Friday, September 19, 2003

We gonna get on up and smack ‘da stupid right outta them there, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Yawn Patrol
*Al Gore is going to help Gray Davis campaign. This should lock up the all important narcoleptic vote.

Get over yourself, Gray person
*Gray Davis was in San Francisco courting the gay vote. He is serious, for they day he changed his name from Gray Davis to Dapple-Slate Gray Davis.

Gray Davis had an embarrassing moment while in San Francisco to court the Gay vote. He asked the guys from “Queer Eye for the Straight Gay” to make him over, and they said; “Sorry, pass. We’re not Superheroes.”

Big ugly rodent, kinda like the ones that appear on “Springer”
*Paleontologists have discovered the fossilized bones of an ancient buffalo-sized rodent. To show you how big this rodent is, at a New York Chinese food buffet, it would serve 100 people.

Throw away the key
*A Winston, Ore. man told police he crashed his car after a bee flew into his mouth while he was singing along with Justin Timberlake's Rock Your Body on the radio. Police immediately handcuffed him and threw him in jail; not for crashing his car, for singing Justin Timberlake.

Some good news
Have you heard that the record industry is suing the parents of grade school kids for copying music on the Internet? The good news is we now know where Saddam Hussein is: He’s the public relations director for the music industry.

*In a turnaround, one of the parents of a child who copied music on the Internet is suing the record industry charging malicious cruelty. It turns out their kid copied a song by Celine Dion.

Tiger Slam
*The Tiger Woods PGA 2004 video game is out. Slump sold separately.

When you put it that way . . .
A Swiss bodybuilder was arrested for investigation of offering to murder the alleged victim in the Kobe Bryant sex assault case for $3 million. Kobe was outraged. Why, for that price, Kobe could almost buy another ring and have another affair.

Hate to hear that
Gary Coleman is reportedly running out of campaign money; it turns out his parents spent his allowance.

Saw this one coming, didn’t ya’?
Police have decided record producer Phil Spector did shoot the actress at his home and will present this information to prosecutors. Spector could not be reached for comment as he was out playing golf with OJ and Robert Blake.

One bitter critter
Have you heard of Bitter Bears? It’s a line of scowling, foul-mouthed teddy bears. When you rub their tummies, the bears have a chip that spews obscene insults. It’s the perfect gift for your ex- fiancé if your combined names happen to sound like Bennifer Lofleck.

(Check them out at Click on Listen to Bitchy Bear)