompter; the last thing he wants is to have to grope around for words.
When a man loves a woman
*In an interview with G.Q., John Kerry discussed what he looks for in a woman. Kerry said the most important thing is trust. As in: trust fund.
Kerry said what he looks for in a woman is honesty, loyalty, and a trust fund the size of his huge ol' head.
posted by Alex at
12:01 PM
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