Saturday, July 07, 2018

Want some, got some, had some, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Scott Pruitt resigned from the EPA. It turns out he thought EPA stood for Egregious Pilfering Allowed.

Pruitt wanted to spend more time ripping-off people in the private sector.

In Kentucky, the collapse of a whiskey warehouse caused 120,000 gallons of whiskey to pour into a storage pond. It caused people in a two-mile radius to act like they were from Florida.

The spill caused a traffic jam and the engagement of 43 pairs of cousins.

It is hot in LA. People are sweating like Harvey Weinstein watching "The Shawshank Redemption."

Russia losing to Croatia in penalty kicks is an example of what a cruel sport soccer can be. Another example is we are stuck with Alexi Lalas as an announcer.

In order for Russia to have beaten Croatia, they would have had to play half as great as Alexi Lalas thinks he was.

212 people have been sickened from a parasite in a Del Monte vegetable trey. The number of people sickened by Krispy Kreme donuts remains at Zero.

Since you asked:

"Fox Sports" soccer announcer Alexi Lalas is arguably the most unlikeable sports broadcaster since Howard Cosell used to strap a beaver pelt on his head and call it a toupee.

People giving me a hard time for suddenly hating on Alexi Lalas. Not true. I’ve hated on him since he had that long, scraggly goat beard and wore the hair band. 

Alexi Lalas puts the suffer in insufferable. Alexi Lalas is what being unspeakably rude to a waitress would be if it could wear a suit.

The problem many Americans have with soccer - with the guys with one name, the man-buns, the endless flopping, the diva behavior and the whining to the refs - is that soccer looks snotty, pretentious, prissy and arrogant. Snotty, pretentious, prissy and arrogant is Alexi Lalas behind a desk. 

Alexi Lalas was the son of rich parents in Birmingham, MI, who went to the same exclusive private school as Mitt Romney, Cranbrook. (Right down the street from my Aunt and Uncle Bill and Mary Schoen)

Lalas was an above average defender in the mid '90's at a time before the US women's team with Mia Hamm made soccer popular in the US.  

In the interest of full disclosure, I know a guy who used to play with Alexi and he disclosed, in no uncertain terms, what a complete bitchy ass-hat tool Lalas is. (And this guy was his own traveling roadshow in terms of ego, so Alexi really had to be something)  

And here is a dirty little secret about Alexi some do not know because he is clever about it: Lalas has either a combover or a toupee or both. 

Lalas began noticeably losing his feathers four years ago. Now, all of a sudden he has this sweeping coverage?  

Like I have said with Trump, there is nothing wrong with someone going bald. But when a guy wakes up and decides to cover it up, either sweeping his long hair on one side or a toupee, and thinks they can get away with it, something in their soul dies.

Alexi Lalas is the embodiment of a bitter ex-jock whose ego has grown out of control. He needs to go away. He is terrible for the image of soccer. 

Dear World Cup players: 

When you flop to the ground and writhe like a trout, make a concerted effort to grab the body part that was at least in the proximity of where the player slightly grazed you.

Friday, July 06, 2018

Brazil was upset by Belgium 2-1. After the game, there was an awkward moment when someone tried to console Neymar with a pat on the back and he flopped to the ground.

We are in a heat wave. People are sweating like the Nike factory foreman in Thailand missing the 12 kids in the cave.

James Woods claims his agent dropped him because he supports Trump. And Scott Baio's agent did not return his calls because it's not 1985.

We are in a serious heat wave. Across the US, people are sweating like Sarah Huckabee Sanders taking a lie detector test.

We are in a heat wave. People are sweating like Joey Chestnut running out of toilet paper on July 5th.

Since you asked:

There is nothing about the disgusting sleaziness and comparisons to a cesspool about Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan and the Ohio State wrestling program that surprises me.

Let me brag a little bit. 

I’ve been lucky to fall in love with, and be pretty good at, several sports, football, Decathlon, basketball, mini-triathlons, snowboarding, windsurfing and stand up paddleboard surfing. 

But the sport I was the best at by far was wrestling. As a kid, my friends would not wrestle with me, even the few my size, Howie Detmer, Jeff Lipe and Steve Lewis. It was no fun for them because I always won. 

In 7th grade, I was on the 8th-grade wrestling team which had never happened before. Not only was I on the team, but I was always wrestling kids in higher weight groups. 

And I wasn’t just undefeated, I was winning in 30 seconds. My coach, who may have been biased, made thinly veiled comparisons to the great gold medalist, Dan Gable. 

When I wrestled, it was as if someone was telling me into a microphone in my ear what the guy was doing next. Except easier. It was like I was in their head. 

Then one match, our coach - Mr. Dumas, a great guy and a great coach and an All-American wrestler at Northwestern - put me up against a heavyweight, forty pounds heavier than me, just so we would not forfeit the match. Mr. Dumas thought it would be good practice for me to lose since I had never lost.

This corn-fed moron was a fat, freckled, ugly, smelly Illinois farm boy who reeked like week-old sushi. Spent the entire match under his fetid swamp of an armpit. He threw me around like a rag doll, but he did not pin me and I quit wrestling on the spot.  

Wrestling is a disgusting sport of skin abrasions, sweat, funk, body odor and bruises. Latent homosexuality abounds. Why wouldn’t it? Only guys who really like to rub up against other guys really love the sport. Personally, I hated wrestling, I just happened to be a natural at it. Like a duck in the water, as Forest Gump said of ping pong.

Any adult involved in high school or college wrestling is under serious suspicion in my book. Yes, there are good coaches like my Mr. Dumas. On the other hand, I bet all of the wrestling coaches at my high school were closeted molesters. One, whom I know for sure was a closeted molester, name rhymed with Boy Day. 

Anyone who wants a look into the potential creepy sleaziness and weirdos involved in wrestling just has to see the movie about world-class psycho, John DuPont in "Foxcatcher." 

There have been two wrestling coaches in politics, Illinois Congressman Dennis Hastert, who was speaker of the house and in prison for over a year as a serial child molester, and Jim Jordan, who, as we are finding out more about him, is turning out to be a renowned scumbag and liar.

As a coach, it is horrible enough to ignore your athlete's charges of sexual assault, but Jordan doubled-up and lied about it. 

Thursday, July 05, 2018

Hope you all had a good Fourth of July. Or as Donald Trump calls the Fourth of July, "My birthday plus 20."

The Mueller FBI investigation, Stormy Daniels lawsuit, the charity fraud lawsuit, 14 sexual assault accusers, Kim Jong Un treaty breaking, Chinese and Canadian trade wars, Michael Cohen flipping.

It's no wonder Donald Trump only has time to start a Twitter war with Jimmy Fallon.

EPA head, Scott Pruitt resigned. Pruitt said it was an honor protecting the environment, then he got in his private jet fueled by fossilized snow-leopard bones and flew to his oil wells in Oklahoma.

EPA head Scott Pruitt resigned. He wants to spend more time with his business venture with DeVille making coats out of puppy Dalmatian fur.

Now that Scott Pruitt has resigned, Donald Trump has the hard job of replacing Pruitt with someone who dislikes the environment almost as much. His candidates include Godzilla and Lex Luthor.

Actor James Woods claims his liberal agent fired him because he is a Trump supporter. "Well that was stupid of the agent to do, James Woods is a hot, A-list actor," said the year 1990.

The man accused of covering up sexual harassment at "Fox News," Bill Shine, has been named the White House communications director. Shine will be working closely with Sarah Huckabee Sanders, so sexual harassment is not expected to be a problem.

As for his predecessor, Hope Hicks, Shine said, “Hope will be a hard ass to follow, err, I mean hard act to follow.” 

Since you asked:

It would seem the mystery of the sudden French infatuation (700 hits just yesterday) with my blog has been figured out one way or the other. There are two most logical explanations. 

The first one is somebody in France who is researching Charlie Manson got ahold of my 2009 piece “Welcome to the Hotel Charlie Manson” which ties Chuck and the incestuous world of drugs, sex and rock and roll in LA in 1967. 

Charlie Manson was many awful things, but a liar was not one of them. He was honest to his own detriment. So when Charlie admits to having sex with people, I believe him. And that included Jane Fonda - who has herself admitted it many times - and Candice Bergen and Sharon Tate and on and on. In the orgy-cocaine and acid scene of Laurel Canyon in 1967, Charlie, with the help of his girls and biker-supplied cocaine, was a regular.  

And someone in France is reading it over and over again.

Or, more likely, my blog was linked to a live sex chat room called “Camp Paradise” that is frequented by French folks. (We do not judge here at a.L.b.b.) 

Wednesday, July 04, 2018

You got to do the do to the voodoo that you do do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A study claims drinking 7 cups of coffee a day decreases your chances of dying by 16%. Makes sense. Active shooters don't usually check the bathrooms.

It's that time of year when Ed. Sec. Betsy DeVos says, 

"Wow, the Fourth of July came early this year."

More sexual assault charges have been brought against both Kevin Spacey and Harvey Weinstein. Once again begging the question: how does Hollywood have enough time to make a movie?

Joey Chestnut is once again the favorite to win the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. This guy goes through more wieners than a Kardashian at the Grammys  

In Australia, a video shows a woman getting her finger bitten while feeding a shark. She is fine, but I think we all learned something: sharks do not need help being fed.

Since you asked:

CNN stands for Commercial Needless Nightmares. 

CNN’s commercials are a nightmare. How can CNN be so obviously deeply concerned about the quality of their content and not give a flying hump at a rolling donut about the overall viewing experience of their viewers? Some of their shows are 30% commercials so that means 30% of their show sucks.

And they pay top dollar to have top broadcasters like Wolf Blitzer and Jake Tapper and Don Lemon.  

Their daytime commercials are all about getting cancer and not being able to afford to get it. Clearly, CNN just gives their commercial time to the top payer. And during one of my favorite shows, Anthony Bourdain (RIP) “Parts Unknown” they will repeat a commercial about a CNN show three times in a row. 

Maybe make a little less money and show a commercial that is actually watchable. Take into consideration the entire viewing experience from beginning to end. It reminds me of when you buy a product that has impossible-to-open packaging. It's as if the manufacturer is right there telling you,

“We have your money, we don’t care how annoying it is.”  

It happened again. This time over 700 hits on this blog from France. Can someone please explain why this blog is playing so well in France? Please email me and tell me. 

Tuesday, July 03, 2018

The Red Sox star, Mookie Betts, is related to Meghan Markle, the Duchess of Sussex. 

Please tell me this makes him the Duke of Mookies.


In Thailand, the great news is they found the 12 boys lost in a cave for 9 days. The bad news is they have to get them out of there before Donald Trump has them detained.  

Michael Cohen has gone from "Willing to take a bullet" for Donald Trump to "Putting my family first." In dating terms, that is the difference between, "You complete me" and "So, is your sister seeing anyone?"

In Thailand, they found the 12 boys lost in a cave for 9 days. That is great news because they're already a week late for their shift at the Nike factory. 

Dearest Prudence:

As we proud members of the Virginia Man-Bun and Neck-Beard Brigade prepare our attack on a Cracker Barrel to oust a lunching White House staffer, I hold you in my heart like Trump grabs a pussy.   


Colonel Covfefe Nambia 


Monday, July 02, 2018

It sounds like Michael Cohen is getting ready to screw Donald Trump so much, he will have to give himself $130,000.

Good news.

In Thailand, they found the 12 boys lost in a cave for nine days. They were getting so desperate to find the boys, they were thinking of sending in Kevin Spacey to find them.

Sunday, July 01, 2018

Jimi, Jimi, Jimi, dontchya know my name, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers? 

They asked Renaldo's statue to comment on Portugal's loss today:

"Errrrr mehhrrrr geerrd, I play soccer and kerk the berrrl with my ferrrt."

A Kid Rock is what they found in Ted Nugent's colonoscopy.

Roseanne Barr claims she has had several TV show offers. One is called "Eleven-Foot Pole." That's because the studio said they would not touch her with a ten-foot pole." 

The host team of Russia continues to do well in the World Cup eliminating Spain. When asked the secret of their success, they said teamwork, hard work, and the ardent desire not to get shot.

It is not surprising Russia has done well in the World Cup. Before it started, Vladimir Putin asked the team, 

"Did you hear the story about the soccer team that embarrassed me by losing and lived?" They said no. Putin said,

"Neither have I. "

Heather Locklear has agreed to enter a long-term mental facility. She will be on 24-hour watch, which means she will have a doctor on the schawing shift.

A producer for "The Bachelor" said the biggest elimination factor for contestants is herpes. It's the same thing with Donald Trump's Supreme Court nominee list.

34-year-old pitcher, Edwin Jackson, is on his 13th major league team, a record. If he gets on one more team, he will be an honorary Kardashian.

34-year-old pitcher, Edwin Jackson, is on his 13th major league team, a record. Jackson has been inside more different teams' pants than Madonna.

34-year-old pitcher, Edwin Jackson, is on his 13th major league team, a record. 14th if you count the New York Mets as a major league team.

What happened to the guy in Kansas who was arrested in May for having sex with the tailpipe of a car? He threw himself on the mercy of the court, but that backfired.

Two "Telemundo" World Cup TV hosts were suspended for making racist slant-eyed gestures while celebrating Mexico advancing due to South Korea's win over Germany. 

And the chant "Woof, woof, yum, yum," did not help.

It also did not help when someone yelled, "Schnauzer tacos for everyone." 

Since you asked:

Will take 4-1 odds that Justice Anthony Kennedy pops up in the Mueller investigation. Too big of a coincidence is no coincidence. 

Jared Leto, Keith Richards and Johnny Depp shop at Gay Pirates R Us.

A back that goes out more than a Trenton crack-whore #ProblemsIDidntHave20YearsAgo

The guy is still dating the girl who, when they announced Donald Trump was the 45th president during Super Bowl 52 said, 

"Oh my god, the Super Bowl has been around longer than our presidents."

She must be amazing at the sex.

The mystery of the sudden deluge of French readers on this blog remains.

Janice Hough of, on the Giants’ Beatles-themed postgame fireworks show: “In honor of (pitcher Hunter) Strickland breaking his hand on a door, are they playing ‘Fool on the Hill’?”

Like air escaping a tire with a nail puncture, you can hear the sympathy for Melania Trump escaping from the press and the public. Virtually nobody believes a one-time semi-model was unaware of her jacket's message,

 "I really don't care. Do u?" 

And that message could not have been more callous and bitchy given the circumstances. 

We wanted to be sympathetic due to Trump's awful treatment of her with Stormy Daniels, but now our worst suspicions were confirmed: Melania Trump is a greedy, vapid, ex-escort golddigger with virtually no class. In other words, perfect for Donald Trump.