Here’s the 411, Mister Dealio and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

President Bush-whacked
*Did you see how President Bush opened his speech last night with a safety tip? “My fellow Americans: Don’t try to stop a mountain bike with your face.”

Both John Kerry and George W. Bush have fallen off a bicycle. And today, Dennis Kucinich fell off his skateboard.

Ewwww, part one
*In health news, researchers at a New York hospital have found nearly half of the neckties worn by medical personnel are contaminated with bacteria. And you don’t even want to know what they found on the proctologist’s wristwatches.

Yo, whack this here
*Did you see “The Sopranos”? They whacked Adriana. That’s ironic, because, since the show started, a lot of guys have whacked to Adriana.

*“Shrek 2” made over one hundred million this weekend. Is it just me, or do Shrek and Fiona look like Tony Soprano and his sister Janet after a plate of bad clams marinara?

Nor a Hansen concert
*A New Yorker columnist James Surowiecki has written a book titled “The Wisdom of Crowds.” He claims the collective intelligence of large crowds is very high. Apparently he has never seen the “The Jerry Springer Show” audience.

Ewww, part two
*In Britain, students set a record for naked roller coaster riding. You know what is really scary? Other people had to sit in those seats after the naked roller coasters.

Go whoever you guys are
*The Stanley Cup is all set: The Calgary Flames vs. Tampa Bay Lightening. “I’ll take two teams I’ve never heard of before for one hundred, Alex.”

The Flames? Isn’t that the gay hockey team from Fire Island, New York?

I’m pretty sure the Fire Island Flames beat the San Francisco Pirate’s Booty for the Gay Stanley Cup.

Warm up the remote
*It’s a big night in sports: the Lakers and the Timberwolves are in the NBA playoffs, for hockey, the Stanley Cup finals begin, and if that doesn’t do it for you, you can watch tapes of the candidates falling off of their bikes.

Isn’t that precious? (In my best Church Lady)
An article in the New York Times debates which is the correct way to pronounce al Qaeda. Isn’t that perfect? While al-Qaeda devises vicious ways to kill us, we worry about how to pronounce their frickin'name.

We sure wouldn’t want to say al-Qaeda the wrong way. That might make them mad at us.

~~You say tom-ah-to, I say to-may-to, you say al-Qaeda, I say cowardly killers . . .~~

Mon Dieu
Get this. France, you remember France, that country that used to not be a third world power? Anyway, France has their French thong's in a twist - what else is new? - over the coalition forces exchange of power over to Iraq. Isn't that like the hooker question the validity of a customer's check?

Maybe it's more like a drug dealer questioning the validity of a policeman's badge.

Since you asked:
You know why I am not an international diplomat? Well, there are a number of reasons, but one of them is if I was a diplomat, and France questioned our exchange of power in Iraq, I would tell France to go eat a hot steaming plate of mind-your-own-frickin' non-showering business.

For France to shoot off their snail-holes about what is or is not happening in Iraq is about as appropriate as an alleged comedy and sports writer debating international issues in a semi-public forum, like a web log.

Oh, wait. Heh, heh. Ahem.

Never mind.

(Slowly backing out of the room, and then turning and running)

P.S. Speaking of running . . . Now, I know you are interested in this, but my running conditioning is really coming along. Why, now, when I go on a run, I can practically hear people say to themselves:

"Oh, my word, look. Oregon running legend Steve Prefontaine is really still alive. And man, did he let himself go all to hell."

And that's how we play, "Alex, I really don't give a rat's ass."

(Polite applause)

Go Cubs