In Detroit, an American Airlines flight was cancelled because the pilot was drunk. American then charged the passengers a $100 Drunken Crash Avoidance Fee. 

While giving a speech in Portland, a tiny bird landed on Bernie Sanders’s podium. And I think Bernie is going to give the little guy to Trump. At least he said he wanted to flip Trump the bird. 

Miley Cyrus will replace Gwen Stefani on “The Voice.” I can hear host Carson Daly now; “Hah, Miley, funny, but you’ve done the turn-your chair- around-boob-flashing thing before.” 

While giving a speech in Portland, a tiny bird landed on Bernie Sanders’s podium. That same thing happened to Ted Cruz. It wasn’t as touching. It was a vulture waiting to pick at his carcass. 

A New York doctor accused of ejaculating on an unconscious woman’s face claims he had masturbated in the waiting lounge before and the semen accidentally got on her face. Either way, his reputation as a Doctorate of Philosophy is tarnished. 

Not sure the younger voters understand. They keep walking into the voting area and saying, “I want to get an order of caucus to go. Does the caucus come with hummus?” 

Pentagon confirms second in command at ISIS killed by a US airstrike. Which is a worse job? Second in command of ISIS, second in command of North Korea or first in command of giving Chris Christie a prostate exam? 

El Chapo has gained a lot of weight in prison. He had to order his tunnel built extra wide. 

Concert fans who paid thousands for a meet & greet with Justin Bieber are upset they did not get to meet Justin Bieber. Said people who have met Justin Bieber, “Trust us, you came out ahead.”