Saturday, July 07, 2018

Want some, got some, had some, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Scott Pruitt resigned from the EPA. It turns out he thought EPA stood for Egregious Pilfering Allowed.

Pruitt wanted to spend more time ripping-off people in the private sector.

In Kentucky, the collapse of a whiskey warehouse caused 120,000 gallons of whiskey to pour into a storage pond. It caused people in a two-mile radius to act like they were from Florida.

The spill caused a traffic jam and the engagement of 43 pairs of cousins.

It is hot in LA. People are sweating like Harvey Weinstein watching "The Shawshank Redemption."

Russia losing to Croatia in penalty kicks is an example of what a cruel sport soccer can be. Another example is we are stuck with Alexi Lalas as an announcer.

In order for Russia to have beaten Croatia, they would have had to play half as great as Alexi Lalas thinks he was.

212 people have been sickened from a parasite in a Del Monte vegetable trey. The number of people sickened by Krispy Kreme donuts remains at Zero.

Since you asked:

"Fox Sports" soccer announcer Alexi Lalas is arguably the most unlikeable sports broadcaster since Howard Cosell used to strap a beaver pelt on his head and call it a toupee.

People giving me a hard time for suddenly hating on Alexi Lalas. Not true. I’ve hated on him since he had that long, scraggly goat beard and wore the hair band. 

Alexi Lalas puts the suffer in insufferable. Alexi Lalas is what being unspeakably rude to a waitress would be if it could wear a suit.

The problem many Americans have with soccer - with the guys with one name, the man-buns, the endless flopping, the diva behavior and the whining to the refs - is that soccer looks snotty, pretentious, prissy and arrogant. Snotty, pretentious, prissy and arrogant is Alexi Lalas behind a desk. 

Alexi Lalas was the son of rich parents in Birmingham, MI, who went to the same exclusive private school as Mitt Romney, Cranbrook. (Right down the street from my Aunt and Uncle Bill and Mary Schoen)

Lalas was an above average defender in the mid '90's at a time before the US women's team with Mia Hamm made soccer popular in the US.  

In the interest of full disclosure, I know a guy who used to play with Alexi and he disclosed, in no uncertain terms, what a complete bitchy ass-hat tool Lalas is. (And this guy was his own traveling roadshow in terms of ego, so Alexi really had to be something)  

And here is a dirty little secret about Alexi some do not know because he is clever about it: Lalas has either a combover or a toupee or both. 

Lalas began noticeably losing his feathers four years ago. Now, all of a sudden he has this sweeping coverage?  

Like I have said with Trump, there is nothing wrong with someone going bald. But when a guy wakes up and decides to cover it up, either sweeping his long hair on one side or a toupee, and thinks they can get away with it, something in their soul dies.

Alexi Lalas is the embodiment of a bitter ex-jock whose ego has grown out of control. He needs to go away. He is terrible for the image of soccer. 

Dear World Cup players: 

When you flop to the ground and writhe like a trout, make a concerted effort to grab the body part that was at least in the proximity of where the player slightly grazed you.