This just in:
Golf features my least favorite things on each hole: Nervousness followed by embarrassment ending with a math problem. Throw in the occasional need for gardening (raking the trap) and you have everything I despise in one activity, minus a dental appointment.

But, Lord knows why, I love the game all the same. So, in preparation for my big game Sunday with Mark "O'Snickity Snake" O'Connor, a true golfing great, I decided to hit plastic balls against the house on my front lawn.

Since I was using an open-faced club, the sand wedge (this is where Homer Simpson starts drooling imagining “An open-face club sandwich”) I whacked one over the house, into the pit of destruction: the backyard laden with the two beasts, our yellow Labradors, Wrigley and Kasey.

In the time it took me to run through the house – trust me, it ain’t that big – and get to the backyard, Wrigley had made quick work of the ball. As my Grandmother Rodgers of Louisville, Kentucky would say, rest her soul;

“Well, now, you just cain’t help but laugh, is all.”

As I congratulated Wrigley on being one big canine disaster area, he started wagging his tale in appreciation and it Three Stooges-like whacked Kasey, five times, right on the muzzle. Whap, whap, whap, whap, whap. Trust me, Slatterns and Nuggies, it was hilarious. Poor Kasey. She rues the day we got that knucklehead dog, Wrigley.

Everyday is a Marx Brothers slapstick routine with those stellar hounds.

Let’s give a shout-out and props to the peeps in the hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Swarm the smarm
*Bad news from New York. You know the 17-year cicadas? It’s been reported that a swarm of cicadas have taken over Donald Trump’s hair.

American’s Idle
*Did you see “American Idol”? It was amazing. Milli Vanilli won.

65 million people voted on “American Idol.” President Bush didn’t get that many votes. Al Gore did, but Bush didn’t.

In case you’ve been on Pluto, Fantasia Barrino won “American Idol.” This just in, Florida says they counted the votes and Diana DeGarmo actually won.

65 million called? It should be called “Americans Are Idle.”

Good move
*After recruiting booze and sex scandals, the University of Colorado has reinstated suspended coach Gary Barnett. I don’t think Barnett is contrite. Today he hired Paris Hilton as an assistant coach.

More good news for Barnett, he has also been hired as Dennis Rodman’s personal consultant.

Fan calling the kettle
*The San Diego Padres’ Phil Nevin has been accused by a Philadelphia fan of verbal abuse. That’s like being accused of being rude by “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell.

*Philadelphia fans have, at various times, booed Santa Claus, booed children hunting for Easter Eggs, and cheered when opposing players are seriously hurt. For a Philadelphia fan to accuse anyone of verbal abuse is like being accused of lax hygiene by Pepe LePew.

Hate to see that
*There are reports of erratic behavior from the singer Jewel at a New York concert: rambling speeches, insulting the crowd, shortened performance. It sounds like Jewel’s been eating off of Courtney Love’s plate again.

She’s yar, me Matey
*The United States indicted radical Muslim cleric Abu Hamza for supporting al-Qaeda. Have you seen this guy? He has a long scraggily beard, he’s blind in one eye and he has a hook for a hand. He’s not a cleric, he’s a punch line to a pirate joke. Arrrrrr, Matey.

How did he lose his eye? He got sand in it. Normally you don’t lose your eye if you have sand in it, but it was his first day wearing the hook.

In addition, Abu Hamza was voted; “The Person You’d Least Like to Sit Next to On a Flight.”

When did that ever happen?
*In tennis, there are no American men left in the French Open. Can you imagine that? Americans being treated rudely in Paris? Who has ever heard of such a thing?

I’m hatin’ it
*Have you heard McDonald’s hip-hop “I’m lovin’ it” commercials? Why do ad execs try to be cool? Think Bob Hope dressed as a hippy. The McDoggies ad plugs their “old school flavor.” Is that something you want? My old school’s flavor was industrial cleaner and inedible chipped beef on stale toast.

Since you asked:
Fresh off the heels of my computer snafu - or was it a fubar? - now my TiVo is down. Oh, technologyeth, whyeth doeth youeth tortureth me-eth? Man, I swear, a month ago I didn't, as my Jewish friends say, know from TiVo. Now it goes down - not like that, you sicko - and my life is ruined. Ruined I tell you.

Not to worry, it is getting on track as we sprecken. It is just so damn disconcerting when that happens. It's like when you find a good website, and one day, it's gone. It would be like you go to your favorite restaurant and not only are they shut down, the building is no longer there. A day without Google is like a day without orange juice. (Clang)

Anyone want one of my running updates?

What is with the Cubbies? What? Seriously, I'm asking.

And I still hate the Los Angeles Lakers. (See the title of this section) Somebody tell me, what is there to like about the Lakers, besides, maybe Karl Malone, Luke Walton and Derek Fischer? Even their owner has a brutal combover. The Lakers are snotty from the owner down through the coach and the players and especially those "Don't look at me, even though I came here to be on camera" annoying movie stars. And even they all think Kobe Bryant is snotty. Staples should be re-named the Snot-atorium.

I can't stand them Flakers. (See how I made a funny name out of the word Lakers? Pretty cool, huh? I bet they are sorry they messed with a pro)

Well, except for the Laker girls. I likes me my Laker girls something fierce. They got themselves something there, boy. Grrrrrr. Rrrrrrrr. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Lalalalalala. Mmmmmmm. Zowiekabowie. Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck. Nerrrrrrrr. Whoa, whoa, whao, whoa. Errrr, wise guy. Ohhhhh.

And that's how we play "Ripp-off the "The Three Stooges" in a creepy, vile way.