Monday, September 15, 2003

Mad flavuh up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In the Non Fiction section under Hypocrite
*Dr. Phil has a weight loss book out. Coming next: Dr. Phil’s hair care tips. The book’s coming out right after “Keith Richard’s Health Care tips.”

Is it just me, or is Dr. Phil a little chunky to be issuing weight loss advice and books? That’s like Gray Davis giving a motivational speech.

See Dick. See a lot of Dick
Have you seen Madonna’s children’s book “The English Roses”? Here is an excerpt: “See Sally. See Jane. See Sally see Jane. See Jane see Sally. See Jane slip Sally some tongue.”

What a guy
Bill Clinton is giving support to Gray Davis. He may be advising Davis, but he is going to give stripper Angelyne some great tips.

Fantasy Football can be dangerous
*Baltimore Ravens running back Jamal Lewis set an NFL record by rushing for 295 yards. In a related story, a Fantasy Football League’r who had Lewis on his team got so excited, he accidentally swallowed his asthma inhaler.

Not positive
Harrison Ford has begun filming a fourth Indiana Jones movie. I think this one is called “Indiana Jones, You Punks Get Off My Lawn.”

She got a right purty mouth
In a triple-over-time 44-38 win, Ohio State desperately wanted to avoid a tie with North Carolina State because a tie is like kissing your sister. To which North Carolina State replied;

“What’s wrong with that? That Sister kissin is some goodly kissin’ right there.’”

Howie Rummy
*Did you see “Fox NFL Sunday?” Is there any way Howie Long could take himself any more seriously? Long’s intense severity during his analysis makes Donald Rumsfeld seem like Carrot Top.

Other than that, he is OK
Former NFL tight end great and coach Mike Ditka has disclosed he suffers from adult diabetes, hyper-tension, arthritis, a hip replacement and erictile dysfunction. There are entire rest homes with less symptoms than this guy.

Long train runnin’
I found out why they cancelled Ben Affleck and J. Lo’s wedding; during the wedding rehearsal, the maid of honor couldn’t figure out where J. Lo’s butt ended and the wedding dress train began.

Now they say that Ben and J. Lo are spitsville, done, kaput. Can you blame them? If Ben and J. Lo are even half as sick of each other as we are of hearing about them, they have to break up.