Saturday, January 21, 2017

Gamechangers Ep 3: A Legend in the Booth with Hank Azaria

Friday, January 20, 2017

Understated Mexican Dramas, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The NFL is furious at Dean Spanos for moving the Chargers to Los Angeles and they want him to move back. That would be like someone trying to get their job back after they angrily quit mistakenly thinking they won the lottery. 

“When I called you all skank nozzles? It was a joke.”   

To give you an idea how badly Dean Spanos is handling the Chargers' move to Los Angeles, the team just announced their official soft drink: New Coke.

Conservative pundit, George Will, said Donald Trump gave the worst Inaugural address in history. To which Trump said, “One speech and I’ve made history. Awesome.” 

That means Trump's speech was worse than Franklin Pierce’s infamous drunken “Suck it, bitches,” speech.

That also means Trump did worse than William Henry Harrison and he caught pneumonia and died. 

"So, how much should it be worth it for me to go schlep the ball?"

It was unfair to call Trump's vicious little lap dog, Kellyanne Conway, a ball-breaker. Turns out she's been a nutcracker the whole time.

Baltimore Ravens linebacker, Zachary Orr, had to retire at 24 due to a neck condition. And millions of San Diego Charger fans retired because of a pain-in-the-neck, Dean Spanos. 

The NFL is furious at the Chargers owner, Dean Spanos, for moving to Los Angeles. The NFL is so mad, they are thinking of having the Patriots deflate Spanos’s balls. 

The Inauguration forecast is cold and damp. Donald Trump says Al Roker is rigged. 

Russia admitted to a national conspiracy to dope their athletes. It was so pervasive, even the urine from their prostitutes tested positive for steroids. 

I’m afraid some of Donald Trump’s critics might be right. His first act after being sworn in was to evict a black family from their residence.

(Assist Snoop Dog)

Since you asked:

Saw a damn good documentary on Winston Churchill during and after WWII called “Walking With Destiny.” Quite simply the man prevented Europe from being taken over by the Nazis. Period. Franklin Roosevelt suggested Churchill was the greatest man alive.

However, nobody ever described Winston as a paragon of health. He inhaled huge cigars all day long, swilled booze the entire day and ate three rich, big, long gravy/saucy meals. 

That said, Churchill did maintain his own unique form of discipline. He wrote all day, whether in his bed, at his desk or in the bathtub. Winston wrote more books than some elected men have read. 

His first several whisky and sodas of the day were extremely weak. His aide described them as mouthwash. He took a daily “constitutional” walk every day. He took an hour nap like clockwork after lunch. And he fervently worked in his gardens. 

A funny British writer, Warren Docktor, researched Churchill’s drinking habits and attempted to duplicate them for a day. He initially described them as fairly civilized. The “bottle” of champagne Churchill consumed with lunch was a pint, not a regular bottle. He loved the hour after-lunch nap and felt fully invigorated. 

But by eight o’clock, when Churchill started hitting the brandy, the good Docktor was slurring his words. By ten he called it quits tipping his hat to Winston and passing out. Winston would have pushed on until the wee hours. Writing the entire time.

Was Winston Churchill an alcoholic? By most current definitions yes. He was an alcoholic who saved Western civilization. 

Some of my more interesting roommate/apartment experiences from Long Beach to Santa Barbara, to New York and San Diego and a few more stops:

Woke up to my girlfriend's roommate and her boyfriend screaming because they mixed up the sex lube with Ben Gay.

My neighbors girlfriend asked if she could use my fire escape to get into their open window below. Next sound I heard was glass breaking four floors to the sidewalk below.

My friends came over to my apartment with an appetizer and asked to put it in my oven. Smoke billowed out from the oven from the instructions and warranty on fire inside the unused oven.

Brought home an overnight date. Woke up the next morning to her in the living room about to striptease in her bikini for my roommates. 

Another overnight date woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. She did not know I could clearly hear her carrying on a full-blown, two-way conversation with herself. Asked and answered her own questions. Did not sleep the rest of the night. 

After my roommates and I stayed up all night cleaning to get our deposit back, our landlord did not give us one cent. My roommates may or may not have pelted their house with water balloons. And the balloons may or may not have been filled with red paint instead of water. 

Was entertaining a date when I saw a mouse run into my bathroom. Much crashing and slamming later, I had the mouse in a towel and walked over to the window and threw it and the towel out. My date had no idea why I threw a towel out the window.

Had a housemate who used to work on septic tanks. He would come home covered in head-to-toe in mud. One day it wasn’t mud. 

The guy about to rent me a room in a house said it was casual and OK to walk around in our underwear. In fact he insisted on it. Did not rent there. 

One bitter cold New York night, I let a homeless man into our heated lobby because I thought he would freeze to death. Six AM the next morning our lobby floor was covered with sleeping homeless people. They were gone by Seven AM. 

Looked out my apartment window and saw this sign: “Minetta Parking Garage. Open 24-Hours-A-Day. Honk Before Entering.” 

Kept a few eggs on my fire escape to pelt the cabs that honked their horns excessively in the early morning hours. 

(Leaving out some of the racier stuff) 

Thursday, January 19, 2017

According to a study, women are programmed to regret one-night stands. This study was not brought to you by Jaegermeister. 

Donald Trump says he can get rid of ISIS. It’s true. The guy owned the USFL’s New Jersey Generals, four casinos, a steak line and a brand of vodka that all went bust. Anyone who can fail at football, eating meat, gambling and drinking in America can get rid of anything. 

Donald Trump is set to name the 5-11 New York Jets owner, Woody Johnson, ambassador to the United Kingdom. Trump doesn’t understand what the fuss is. It’s not like he is naming Woody ambassador to England. 

Russia admitted to a national conspiracy to dope their athletes. This did not come as a shock after their women’s rugby team tested positive for scrotums. 

The movie “The Founder,” depicts McDonalds mogul, Ray Kroc, as a lying, cheating, ruthlessly thieving cutthroat. Donald Trump calls it the feel-good movie of the year.

At an introduction-to-LA town hall meeting, Chargers owner, Dean Spanos, was ruthlessly booed by the crowd. And those were all the Disney characters. 

The Hall of Presidents at Disney World is about to unveil it animatronic Donald Trump. They just have to get his hands from “It’s a Small World.” 

Donald Trump vows to eliminate ISIS. And if anyone can get rid of something it is the guy who destroyed seven businesses that sold meat, vodka and gambling to Americans. 

Since you asked:

The closest thing Donald Trump ever had to being president was when he was the owner of the New Jersey Generals of the USFL. Through Trump’s ego, over-spending and bad moves, he did not just bring down his team, he brought down the entire league. 100% of the other rich owners did not dislike Trump, they despised him. 

Check it out on ESPN’s "30 For 30" series. “Small Potatoes: Who Killed the USFL?” (Spoiler alert: it was Trump) 

While that USFL  stint was disconcerting, the fact is, using less money and saying stupid things, Trump still outfought Hillary. (Although I have my suspicions it was Barzini all along) You can only call Mr. Magoo lucky for so long until you give him credit.

A big part of me wants to believe there are special forces at work here and everything will be fine.

The other part of me thinks we're screwed. 

A lot of it all boils down to how you feel about Crystal hot sauce on avocado slices. (Don't ask) 

Generally speaking, women who refer to themselves in the third person as "Momma" are what we lovingly call gamers. As in,

"Momma needs herself a cocktail."

Did you know that Dean Spanos's name spells Penis Hand? Not really, but it is sort of close. 

No, it actually spells Panda Noses. Not sure what that means besides Spanos is an utter douche bag.

Ay-Ay-Ron Rodgers is the best QB in the NFL. Sorry, New England. 

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Remember, folks, pooping is your friend. It makes you feel good in the end, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Steroid cheat, Jose Canseco, tweeted that the baseball Hall of Fame was hypocritical for not allowing all steroid cheats. Something about this seems self-serving, but I can’t put Jose’s finger on it.

Michelle Obama posted a video of her last walk of the White House with her two dogs, Sunny and Bo. The good news is Sunny did not bite anyone. The bad news is that Bo took a golden shower on the rug.

It turns out porn videos are being hidden inside regular YouTube videos. Remember Psy’s “Gangnam Style”? It’s now gang-bang style. 

A shark in Australia gave birth without a father. This is the first known birth without a father since Kris Jenner had Kylie and Kendall.

It’s the third anniversary of when New York police found and arm and two legs in the East River. As to the identity of the victim, the police are still stumped. 

A shark in Australia gave birth without a father. Or so claims a guilty-looking male dolphin in the tank next to it.  

Singer Alanis Moresette’s manager pled guilty of stealing $4.8 million. Gosh, I hope this doesn’t make Alanis’s songs about men bitter.

Since you asked:

Inspired by Tennessee's naming a sewage plant after Lane Kiffin, I propose San Diego rename the Point Loma Wastewater Plant after Dean Spanos. 

So I was looking at a slideshow on Twitter identifying different types/shapes of stool and what they mean for your health. When suddenly the slideshow changed, without telling me, into scary sea creatures.

It scared the hell out of me.

Sorry about the poop-heavy theme. Will class the crap out of this tomorrow. (Oh, shit, I said crap. Oh crap, I said shit)

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Happy 95th Birthday to Betty White. Or as Larry King calls Betty: a trophy wife.

Pittsburgh Steeler coach, Mike Tomlin, was caught on a live video by Antonio Brown calling the New England Patriots A-holes. Remember Deflate Gate? This scandal is Denigrate Gate. 

Experts are highly critical of Chargers owner, Dean Spanos’s move to Los Angeles. Anyone who doesn’t think a billionaire team owner can be a complete idiot, I have two words: Donald Sterling.

Taking a sleazy marketing ploy from the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, the Chargers could be the Ex- San Diego, Southern California Los Angeles Chargers of Carson and or Gardena. 

In Australia, a shark gave birth without a male. Asexual shark reproduction. This could be a boon for our legal and political fields. 

New Denver Bronco coach, Vance Joseph, had to leave the University of Colorado after being accused of rubbing his erect penis on a woman. “What’s wrong with that?” Asked Penn State.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

In Florida, a maid of honor guzzled a bottle of whisky, stole the best man’s car, attacked paramedics and spit on police. On the other hand, it is nice to see Trump’s advisor, Kellyanne Conway, blowing off some steam. 

Since you asked:

Walter O’Malley was despised by generations of Brooklynites and New Yorkers for moving the Dodgers to Los Angeles and he had no choice. O’Malley’s hand was forced by a corrupt mob figure-head egomaniac, New York parks commissioner, Robert Moses. (Moses was also the jerk who, as a result, stuck us with the Mets)

The Spanos family will soon be worth $3 billion. They could have financed a stadium privately the way the Cowboys, Forty Niners and Giants did. Clearly Spanos was too gutless to try that, so he should have sold the team to someone who had the guts. 

Dean Spanos chose to move the Chargers to Los Angeles out of pure laziness, selfishness, cowardice and greed. Spanos deserves to be despised by San Diegans for a hundred years.

The classless way Alex Spanos treated Hall of Famer, Dan Fouts, was a precursor to how awful their ownership would be. The Spanos's ham-fisted bungling of players negotiation is almost Dan Snyder-like in its classless ineptness. 

(Anyone who doesn’t think a billionaire team owner can be a complete idiot, I have two words: Donald Sterling)

As a Chicago Bear fan and admitted fair-weather Chargers fan, I am surprised at how pissed off I am by this horrible move. The core of Charger fans are die-hards and deserve much better than this. They load up their trucks with their entire family in Charger gear and tailgate to celebrate the tickets they paid top price to get. 

To have those fans treated so badly by a spoiled, fat, old billionaire brat does not seem fair.