Saturday, April 02, 2016

Really do not give a rat's ass about any of the teams left in the NCAA. There aren't even any of the teams I hate like Duke, Georgetown and Connecticut. But North Carolina's Roy Williams has always reminded me of Huckleberry Hound.

▶ Budweiser Super Bowl XLVIII Commercial Puppy Love

If you don't love this commercial, I hate you with the red-hot heat of a thousand suns.

“How does Kim Kardashian post a naked picture and she’s branded a slut, but Amy Schumer and Lena Dunham post a naked picture and they’re heroes? What are we saying? If you’re naked over a size six you’re a hero, under and you’re a slut?” 

- Neal Brennan “The Daily Show.”

Animal House-Cheering up Flounder

One of the hot dogs available from Happy Dog at Cleveland Indians’ Progressive Field, is a hot dog with bacon, mac and cheese and Fruit Loops. I believe it is called the Medical Marijuana Dog.

The Adventure Hornblower cruise boat crashed into a seawall in San Diego. They plan on changing the name from the Adventure Hornblower to Crashy McCrashface.

They found out the culprit of the crash. The Hornblower was being guided in by this guy.

John "Bluto" Blutarsky. "Keep going, keep going, keep going," (Crash) "Good."

Since you asked:

My prediction is Donald Trump is going to fall. And when he falls, he will fall hard and fast. When vindictive egomaniacs are on top, their victims and enemies are terrified of repercussions. When they lose power, their victims and enemies come crawling out of the woodwork. See: Bill Cosby. 

When Trump’s house of cards starts to tumble, it will get ugly. And it will get ugly fast. Banks pulling loans, real estate prices plunging. His brand name value almost vanishing. 

To paraphrase Gertrude Stein's observation of Oakland, like Trump's hair, there's no there there. 

Here is a mind-blowing fact: of all the men born in Russia in 1923, 80% died in WWII. 

Friday, April 01, 2016

When did Francis Bean Cobain turn into the unholy spawn of Kristen Stewart and Marilyn Manson?
 High School guys, prom season is coming up. Time to ask for a date before all the hot teachers are taken.

(The More You Know . . . )

In Wisconsin, a stripper was arrested after biting a man’s crotch during a lap dance. It was a misunderstanding. She thought he ordered the Kris Jenner special.

Although in excruciating pain, the victim was able to comment right before passing out: “Dude, a stripper touched my crotch during a lap dance. Still got it.” 

Donald Trump claims banning Muslims from the US will motivate them to fight ISIS so they can get into the US. This makes as much sense as Bristol Palin having three babies with three fathers so she can be our top abstinence expert. 

Former UFC champ, Jon Jones, has been ordered to attend anger management classes after a road rage incident. Which is like making a competitive eater join Jenny Craig. 

Once again, Tiger Woods is going to miss the Masters due to his back problems. Folks, let this be a lesson to you. Always lift with your legs when picking up a Waffle House waitress. 

Tiger Woods says he will miss the Masters. Instead he plans to enjoy a two-way one hour commute to an office to prepare a TPS report with a cover sheet.

TMZ says Jermaine Jackson said Michael Jackson would vote for Hillary Clinton. Jermaine went on to say, “Welcome to Wal Mart.” 

Since you asked:

After pissing off the entire continent of Australia with her rude and drunken behavior, Madonna, who is embroiled an ugly custody fight for her son, Rocco - who wants to live with his father, Guy Ritchie - Madge is now suing her NYC building over the right to leave her children there without her. 

Is it just me, or is Madonna lacking in interpersonal skills? She is the Donald Trump of over-the-hill pop stars. 

Folks, this is why you want to go to college if possible. (Somehow Trump was absent when they taught this) There you learn that, even if you become wildly successful, treating people like utter crap is not an option. In fact, it completely tarnishes all of the hard work and success. 

Nobody is doubting Madonna works her ass off for her amazing success. That does not change the fact Madonna's legacy will largely be how badly she treats people. 

Madonna abuses people because, growing up poor and being uneducated, she thinks being difficult is what rich stars are supposed to do. That and she is a stone bitch. Trump and Madonna, are proof money cannot buy class.  

There is a picture of a woman in a Google Apps game ad and she is a Kate Middleton-like beautiful brunette with long, brown hair wearing a pork pie hat and Ray Ban aviator sun glasses. That is a wildly cool look. 

It says kind of happening. Kind of wow. Kind of sassy. Kind of now. (Is there anything sadder than older dudes trying to be cool?)

Just watched one of those nauseating actor self-congratulatory circle-fests with the cast of “Batman V. Superman” and it never ceases to amaze me how weird actors are.

(It was fascinating to see the other actors trying to hide their hatred of Jesse Eisenberg) 

How weird are actors? You have a poop-load of actors, in this case Jesse Eisenberg, but including Johnny Depp and Juliane Moore and Javier Bardem, who cannot watch their own movies. 

Are they kidding? 

When I film a GoPro session while SUP surfing, I can barely wait to get home to see it. If I could watch it on the drive home I would. And I am not nearly as good-looking as these folks. Then I see it over and over again. Then I edit it. One thing that doesn’t happen? I never get tired of seeing myself. No matter how old and bloated I look.  

Can you imagine a painter that can’t look at his painting, or a musician who won’t listen to his song? 

Actors are freaking weird. Period.

Donald Trump said Muslims banned from the US are more likely to fight ISIS so they can get back in the US. Even that thing on Trump’s head is making the finger-circle cuckoo gesture. 

Chipotle announced they’re going to open a burger chain called Better Burger. Much better name than their first idea: The Dysentery Depot. 

Much better name than their first idea: Diarrhea R Us. 

A Russian billionaire’s son’s wedding cost a billion dollars. How bad would you feel at that reception dropping off your gift of steak knives? 

It was a wild reception. “Folks, don’t forget to take your pet baby giraffe, your Picasso sketch and your Faberge egg with you.”

In, CA., Santa Barbara police arrested bank robber, Holden Matthew Weddington. The biggest crime in Santa Barbara this year before this was when some gnarly dude harshed a surfer’s righteous stoke. 

In Wisconsin, a stripper was arrested after biting a man’s crotch during a lap dance. The club owner put his foot down. No more hiring Vegan strippers. They’re too meat-starved. 

Poster children of PCF: Dennis Quaid, Imus, Macauley and the Grinch. 

Here is a fun dirty little secret celebrities and their agents don’t want you to know. I call it Permanent Coke Face, or PCF. Remember when your mom told you not to make an ugly face or it will stick? She was right. 

Now imagine making the expression you make after snorting up something that, I presume, must viciously sting your nose. Now do that 500,000 times from one to four in the morning. 

The all time winner of PCF is a tie between McCauley Caulkin and Don Imus. The nose is pinched, the eyebrow furrowed, lips pursed. Very Grinch-like.

The late Whitney Houston had a bad case of PCF.  Mick Jagger. George W. Bush also has a case of PCF. Charlie Sheen, Mel Gibson, Courtney Love, Lindsay Lohan, Fergie, Dennis Quaid and Glen Campbell. That incredible schmuck, Michael Irvin. They all have that forever-etched look of trying to imitate a rat snorting Drano. 

The wildly under-educated Sean Penn has his Doctorate in Permanent Coke Face. To a lesser degree, so does Madonna. 

One actor I liked on "Rescue Me," Steven Pasquale, when I saw him on a recent "Billions" I almost did not recognize him due what I believe to be his chronic PCF. 

But those are the obvious ones. The ones I find more interesting are the younger celebrities with early onset PCF. These are educated guesses on my part, but I include Amy Schumer, Shailene Woodley, Justin Bieber, Cameron Diaz,  and, dare I say it? 

Jennifer Lawrence. 

Yes, I fear America’s sweety, J-Law, is also America’s tweaky. And I hate to say it - I am glad my daughter does not read this - but I think Miss Tay-Tay McSwizzy likes to snizzy her some blizzy. 

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Chipotle announced they’re going to open a burger chain called “Better Burger.” It promises to put the E. coli in guacamole. 

In, CA., Santa Barbara police have arrested a bank robber, Holden Matthew Weddington. This another shocking example of white on even whiter crime. 

A United Airlines flight to Tokyo had to return to Honolulu after a passenger became unruly and bit a Marine. He was charged with assault, disturbing the peace, and after biting the Marine, United charged him for an in-flight snack. 

Kim Kardashian has posted another naked selfie and Donald Trump has threatened Ted Cruz’s wife. Never thought I would say this, but I long for the classy tabloid exploits of Paris Hilton. 

New York and New Jersey have agreed to rebuild the Port Authority bus terminal for over a billion dollars. The cost includes a moving sidewalk for the prostitutes.

And they will rename the Port Authority something people in New Jersey can actually pronounce. 

Rumor has it, Ted Cruz had affairs with eight women. “I’ll take “What is eight Silkwood Showers,” for 500, Alex.”

Donald Trump’s grandson is going to have bris, a Jewish circumcision ritual. No truth to the rumor Trump plans to have the foreskin made into a pair of gloves. 

A Russian billionaire’s son’s wedding cost a billion dollars. You know what was really amazing? It had a cash bar, a sandwich buffet and they did not validate parking. 

Finally somebody the rest of the world can hate more than us and our Kardashians. 

Pornhub has announced they are going to make porn in 360 degree virtual reality. Although most guys will only make it to 180 degrees. 

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

I was wrong. Kylie Jenner is not turning into Michael Jackson. She is turning into Janet Jackson

Donald Trump said women who get abortions should be punished, then he recanted his statement. He made a sweeping gesture to one side and then flipped over to the other. Just like he combs his hair. 

Ted Cruz had affairs with eight women. Dateless, single men have never felt worse. And neither have eight women. 

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have moved out of Kris Jenner’s house and vehemently deny any divorce rumors. You know what that means? Yeah, they’re getting divorced. 

Apple refused to help the FBI access the San Bernardino terrorist’s iPhone. Now that the FBI has accessed the phone, Apple is demanding they tell them how. Apple is like the girl who turned down a guy’s prom invite and when her best friend tells him yes, she insists he take her instead. 

Yep, you got it. Apple is the fickle bitch in this scenario. 

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

There are many things I do not understand, but among them is why Kylie Jenner is turning into Michael Jackson?

58-year-old comedian, Jon Lovitz, is engaged to 27-year-old actress, Jessica Lowndes. He claims he won her over with his sense of humor. Yeah, that’s it. That’s the ticket. 

The National Arboretum in Washington is asking social media to name their two baby bald eagles. So far the leading contenders are Eagley McEagleface and Damn Daniel. 

Donald Trump dodged a question about how he would deal with ISIS. Trump can’t worry about ISIS. He’s too scared of Megyn Kelly from “Fox News.”

A biography claims Kris Jenner helped her daughter, Kim Kardashian, leak her 2003 sex tape. How Kris was snubbed for 2003 Mother-of-the-year I will never know. 

Kris coined the term combining mom and manager, momager. She just coined a new term: Mimp. 

A Pennsylvania woman was charged with fraud for practicing law for ten years without a law degree or taking the bar exam. They became suspicious when they asked for her credentials and she said she has won three J.D. Powers and Associates Awards.

She lied, she deceived, she falsified information. In short, she is a great lawyer. 

A biography claims Kris Jenner helped her daughter, Kim Kardashian, leak her 2003 sex tape. It also allowed Kim to earn her Girl Scout “Shameless Slut” Merit Badge. 

Geraldo Rivera got dressed as Donald Trump on “Dancing with the Stars” and was kicked off. Rivera’s dancing was OK, but that thing on his head was off-beat. 

Donald Trump’s campaign manager, Corey Lewandowsky, was charged with battery in Florida for grabbing and yanking a reporter. This is serious. Normally in Florida you’re not charged with battery unless you shock someone with a car battery.

In an interview with “Fox News” former QB, Tim Tebow, said he would find running for office intriguing. In fact, Tebow threw his hat into the political ring, but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown. 

Since you asked:

Anyone who thinks Donald Trump can run a country needs to see the ESPN “30 For 30” episode titled “Small Potatoes: Who Killed the USFL?” It shows how singlehandedly Trump destroyed the USFL that, while probably never eclipsing the NFL, could have been a successful spring football league at the revenue level of NHL hockey or MLS soccer.

Trump’s huge publicity-whore ego and his ham-fisted ineptness (ironically due to his tiny hands) and angry litigiousness not only destroyed his team, but the entire league. He forced them to play in the Fall, he forced them to sue the NFL and then he walked away when it failed because of those two idiotic moves. 

Clearly Trump was clumsily and selfishly expecting the NFL to give him a team. The Pope would give Madonna a convent before the NFL would give a tacky sleaze-ball like Trump a team. 

So, for those keeping track, Trump’s business failures include four casinos, a pro football team, a brand of vodka and a line of steaks. Trump failed at selling football, gambling, booze and eating meat to Americans. 

And Trump is leading because he is such a great businessman. 

This is the Mount Rushmore of Great Comedian Talk Show Hosts

Monday, March 28, 2016

Jackson Browne Late For The Sky

To the Saint, the Flash and Cricket.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

In Detroit, an American Airlines flight was cancelled because the pilot was drunk. American then charged the passengers a $100 Drunken Crash Avoidance Fee. 

While giving a speech in Portland, a tiny bird landed on Bernie Sanders’s podium. And I think Bernie is going to give the little guy to Trump. At least he said he wanted to flip Trump the bird. 

Miley Cyrus will replace Gwen Stefani on “The Voice.” I can hear host Carson Daly now; “Hah, Miley, funny, but you’ve done the turn-your chair- around-boob-flashing thing before.” 

While giving a speech in Portland, a tiny bird landed on Bernie Sanders’s podium. That same thing happened to Ted Cruz. It wasn’t as touching. It was a vulture waiting to pick at his carcass. 

A New York doctor accused of ejaculating on an unconscious woman’s face claims he had masturbated in the waiting lounge before and the semen accidentally got on her face. Either way, his reputation as a Doctorate of Philosophy is tarnished. 

Not sure the younger voters understand. They keep walking into the voting area and saying, “I want to get an order of caucus to go. Does the caucus come with hummus?” 

Pentagon confirms second in command at ISIS killed by a US airstrike. Which is a worse job? Second in command of ISIS, second in command of North Korea or first in command of giving Chris Christie a prostate exam? 

El Chapo has gained a lot of weight in prison. He had to order his tunnel built extra wide. 

Concert fans who paid thousands for a meet & greet with Justin Bieber are upset they did not get to meet Justin Bieber. Said people who have met Justin Bieber, “Trust us, you came out ahead.”