Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Let’s kick it for rezzle my brizzles and sizzles, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

There go my vacation plans
*The marines are close to a deal that allow them to pull out and give Fellujah back to Iraq. Are they nuts? And lose that garden spot? A hot desert scorpion-ridden dump filled with crazy terrorists? That’s a slice of heaven. I was hoping to build a summer home there. Shoot.

Stop it, you fierce persons
*In Italy the statue of David has been fully repaired and restored. OK, this gay-makeover thing has officially gone too far.

Another great idea
*Pringles is coming out with potato chips with trivia questions written right on them. You know, questions like what’s the difference between obesity and rampant corpulence? Describe the symptoms of arterial sclerosis and other heart diseases.

I see
*Strip clubs in Wisconsin are registering voters. They aim to put the pole in the polling booth.

Already done
*HBO has pulled the plug on a “Sex and the City” movie. They abandoned the project when they realized that Kim Cattrall’s Samantha Jones character has had sex with everybody in the damn city.

Now that’s violent
*The return of San Diego Padres Pitcher David Wells will be delayed because of a bruised toe the pitcher suffered when he hit a bar stool chasing his friend. That is the same game of tag that resulted in a cut wrist tendon and sliced pitching hand for Wells. That has to be the most violent game of grab and tickle since David Gest and Liza Minelli's honeymoon.

*To give you an idea how boring the Minnesota Timberwolves Los Angeles Lakers series has been, due to blowouts, halfway through the game, I caught myself watching a John Kerry speech.

That should do the trick
The news has been depressing lately. We need something to really cheer us up. You know what we need? We need a suicide bomber to blow themselves up accidentally with no other casualties. That always does it.

Minority Report
A census reveals that, for the first time, whites are not in the majority in California. Here I have only been a minority for a few days and already I am sick and tired of being kept down by the man.

This explains why the La Jolla Starbucks changed its name to Starbizzles.

That explains why I saw governor Schwarzenegger in long baggy shorts, a retro jersey, backwards baseball hat, mirror shades and while flashing Brentwood ‘hood signs.

Shoot, now I gotta throw away all my shorts and pants and buy really those baggy long shorts. You know, those pants that aren’t pants and aren’t shorts? I call them shants.

Enough already
Can sports reporters stop the incessant descriptions of Kobe Bryant’s “courage” in playing basketball after being on trial? The guy spends less than an hour in a luxurious private Lear jet and then slides into a limo. There are people who have tougher commutes who work from home.