Chipotle announced they’re going to open a burger chain called “Better Burger.” It promises to put the E. coli in guacamole. 

In, CA., Santa Barbara police have arrested a bank robber, Holden Matthew Weddington. This another shocking example of white on even whiter crime. 

A United Airlines flight to Tokyo had to return to Honolulu after a passenger became unruly and bit a Marine. He was charged with assault, disturbing the peace, and after biting the Marine, United charged him for an in-flight snack. 

Kim Kardashian has posted another naked selfie and Donald Trump has threatened Ted Cruz’s wife. Never thought I would say this, but I long for the classy tabloid exploits of Paris Hilton. 

New York and New Jersey have agreed to rebuild the Port Authority bus terminal for over a billion dollars. The cost includes a moving sidewalk for the prostitutes.

And they will rename the Port Authority something people in New Jersey can actually pronounce. 

Rumor has it, Ted Cruz had affairs with eight women. “I’ll take “What is eight Silkwood Showers,” for 500, Alex.”

Donald Trump’s grandson is going to have bris, a Jewish circumcision ritual. No truth to the rumor Trump plans to have the foreskin made into a pair of gloves. 

A Russian billionaire’s son’s wedding cost a billion dollars. You know what was really amazing? It had a cash bar, a sandwich buffet and they did not validate parking. 

Finally somebody the rest of the world can hate more than us and our Kardashians. 

Pornhub has announced they are going to make porn in 360 degree virtual reality. Although most guys will only make it to 180 degrees.