Saturday, May 14, 2016

A report says that 6,549 postal workers were attacked by dogs last year. That’s about 6,549 more dog attacks than suffered by people sending emails. 

Since you asked:

What would be my contribution to Strunk and White’s “The Elements of Style”? 

Attaching wise to words isn’t. 

What is interesting about Trump’s refusal to release his tax returns isn’t that it is a noble gesture to protect his privacy. It isn't. Trump is such a publicity whore, he would release his colonoscopy video if he thought it was impressive at all. 

No, make no mistake, Trump is ashamed of his tax returns. 

Here is one thing we know about Trump: he is a pathological liar. He lies about having ten billion dollars when he has one billion. Who does that? Now I am not accountant, but last time I checked, a billion is a lot of dollars. 

Trump’s lying is Hollywood-esque in its pathology. Hollywood makes 20 foot long sharks 40 feet long and 14 feet tall T-Rexs 30 feet tall.  

The other factor about Trump’s alleged billion dollars is much of the value, like real estate and his brand’s worth, is subjective and that subjective value was assigned by Trump, a pathological liar. What isn’t subjective is Trump’s debt which is estimated at around $500 million*. 

Debt is like termites, it can destroy things vastly larger than it is. When Trump inevitably does something so stupid it will cost him the election and will damage the value of his brand, his asset values will plummet while the termites continue to feast on what’s there. 

Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg, has made $4.5 million for every day he has been alive.

A recent study (stay with me) shows the average couple’s sex session lasts five minutes. So, based on that five minutes, Mark Zuckerberg makes $15,583 for having sex. Donald Trump, (see?) based on his generally-agreed-upon billion dollars, makes $130 dollars for having sex.

Triple Crown winner, American Pharaoh, makes $200,000 a sex session.  

So remind me how successful Donald Trump is again? 

Here are four things people who think they are smart - but are not - think you should know: 

The longest river in the world is the Nile

Frankfort is the capital of Kentucky, not Louisville. 

It is “May I go to the bathroom?” Not “Can I go to the bathroom?”

You’re doing well, not good. Superman and Batman do good. 

*"Fortune" has Trump's debt much, much higher.

Friday, May 13, 2016

Is it just me, or does Eric Trump look like a member of "The Karate Kids" nemesis, "Sweep the leg" Cobra Kai, who grew up to be the in-house coke dealer for a Sub-Prime Mortgage Broker?

Steve Winwood // Blind Faith - "Can't Find My Way Home"

Come down on your own and leave your body alone, somebody must change, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A town in Texas is building a $63 mil. high school football stadium. No expense spared. They even have special lockers for the players to hang the math club members from their underwear.

Poor Kylie Jenner is having a rough week. She broke up with Tyga. And from her pictures, it looks like Kylie got her lips stuck in the pool drain. 

Speaker, Paul Ryan, was encouraged by his one-on-one meeting with Donald Trump. But then a little later Ryan said, “Hey. Where’s my wallet?” 

Donald Trump said he has narrowed his runningmate picks to five or six. Five or six depending on if you count Chris Christie as one or two. 

Donald Trump’s son, Eric Trump, said his father was pleased with his meeting with Paul Ryan. Then Eric Trump went back to being a young Pat Riley vampire.

Sharon Osbourne is interviewing divorce lawyers. Ozzie is interviewing lawyers as well, but it is not going well. It is hard to find lawyers who speak Keith Richards English. 

A Florida man accidentally shot himself in the leg while waiting to go into a job interview at a school. As a result he did not get the job which made him hopping mad. 

The world’s oldest person, 116-year-old Susannah Mushatt Jones, died in Brooklyn. Let this be a lesson to kids, always wear your helmet when skateboarding. 

In Japan, an artist made a stir by making a kayak in the image of her vagina. There was an awkward moment when someone asked, “Hey lady, where did you get the Willy Nelson kayak?” 

Donald Trump compared his candidacy to a baseball game. And not just because he wears a batting helmet all the time. 

The Brazil Senate impeached President Dilma Rousseff just three months before the 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. The vote was not close. She got waxed.  

The next X-Men movie one will take place in the ’90’s. The X-Men will try to stop those “Friends” actors from falling into the fountain. 

Since you asked:

Man, I wish I was a reporter at a press conference with Antonio Spurs coach, Gregg Popovich:

“Hey, Pop, I got a question. Do you think you can find the balls to do your damn job and answer the press’s questions like a professional instead of pouting like a little bearded, know-it-all bitch?” 

Was up until 3:00 AM writing jokes last night. They seemed funnier last night than they do today. Apparently rapid eye movement sleep is a comedian’s friend. 

There is no doubt this is due to some bad memory from my single days, but am I the only person who despises this passive aggresive beyatch in the Discover Card commercial?

First of all, don’t be a dizzy trollop and lose your card. Secondly, do not freeze your way-hotter Taylor Swift-like friend to go find it. And why should everyone else have to freeze their good time because you’re an absent-minded little ditz? 

And once you find it, yes, that “You’re back” tool with all the side-to-side head-rolling is a douche, but clearly you let him buy your drinks. How did you even lose your credit card? You obvously did not use it. You had this troll buying your Cosmos all night. But now that you’re done using him and you’re leaving, you think you’re so smart by freezing him. 

(Bet that credit card isn't the only thing about her that is frigid. OK, that may be a little harsh . . . )

You have a Discover Card, woman. It’s a glorified Sears card. Not a Platinum American Express card. Lose the snotty attitude and stop freezing people. You're not Don Cheadle in "House of Lies."

Another in a long line of gems from Strunk and White's "The Elements of Style." Once again, chapter V,  "An Approach To Style," this time #17:

Do Not Inject Opinion

Well, that sucks . . . 

Pat Riley

Plus a vampire

Equals Eric Trump

Thursday, May 12, 2016

The rumor is Caitlyn Jenner wants to re-transition back to being a man. Look for this country song coming to a radio station near you: 

“Caitlyn, she came back to Bruce,

And she didn’t have to go anywhere.” 

Now this'n right here gettin' her done, by howdy

A New York artist named Tunick wants to take a picture of 100 naked women at the Republican convention in Cleveland. Women interested in posing should check out Tunick’s website titled “Too Lazy To Try Tinder. com” 

A town in Texas is building a $63 mil. high school football stadium. It will be called “Twisted Priorities Stadium.” 

In Japan, an artist caused a stir by making a kayak in the image of her vagina. It looked so real, Bill Cosby offered the kayak a drink. 

Sharon and Ozzie Osbourne now say they may try to talk out their marital problems. Thanks to Ozzie, it could be the first marriage counseling session with subtitles. 

FBI director, James Comey, said that ISIS is losing its appeal in the US. It started when ISIS sided with Jay Z over Beyonce.

The Rosie O’Donnell-Donald Trump feud continues with Rosie saying Trump’s mouth looks like an anus. Rosie made this comment while renewing her “Queen of Nice” title. 

A Chinese man was hospitalized with rotting genitals because, after a fight, his wife sprayed his underwear with pesticide. The wife was immediately hired by ISIS to head up their new “Bat Poop Crazy” department.  

Polls reveals, if the election were held today, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump would tie. And  if the election were held today, Bernie Sanders would yell, “It’s November already? I must have had one of my spells.”

An emotionally disturbed man was detained outside of Taylor Swift’s New York home. Oh my word, Justin Bieber, please get some help. 

In New York, a wax statue of a kneeling Adolf Hitler sold for $17 mil. It comes with a “I Am A Douche-Bag With Too Much Money” t-shirt. 

Justin Bieber said he will no longer take pictures with his fans. “Oh come on, just one more,” said Bieber’s last fan. 

Rumor has it Caitlyn Jenner is considering re-transitioning back to a man. He thought he despised being a man. Turns out he just despised being a man married to Kris Jenner. 

George Zimmerman is going to auction off the gun he used to kill unarmed teenager, Trayvon Marton. If you want to place a bid, just go to Special Place In Hell. com.

Since you asked:

On Strunk and White’s “The Elements of Style” back cover, the acclaim items includes;

“It is timeless as a book can be in our age of volubility.”    - “The New York Times.”

“Elements of Style,” In Chapter 5, #14: Avoid fancy words.

Speaking of fancy words. If you use the word Kafkaeasque, there is a 98% chance you are a flaming dick. People will tell you you’re smart and you’ll think they mean it, but they hate you. Look at Woody Allen. He used the term Kafkaeasque all the time. We thought Woody was a cute little nerd. Turns out he is a creepy little pervert who was banging his step daughter.

Did you see the video of the New Hampshire car chase where the culprit dropped to the ground and the police started hitting him? That was upsetting. They did not kick him once. Why didn't they kick the crap out of him? If someone leads the police on a two-state deadly car chase, they should get the living hell beaten out of them. Period. 

If I was the public relations director for liberals, I would strongly recommend they refrain from labeling anyone and everyone who disagrees with them as Hitler. Tolerant liberals despise far-right republicans for being shrill and intolerant. It does not help their case against the shrill and intolerant when their go-to move is to call anyone who does not agree with them the most murderous tyrant in history. Maybe lead with Stalin, Franco or Pol Pot. 

In case you think I have turned conservative on you, here is arguably the worst human being in the United States:

Mitch "Toby Turtle" McConnell, even though he is a moron, is a cancer on the soft tissue of progress and a shameless whore for the NRA. 

The rumors are that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are divorcing and Caitlyn Jenner wants to re-transition back to a man. Both sides vehemently deny these rumors, which means Kim and Kanye are getting a divorce and Caitlyn is going back to Bruce. 

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

A town in Texas is building a $63 mil. high school football stadium. They may even allow some of the high school teachers to sleep in the stadium tunnels when it’s raining. 

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

In India, thanks to fertility treatments, a 72-year-old woman and her 79-year-old husband had a baby boy. There was an awkward moment in the delivery room when the father saw the baby and yelled, “You punk get off my lawn.” 

Pretty sure my obsession with the bass player on the "The Late, Late Show with James Corden," Hagar Ben-Ari, is not normal. She has this great expression like she is about to launch into a really bad "Scarface" Tony Montana or Bob De Niro impression.  

Tom Brady has published a cookbook where he reveals his diet is 90% organic vegetables, no sugar, no fat, no flour, no caffeine, no gluten. It’s titled “Maybe My Life Isn’t That Great.” 

Tom Brady’s $200 cook book has sold out. No wonder. Here are some of the recipes:

Rob Gronkowski’s Red Bull and Vodka marinated Chicken Wings.

Coach Bill Belichick’s  Personality Platter: Soybean Meatless Meat Loaf Smothered in Mayonnaise. 

Giselle Bundchin’s Super Model Binge: A half a grape on a Triscuit. 

Tom Brady’s "Tribute to NFL executives" sandwich: Turkey with jack and asiago cheese. It's called the Jack-Ass Turkey Club.

Sharon Osbourne returned to “The Talk” and confirmed her marriage was splitting up because Ozzie had an affair.  This just in: a woman wanted to have sex with Ozzie Osbourne. 

It took a Florida man two days to realize he had shot himself in the arm. It takes me two days to whine about a paper cut. 

Budweiser is petitioning to change its name to America. That’s short for: America’s Leading Cause of Cirrhosis. 

A report claims the trending topics on Facebook are editing out conservative political topics. Instead of editing out what they should edit: vegan dinner selfies. 

Former New York Jet, Antonio Cromartie’s wife just had twins bringing his total to 12 children with 8 women. He wanted to thank everyone for the good wishes to his twins, what’s her name and who’s his face. 

This election between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is described as the race of the despised. How despised? Remember the two robbers in “Home Alone”? They were not as despised. 

A Mexican judge ruled drug lord, El Chapo, can be extradited to the US.  Upon hearing this, El Chapo begin figuring out how to make his tunnel trains go in reverse. 

A Japanese artist caused a stir for making a kayak that looks like her vagina. Thus creating a new expression for women’s “me” time: paddling the kayak. 
This just in:

A Japanese artist caused controversy for making a kayak that looks like her vagina. There was an awkward moment when someone saw it and asked, “So who made the Trump kayak? ”

Monday, May 09, 2016

The San Diego Padres, Chicago Cubs game at Wrigley Field was postponed due to rain. Or as the San Diego Padres called the rain, “You know that stuff that’s in the ocean? It was wet like that except coming down in drops from the sky. Gnarly.” 

Here is Shaggy Wally

Here is Fancy Wally, right after his clip
Sometimes you can’t even even when you’re trying to even, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

ESPN has fired Ray Lewis and is reducing the role of Mike Ditka. No truth to the rumor Ditka and Lewis will start their own show, “The Crabby and Stabby Show.” 

“Game of Thrones” spoiler alert. Jon Snow comes back to life. But Khloe will only take him back if he stays sober.

Of the list of the top 1,000 baby names the name Isis has dropped out. And the names Chipotle and Zika aren’t doing so great either. 

“Game of Thrones” spoiler alert. On the last episode, nobody was killed and one main character came back to life. Only 3,732 to go until they’re even. 

“Captain America: Civil War” opened with $678 mil. globally. It has been described as “Superman V. Batman” only without the sucking. 

Last year’s Triple Crown winner, American Pharoah, gets paid $200,000 for sex and he has sex three times a day for $600,000. So, guys, compared to American Pharoah, we are all abject failures. 

Some of the names being considered to replace Michael Strahan on “Live! with Kelly and Michael,” are Neil Patrick Harris, Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen. Once again, straight males are the tragic victims of blatant sexism-based discrimination. It has to stop. 

Since you asked:

From Stunk and White’s “Elements of Style.” In Chapter V, “An Approach To Style,” 14, “Avoid Fancy Words,” in talking about the importance of a good ear winning out over strict adherence to grammar, you can end a sentence with a preposition. 

“A claw hammer, not an ax, is the tool he murdered her with.” This is preferable to “A claw hammer, not an ax, is the tool with which he murdered her.” 

And would you write, “The worst tennis player around here is I,” or “The worst tennis player around here is me?” The first is good grammar. The second is good judgment.

Take that pedantic grammar Nazis. Ear over rules. Good to know. 

Love hearing Dusty Baker whine about the Cubs walking Bryce Harper after being swept. Once again, Baker shows his incredible lack of class. 

Saw the “60 Minutes” piece on doping by Russian Olympic athletes. No doubt the Russians were sleazy drug cheaters and deserve to be banned, but this taints all sports, especially track and field. And the whistleblowers, Vitaly and Yulia Stepanov, were a case of the right message, but the wrong messengers.

The Stepanovs did not decide to step off and grow a conscientious until she was injured and tested positive for steroids and he had been fired from his low-level urine-testing job. (Was he the shaker?) Make no mistake, these two are opportunistic snitches, not heroes. 

The list of celebrities who support Donald Trump reads like a No Fly List of A-holes: Mike Tyson, Jesse James, the Duck Dynasty dicks, Ted Nugent (possibly the biggest a-hole in the world) Dennis Rodman, Mike Ditka, Hulk Hogan, Jesse Ventura, Gary Busey, Sarah Palin. How is OJ Simpson not on this list? How is Caitlyn Jenner not on this list? 

Last year’s Triple Crown winner, American Pharoah, gets paid $200,000 for sex and he has sex three times a day. So the next time someone you know gets cocky, ask them: “Did you have sex three times today? No?  But if you had, would you have made $600,000 doing it? No? Well than I guess a horse just kicked your ass.”


(Voice Over:)

"The only names being considered to replace Michael Strahan on “Live! with Kelly and Michael,” are Neil Patrick Harris, Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen. Once again, straight males in the entertainment world are the tragic victims of blatant sexism-based discrimination. 

It has to stop."

(Cut to: huckster lawyer type like Bob Odenkirk in “Better Call Saul”)

“Guys, are you in the entertainment business and you sing, act, style hair, apply makeup or model, but you just can’t catch a break because you happen to like boobies?”

“Than you too may be a  victim of SMART: Straight Males Alway Rejected Tragically.” 

These days in Hollywood the only jobs given to straight men are going to actors portraying gay men. Why, did you know that Jared Leto, James Franco and Eric Stonestreet are actually straight? That is because the only work they could get were being cast as gay men. Reverse reverse discrimination. 

This discrimination has to stop.

Whether you try to hide your straightness acting somewhere between Neil Patrick Harris all the way over to Johnny Weir, they will trick you into outing yourself by asking about your Fantasy Football team or your love of Eagles music and grilling.

Or they may ask you to dance.

If you suspect you have been the victim of SMART, call this number now: 


Together we can put the pay in not being gay.