Friday, April 01, 2016

Donald Trump said Muslims banned from the US are more likely to fight ISIS so they can get back in the US. Even that thing on Trump’s head is making the finger-circle cuckoo gesture. 

Chipotle announced they’re going to open a burger chain called Better Burger. Much better name than their first idea: The Dysentery Depot. 

Much better name than their first idea: Diarrhea R Us. 

A Russian billionaire’s son’s wedding cost a billion dollars. How bad would you feel at that reception dropping off your gift of steak knives? 

It was a wild reception. “Folks, don’t forget to take your pet baby giraffe, your Picasso sketch and your Faberge egg with you.”

In, CA., Santa Barbara police arrested bank robber, Holden Matthew Weddington. The biggest crime in Santa Barbara this year before this was when some gnarly dude harshed a surfer’s righteous stoke. 

In Wisconsin, a stripper was arrested after biting a man’s crotch during a lap dance. The club owner put his foot down. No more hiring Vegan strippers. They’re too meat-starved. 

Poster children of PCF: Dennis Quaid, Imus, Macauley and the Grinch. 

Here is a fun dirty little secret celebrities and their agents don’t want you to know. I call it Permanent Coke Face, or PCF. Remember when your mom told you not to make an ugly face or it will stick? She was right. 

Now imagine making the expression you make after snorting up something that, I presume, must viciously sting your nose. Now do that 500,000 times from one to four in the morning. 

The all time winner of PCF is a tie between McCauley Caulkin and Don Imus. The nose is pinched, the eyebrow furrowed, lips pursed. Very Grinch-like.

The late Whitney Houston had a bad case of PCF.  Mick Jagger. George W. Bush also has a case of PCF. Charlie Sheen, Mel Gibson, Courtney Love, Lindsay Lohan, Fergie, Dennis Quaid and Glen Campbell. That incredible schmuck, Michael Irvin. They all have that forever-etched look of trying to imitate a rat snorting Drano. 

The wildly under-educated Sean Penn has his Doctorate in Permanent Coke Face. To a lesser degree, so does Madonna. 

One actor I liked on "Rescue Me," Steven Pasquale, when I saw him on a recent "Billions" I almost did not recognize him due what I believe to be his chronic PCF. 

But those are the obvious ones. The ones I find more interesting are the younger celebrities with early onset PCF. These are educated guesses on my part, but I include Amy Schumer, Shailene Woodley, Justin Bieber, Cameron Diaz,  and, dare I say it? 

Jennifer Lawrence. 

Yes, I fear America’s sweety, J-Law, is also America’s tweaky. And I hate to say it - I am glad my daughter does not read this - but I think Miss Tay-Tay McSwizzy likes to snizzy her some blizzy.