Friday, January 08, 2016

Justin Bieber kicked out of a Mexican ruin for taking a no-pants selfie. Sorry guy who stole an e-cigarette and got away on a hover-board, this is now the doucheiest crime of the year.

A study claims drinking red wine increases your test scores. Especially if you are taking a test on how to have sex with an unattractive person. 

HBO is going to make a movie of their series “Deadwood.” But first they will have to borrow a bucket of F-words from Quinten Tarantino. 

In Alaska, girlfriends of a 14-year-old girl invited her for a sleepover, brutally beat her and posted a video of the beating on YouTube. Police have not arrested the girls, but they do plan to extradite them to Florida. 

El Chapo is arrested. Well it is about time they arrested that lousy tipper, Tiger Woods. Oh, sorry, I thought it read they arrested El Cheapo.  

A man was arrested for planning to kidnap President Obama’s dog, Bo. I’m sorry, but this time Donald Trump has gone too far.

A study claims watching porn makes you less motivated. In a related story, Bill Clinton just did not feel like campaigning for Hillary today.

The Mexican drug lord who tunneled out of prison, El Chapo, has been re-captured. And this time they even took away his shovel. 

The Mexican drug lord who tunneled out of prison, El Chapo, has been re-captured. This guy is despised by the Mexican authorities. Why? His name El Chapo is Spanish for “The Donald.”

A study claims watching porn makes you less motivated. The study goes on to claim something else I will read after I take a nap.

The Mexican drug lord who tunneled out of prison, El Chapo, has been captured again. And this time the Mexican authorities won’t believe the construction crew outside the prison that claims it is installing a Jacuzzi. 

Justin Bieber was kicked out of Mexican ruins for dropping his pants. Justin is lucky he was not tossed in prison. He could have been the chap for El Chapo.

Since you asked:

Not sure why Don Henley won’t fess up to this, but I know what “Hotel California” is written about. (Excuse my preposition) 

It was a classic “Twilight Zone” show. 

A traveling salesman grows weary on a California desert highway and decides to check into an old, quant Hotel in a tiny desert town.

When he pulls into the town he sees a big banner over the street that says;

“Barbecue Tonight at the Hotel.”

Everybody he sees in town is delighted to see him to the point of being creepy about it. They all have almost scary smiles plastered on their face. He enquires about the barbecue and they assure him it is tonight and it will be great.  

When he goes into his room he is shocked to see the room is a bare, cement cell. The door slams and locks behind him. The room starts getting hotter and hotter. 

When he looks out the door window of his room into the hall, he sees all the town ghouls smiling at him holding knives and forks with napkins tied around their necks. 

That is when he realizes he is what is being barbecued for the big barbecue. 

Thursday, January 07, 2016

The good news is UFC's Ronda Rousey will appear in “Sports Illustrated” swimsuit edition in nothing but body paint. The bad news? She knocked out four painters in the process. 

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have fired their coach, Lovie Smith. Instead of Lovie Smith they call him “Still Friends” Smith. 

There was a tornado in San Diego. But the good news for animal rights fans is the Orca whales in “SeaWorld” are back in the ocean. 

It was so windy, it actually blew a healthy offensive lineman into the Charger’s practice facility. 

A study claims the more porn a man watches the less motivation he has. Yeah, fine, whatevs. Nap time. 

A CDC study claims bisexuality is on the rise. In fact, bisexuality in increasing so much, Justin Bieber may stop being a lesbian. 

Kourtney Kardashian wants Justin Bieber to apologize on radio for his insulting comments about being used for sex by her. It was awkward when Kourtney asked Bieber for a Mea Culpa and Justin said he doesn’t cook Italian food. 

The government of Iraq has offered to mediate between Saudi Arabia and Iran. In a related story, a kick in the ass has offered to mediate between a punch in the nose and a knee to the nuts. 

Los Angeles is getting a lot of rain. It rained so much, Justin Bieber had to take a rowboat to the Motel 6 to have sex with Kourtney Kardashian. 

Melania Trump said she was attracted to Donald Trump by his energy. In other words, Trump offered to pay her Slovenian family’s electric bill. 

Twitter is testing a feature that would allow posts of 10,000 characters instead of just 140. In a related story, I am going to Twitter-block my drunk Aunt Trudy.

Since you asked:

And here is another dirty secret the world of classic rock does not want you to know: many of our top rock stars are “Star Wars” level full-blown nerds. 

Sure, all of the pseudo-intellectual bands are comprised of world-class dorks, like “Steely Dan” and “Boston.” But one of the icons of cool of rock, Led Zeppelin guitarist, Jimmy Page, is an utter electronic techno-nerd. 

The documentary “This Might Get Loud” about supposed cool rock guitarists, Jimmy Page, the Edge and Jack White, reveals all three are techno-sound dweebs. They just happen to play a cooler-than-hell instrument. 

Lesbian-impregnating rock icon, David Crosby, if not for a guitar and great pipes, would be busy organizing and starring in Renaissance Fairs. The guy wore a cape by choice. Simon and Garfunkel wrote the ultimate ode to Renaissance Fairs, “Scarboro Fair.” 

The always eloquent Don Henley, in his lengthy “Rock and Roll Hall of Fame” speech - after a rambling tirade about the dubious nature of fame - admitted that almost all rock stars were desperately lonely small, skinny high school losers who only wanted to fit in, let alone dream of stealing the hot cheerleader girls from, cough, us football stars.

In “Almost Famous” the late and great Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s character, uber-dork rock critic, Lester Bangs, had a great phone confession to Cameron Crowe’s pseudonym, William Miller, revealing that all the great art comes from uncool losers with broken hearts. 

In the end, aren’t we all just uncool losers with broken hearts? Maybe that is why we love rock music so much. 

Show me someone who hasn’t had their heart broken and I will show you someone who has not lived.

For a little guy who threw off the ‘hood for Beverly Hills faster than you can say, “Your NWA royalty check cleared,” Ice Cube sure does work the “Imma eff you up” ‘tude

There is a new level a-hole in California.  People warm and dry in their cars who do not yield to pedestrians making them wait for them in the rain to drive by. 

Wednesday, January 06, 2016

At this point in time, our agenda is to find a narrative that is what it is and expresses ourselves as people as well as human beings, from here going forward, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

They made a speaker than can be inserted in the vagina of a pregnant woman so the unborn baby can hear music. And just like that, the list of things that can be inserted into a vagina, besides a male “Star Wars” fan, has increased by one. 

Russia will get Netflix. Now, I don't want to say Russia is backwards, but in Russia, "Making a Murderer" is titled "Downton Abbey."

Wah-Wah - Eric Clapton & Band [Concert for George; Royal Albert Hall; 20...

Tuesday, January 05, 2016

A speaker has been made that pregnant women can insert in their vagina so their unborn baby can hear music. But don’t turn it up too loud or the a-hole next door complains.

A speaker is designed for pregnant women to insert in their vagina so their unborn baby can hear music. The classic rock songs have changed. Clapton’s “Layla” is “Labia.” John Mayal’s “Room to Move” is “Womb to Move.” And George Harrison’s “Wah-Wah” is “Hoo Hah.”

The good news is, after a long drought, California is experiencing the rainy El Nino. The bad news? Donald Trump is going to deport him.

Los Angeles had so much flooding, it actually washed a someone into the "Martin O'Malley for President" campaign headquarters. 

“TMZ” discovered the convicted murderer in “Making a Murder,” Steven Avery, has filed to accuse his two brothers, Charles and Earl, of the murder due to their extensive record of inter-family sexual assault.  Folks, if you hurry, there is still time to buy tickets for the lovely Avery Family Reunion.

You be cool, but you will never be "Clint Eastwood riding a skateboard in Rome" cool, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“Fox News” host, Andrea Tantaros, suggested President Obama hid raw onions to make him cry at his emotional press conference over the children killed by guns at Sandy Hook. No word on if Tantaros hid a jagged stick up her butt to make her such a bitch.

One of my favorite stories of 2015 was Guy Fieri and his hairdresser getting in a fist fight. Not helping the hairdresser’s case? Guy Fieri’s hair. 

There is a dating site just for white people. It’s called: Tinder for Racists. Instead of swiping left, you give the screen a Nazi “Heil” salute. 

It is raining in Los Angeles. It rained so hard it actually washed someone into a movie theater showing “The Revenant.” 

A study shows a moderate consumption of red wine leads to higher test scores. In a related story, on “Today” hosts Hoda and Kathy Lee just explained the existence of the universe.”

Congress passed a law that meat producers do not have to prove where their meat is from. In a related story, McDonalds just announced all their hamburgers are made from Kobe beef. 

A gang of New York strippers is accused of drugging their customers and stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars from them. Although this doesn’t sound like the hard-working medical student strippers I know. Isn't that right, Dr. Chardonnay? 

(“Making a Murderer” spoiler alerts) 

Saw “Making A Murderer.” It is one of those documentaries that provokes reactions that say more about the reactor than the documentary. Nobody in this documentary gets off clean. Including the filmmakers. The female- gym- teacher- impersonating prosecutor, Ken Kratz, was a sleaze-bag who sexted a domestic abuse victim. 

But now the credibility-blown Kratz is saying the filmmakers left out key evidence, ala Michael Moore, that did not support their obvious opinion: Avery was framed by the cops.  

My problem with conspiracy theories is the accusers can either accuse the conspirators of being immoral, sleazy, stupid and inept or capable of pulling off a brilliant set-up. 

It doesn't work both ways. 

For example, the filmmakers left out the minor detail that Avery bragged about wanting to have sex with the murder victim photographer, Halbach. Avery screened his caller ID because Teresa was afraid of him and would not take his calls. Avery had his sister call her to get her to make the appointment come to his house to take pictures of a van because she would not take pictures for Avery. Teresa was terrified of Steven Avery. 

Kind of important evidence, donchyahknow?

Did Steven Avery get railroaded and sent away for 18 years for a rape he did not commit? Yes. Was it unjust? Yes. Was it unfair? Yes. Did the judge prosecution and police all make horrible mistakes in both of his trials? Yes. Is it fair to judge someone based on how highly unlikable they and their family are? No.

But the guy, Steven Avery, raped, tortured and murdered a young woman, Teresa Halbach. It is sort of the opposite of “Jagged Edge.” The evidence is so clear, like with OJ Simpson, if Avery did not murder and burn that poor woman, than she is alive and hiding someplace. 

The best guilty pleasure in “MAM” are the troll parents of super troll, Steven Avery, Allen and Delores Avery. Delores looks like Yoda after a ten-year meth binge. It is so fun to imitate how they “Fargo” talk on steroids:

“Whoa, dere. Day trew (threw) my boy in dah hoosegow donchyaknow, an’ he ain’t don’ nuttin'".

And let us not forget the entire Avery family were strongly rumored practitioners of incest. 

Apparently the parent-of-the-year mother candidate, Delores, used to chain Steven naked on the porch when he was a child. Like I said, nobody gets off clean in this thing. 

The only people who come off looking good at all are the poor murder victim, Teresa Halbach, and her family and Avery's attorney, Dean Stang. (And then, out of nowhere, the school bus driver is a stone babe) Avery's other attorney, Jerry Buting, comes off as an oily, smug, scumbag. 

You name a failing of a human being and Steven Avery and the entire Avery family has it in spades: ugly, stupid, mean, fat, incestuous, inbred, drunk, drug-addled, tacky, sadistic, horny, immoral, dirty, smelly, sloppy, ugly. (Yes, I said ugly twice) 

Does that make Avery guilty? No. The fact that Teresa Halbach was raped, tortured, murdered and burned makes Avery guilty. 

If you believe Steven Avery deserves another trial, then get off of this blog. The guy threw the family cat on the fire for fun. And that is just one of ten or so unspeakable things he has done. 

In the end, the world is a far better place with Steven Avery in prison. 

P.S. Growing up North of Chicago, I am fluent in Cheesehead Speak. For example: "Gosh, my extremities are cold" is translated to:

"Ahh, jeeze, my toes, nose 'n hose is just about froze dere."

Four Stages of a San Diego Rainstorm:

1, Torrential downpour. 

2, Hundreds and hundreds of accidents on freeways and streets.

3, Houses sliding down hills with mudslides.

4, Newscasters explaining why this will have no effect on the drought.

Monday, January 04, 2016

Three of Dr Ben Carson’s top advisors quit the campaign. To give you an idea how serious this is, at Ben Carson’s last staff meeting Carson actually appeared awake.

“Star Wars: The Force Awakens” is about to pass “Titanic” in sales. Not to give away any spoilers, but my favorite part of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” is when Celine Dion passionately sings “Your Wookie Will Go on.”

“TMZ” reports “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” Mama June got a lap dance from a little person, Little Sassie Cassie, at a Nashville strip club. And that is this week’s story my Aunt Doris will not understand. 

Since you asked:

There is a scene from a documentary made about the 1992 Bill Clinton presidential campaign that really summed up the entire Clinton gang for me. 

(To be politically correct here (read: cowardly) this is a condemnation of neither liberals nor democrats. This is about the Clintons which I consider a different breed)

At the time, the presidential campaign was really rolling and it was looking like Bill Clinton - primarily thanks to Ross Perot -  was going to win. 

The camera focuses on two of the masterminds of the Clinton campaign, James Carville (the King of snakes) and George Stephanopoulos, walking and talking down a busy city street. Probably Washington. Maybe New York. Boston. It doesn't matter. 

What made it so memorable was not the street, it was the world-class level of self-congratulating and log-rolling they were giving each other. It was a next level mutual jirkle-serk. Like witnessing a horrible accident, it was tough to watch, but it was even tougher to look away. 

“No, you, as hard as it is for me to admit, you are even more of a genius than me.”

“Don’t be silly, yes, I am a genius, true enough, but you are even more of a genius.” 

They finally decided to agree that their wildly talented gifts were tantamount to an act of god because, through their combined genius, Bill Clinton will be allowed to finally help the little guy. (Stephanopoulos calling anyone a little guy is memorable enough)  

It was the little guy, the common man, the down-trodden, they both agreed, who was at long lost going to benefit the most from their, Carville and George S’s, collective brilliance. 

Just then, they both open the door to a bar, walk in and slam the door in the face of some poor schmuck in back of them.

Sunday, January 03, 2016

Stanky Cornbottum, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I can't believe it is 2016. Steve Harvey is still writing "Miss Columbia" on his checks.

“Star Wars: The Force Awakens” is about to pass “Titanic” in sales. Not to give away any spoilers, but my favorite part of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” is when Celine Dion passionately sings “Your Wookie Will Go on.”

In the Rose Bowl against Iowa, Stanford’s Christian McCaffrey amassed 368 yards. Nobody from Stanford has moved that fast since Tiger Woods at last call at Hooters.