Friday, May 13, 2016

Come down on your own and leave your body alone, somebody must change, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A town in Texas is building a $63 mil. high school football stadium. No expense spared. They even have special lockers for the players to hang the math club members from their underwear.

Poor Kylie Jenner is having a rough week. She broke up with Tyga. And from her pictures, it looks like Kylie got her lips stuck in the pool drain. 

Speaker, Paul Ryan, was encouraged by his one-on-one meeting with Donald Trump. But then a little later Ryan said, “Hey. Where’s my wallet?” 

Donald Trump said he has narrowed his runningmate picks to five or six. Five or six depending on if you count Chris Christie as one or two. 

Donald Trump’s son, Eric Trump, said his father was pleased with his meeting with Paul Ryan. Then Eric Trump went back to being a young Pat Riley vampire.

Sharon Osbourne is interviewing divorce lawyers. Ozzie is interviewing lawyers as well, but it is not going well. It is hard to find lawyers who speak Keith Richards English. 

A Florida man accidentally shot himself in the leg while waiting to go into a job interview at a school. As a result he did not get the job which made him hopping mad. 

The world’s oldest person, 116-year-old Susannah Mushatt Jones, died in Brooklyn. Let this be a lesson to kids, always wear your helmet when skateboarding. 

In Japan, an artist made a stir by making a kayak in the image of her vagina. There was an awkward moment when someone asked, “Hey lady, where did you get the Willy Nelson kayak?” 

Donald Trump compared his candidacy to a baseball game. And not just because he wears a batting helmet all the time. 

The Brazil Senate impeached President Dilma Rousseff just three months before the 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. The vote was not close. She got waxed.  

The next X-Men movie one will take place in the ’90’s. The X-Men will try to stop those “Friends” actors from falling into the fountain. 

Since you asked:

Man, I wish I was a reporter at a press conference with Antonio Spurs coach, Gregg Popovich:

“Hey, Pop, I got a question. Do you think you can find the balls to do your damn job and answer the press’s questions like a professional instead of pouting like a little bearded, know-it-all bitch?” 

Was up until 3:00 AM writing jokes last night. They seemed funnier last night than they do today. Apparently rapid eye movement sleep is a comedian’s friend. 

There is no doubt this is due to some bad memory from my single days, but am I the only person who despises this passive aggresive beyatch in the Discover Card commercial?

First of all, don’t be a dizzy trollop and lose your card. Secondly, do not freeze your way-hotter Taylor Swift-like friend to go find it. And why should everyone else have to freeze their good time because you’re an absent-minded little ditz? 

And once you find it, yes, that “You’re back” tool with all the side-to-side head-rolling is a douche, but clearly you let him buy your drinks. How did you even lose your credit card? You obvously did not use it. You had this troll buying your Cosmos all night. But now that you’re done using him and you’re leaving, you think you’re so smart by freezing him. 

(Bet that credit card isn't the only thing about her that is frigid. OK, that may be a little harsh . . . )

You have a Discover Card, woman. It’s a glorified Sears card. Not a Platinum American Express card. Lose the snotty attitude and stop freezing people. You're not Don Cheadle in "House of Lies."

Another in a long line of gems from Strunk and White's "The Elements of Style." Once again, chapter V,  "An Approach To Style," this time #17:

Do Not Inject Opinion

Well, that sucks . . .