Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Bless her sweet heart
In our society, the rudest thing you can do to someone – short of physically hurting them or swearing at them – is to hang up the phone on them.

As a result, we have established familiar patterns of, what I call, granting the release. If one phone converser grants the other a release, it cannot be considered a ‘hang up.” These releases are initially requested like “Oh, I have to run” or “I’ll call you back.” The release grants come in many forms: “OK, I’ll let you go.” “I’ll talk to you later.” And then, usually concluded with a goodbye and the blessed click.

My wife, Virginia, bless her heart, is not a believer of easily granting said release. You really have to squeeze the release grant out of her.

Here is a typical example of my side of the end of a phone conversation. Typically, this is after the fourth or fifth time this same scenario has been repeated that same day:

Me: OK, umm, we can talk about this when you come home. I gotta go.

Me: Why? I need to fax something, so I need the phone line (a lie) so I gotta go.

Me: No, I don’t know what we should do about dinner, but, right now, I still have to go.

Me: No, I don’t know what time “Scrubs” is on, but, ahem, I reeealllly gotta go.

Me: Yes, I do really enjoy talking with you on the phone, but for right now, I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO GO.

Me: No, I am not mad, but, for the love of decency, DAMMIT, HANG UP THE FRICKIN’ DAMN PHONE.

Me: No, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, I just (moan) would really (whimper) like it if I (whine) could hang up right now. Pleeeeease.

And then she hangs up on me.

Anyone else have this private hell going on? Let me know: