Tuesday, January 05, 2016

You be cool, but you will never be "Clint Eastwood riding a skateboard in Rome" cool, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“Fox News” host, Andrea Tantaros, suggested President Obama hid raw onions to make him cry at his emotional press conference over the children killed by guns at Sandy Hook. No word on if Tantaros hid a jagged stick up her butt to make her such a bitch.

One of my favorite stories of 2015 was Guy Fieri and his hairdresser getting in a fist fight. Not helping the hairdresser’s case? Guy Fieri’s hair. 

There is a dating site just for white people. It’s called: Tinder for Racists. Instead of swiping left, you give the screen a Nazi “Heil” salute. 

It is raining in Los Angeles. It rained so hard it actually washed someone into a movie theater showing “The Revenant.” 

A study shows a moderate consumption of red wine leads to higher test scores. In a related story, on “Today” hosts Hoda and Kathy Lee just explained the existence of the universe.”

Congress passed a law that meat producers do not have to prove where their meat is from. In a related story, McDonalds just announced all their hamburgers are made from Kobe beef. 

A gang of New York strippers is accused of drugging their customers and stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars from them. Although this doesn’t sound like the hard-working medical student strippers I know. Isn't that right, Dr. Chardonnay? 

(“Making a Murderer” spoiler alerts) 

Saw “Making A Murderer.” It is one of those documentaries that provokes reactions that say more about the reactor than the documentary. Nobody in this documentary gets off clean. Including the filmmakers. The female- gym- teacher- impersonating prosecutor, Ken Kratz, was a sleaze-bag who sexted a domestic abuse victim. 

But now the credibility-blown Kratz is saying the filmmakers left out key evidence, ala Michael Moore, that did not support their obvious opinion: Avery was framed by the cops.  

My problem with conspiracy theories is the accusers can either accuse the conspirators of being immoral, sleazy, stupid and inept or capable of pulling off a brilliant set-up. 

It doesn't work both ways. 

For example, the filmmakers left out the minor detail that Avery bragged about wanting to have sex with the murder victim photographer, Halbach. Avery screened his caller ID because Teresa was afraid of him and would not take his calls. Avery had his sister call her to get her to make the appointment come to his house to take pictures of a van because she would not take pictures for Avery. Teresa was terrified of Steven Avery. 

Kind of important evidence, donchyahknow?

Did Steven Avery get railroaded and sent away for 18 years for a rape he did not commit? Yes. Was it unjust? Yes. Was it unfair? Yes. Did the judge prosecution and police all make horrible mistakes in both of his trials? Yes. Is it fair to judge someone based on how highly unlikable they and their family are? No.

But the guy, Steven Avery, raped, tortured and murdered a young woman, Teresa Halbach. It is sort of the opposite of “Jagged Edge.” The evidence is so clear, like with OJ Simpson, if Avery did not murder and burn that poor woman, than she is alive and hiding someplace. 

The best guilty pleasure in “MAM” are the troll parents of super troll, Steven Avery, Allen and Delores Avery. Delores looks like Yoda after a ten-year meth binge. It is so fun to imitate how they “Fargo” talk on steroids:

“Whoa, dere. Day trew (threw) my boy in dah hoosegow donchyaknow, an’ he ain’t don’ nuttin'".

And let us not forget the entire Avery family were strongly rumored practitioners of incest. 

Apparently the parent-of-the-year mother candidate, Delores, used to chain Steven naked on the porch when he was a child. Like I said, nobody gets off clean in this thing. 

The only people who come off looking good at all are the poor murder victim, Teresa Halbach, and her family and Avery's attorney, Dean Stang. (And then, out of nowhere, the school bus driver is a stone babe) Avery's other attorney, Jerry Buting, comes off as an oily, smug, scumbag. 

You name a failing of a human being and Steven Avery and the entire Avery family has it in spades: ugly, stupid, mean, fat, incestuous, inbred, drunk, drug-addled, tacky, sadistic, horny, immoral, dirty, smelly, sloppy, ugly. (Yes, I said ugly twice) 

Does that make Avery guilty? No. The fact that Teresa Halbach was raped, tortured, murdered and burned makes Avery guilty. 

If you believe Steven Avery deserves another trial, then get off of this blog. The guy threw the family cat on the fire for fun. And that is just one of ten or so unspeakable things he has done. 

In the end, the world is a far better place with Steven Avery in prison. 

P.S. Growing up North of Chicago, I am fluent in Cheesehead Speak. For example: "Gosh, my extremities are cold" is translated to:

"Ahh, jeeze, my toes, nose 'n hose is just about froze dere."

Four Stages of a San Diego Rainstorm:

1, Torrential downpour. 

2, Hundreds and hundreds of accidents on freeways and streets.

3, Houses sliding down hills with mudslides.

4, Newscasters explaining why this will have no effect on the drought.