Saturday, December 05, 2015

Some of the comments were "It really captures his whatever." "Which one is which?" And "Mommy, the scary man makes me cry."

Dick Cheney’s marble bust was unveiled in the Capital. Not everyone likes it. Critics say it is a weapon of crass reconstruction. 

There was an awkward moment when someone asked; “Why did they make a statue of the Penguin from Batman?” 

Friday, December 04, 2015

In St. Louis, a 19-year-old named Bud Weisser was arrested for trespassing in the Budweiser brewery. And you don’t want to know where they found a guy named Max E. Pad . 

British actress, Dawn French, said her beauty secret is a jar of Nivea cream applied with a muslin cloth. Upon hearing this, Ben Affleck was furious she always targeted a muslin cloth. What is wrong with gauze or linen? Why pick on the muslin? 

Since you asked:

Anyone who does not understand Donald Trump’s continued top position in the polls has horribly underestimated how sick and tired people are of political correctness. For better or for worse, Trump has tapped into that vein and he is sucking like a fat kid on a milkshake.

For comedians, political correctness is serious boner-killer. However, the last comedian who spoke out against political correctness, Jerry Seinfeld, was vilified in the press as a racist, a sexist, a fascist and any other “ist" you can think to throw on the back of something. Some wanted to call him anti-Semitic, but then they remembered he is Jewish. 

How absurdly politically correct have we become? At the Golden Globes, there was serious protests of racist Asian slandering when Margaret Cho impersonated a North Korean guard. And Cho is Korean.  

Let me reiterate that: a Korean imitated a Korean and everyone got a poopy diaper. 

As much as I believe anything that kills freedom of speech, creativity and comedy is awful, whenever I read an editorial praising the elimination of political correctness, it almost invariably starts to slide down a slippery slope of anger, bigotry and hatred.  

But somehow Donald Trump’s keeps steering his boat through that P.C. minefield like a nautical Mister Magoo. Bigotry? Sexism? Hatred? Taunting a physically disabled reporter? Trump’s boat just keeps going faster and faster with more followers jumping in. You have to believe he will blow up someday, but it hasn’t happened yet.

You want proof of how political correctness works? 

Grab a cameraman and a microphone and rush up to the average Joe on the street, stick the microphone in his face and say; 

“Water boarding terrorist prisoners at Gitmo. You find it repugnant, right?” 

Average Joe will cough, clear his throat, look down at his shoes, stuff his hands deep into his pockets, suddenly remember he is on camera and then say;

“Oh yes, absolutely.” 

But when Trump came out in favor of water boarding after the Paris attacks, you could almost see people giving themselves - and Trump  - mental high fives. His poll numbers shot up.

Eventually Trump's boat will hit a mine. And when he does, one of the real candidates will have to gently pick up the Not-P.C mantle. 

One of the other viable candidates for presidents - which Trump is not -  will have to learn to navigate around the waters of political correctness. That course will have to be charted carefully aiming for the still waters of common sense and candor instead of the choppy seas of insensitivity and Trump-like bullying and downright meanness.  

And that will not be easy.

How about that crazy Hail Mary touchdown for the Green Bay Packers against the Detroit Lions? Roughest loss for a Lion not named Cecil. 

After they had their baby girl, Max, Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg, pledged to donate his 45 billion fortune. Now that is not the case. Zuckerberg just found out how much diapers cost. 

The performed “The Wiz” live last night on NBC. Which is wild, because I have named Coldplay’s Super Bowl halftime show “Taking the Wiz.” 

In New York, they lit the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Plaza. You know who loves it when they light that tree? All the rats living in it. It makes it feel like a festive rat disco. 

In New York, Federal authorities seized 274 pairs of shoes made from endangered species. The shoes were made from white tiger fur, mountain gorilla skin and Caitlyn Jenner’s scrotum.

The Dick Cheney bust was unveiled at the Capital with Dick Cheney on hand. One was a cold, stony, lifeless figure, the other was a statue.

The Big Ten gave out its football awards and Michigan’s Jake Butt won best Tight End. Best wide receiver went to Northwestern’s cheerleader, Stephan Derriere. 

After they had their baby girl, Max, Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg, pledged to donate his 45 billion fortune. Turns out he is just putting it in a Limited Liability Company. Zuckerberg did set a new world record for the most shameless Facebook brag. 

Since you asked:

Wildest week of football games ever. No lie, these were the only four games I watched.

Started on Saturday with that great Stanford win over Notre Dame. 

Sunday had the Broncos overtime win against the Patriots. Monday’s game I was sure was going to be clinker, but the Ravens beat the Browns on a blocked kick. And then last night’s Aaron Rodger’s zero-time-left nearly 70-yard long, 30- yard-high toss to beat the Lions.

Tuned in the “Tonight Show” interview of the new female “Star Wars” lead actress, Daisy Ridley. Held my breath in fear she would be anything like Kristen Stewart. Turns out Daisy is the anti-Kristen Stewart. Appreciative of winning the movie star lottery, friendly, open, funny, non-actor-y. And a good actress. 

Saw the NFL Network “Favre Returns.” Did not realize what a jerk Favre had been to the Packers and especially Aaron Rodgers. Good for them for being way classier than Favre was at the time. Hey, feelings and huge egos got hurt. It was messy.  

Don't get me wrong. I'm a big Favre fan. 

Will never forget how swept up we were by that amazing MNF game against the Raiders right after Brett's father died. We watched while I grilled burgers. My daughter was five and deeply concerned with death. So when Al Michaels brought up how sad it was Brett’s father died so close to Christmas, I cringed. 

And then Ann Caroline said;

“Daddy, are the angels going to make sure Brett's dad gets his Christmas presents in heaven?” 
In New York, they lit the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Plaza. You know who loves it when they light that tree? All the rats living in it. It makes it feel like a festive rat disco. 

In New York, Federal authorities seized 274 pairs of shoes made from endangered species. The shoes were made from white tiger fur, mountain gorilla skin and Caitlyn Jenner’s scrotum.

Kim Kardashian is complaining of a really rough time with her pregnancy. Kim says she is bloated, swollen and uncomfortable. Or as women call that: pregnant. 

Coldplay will perform at halftime of the Super Bowl. Or as I call Coldplay’s Super Bowl halftime performance: getting another beer and taking a leak. 

We took an office poll, and Coldplay finished behind Adele, Taylor Swift and Prince, but slightly ahead of a performance review.

Thursday, December 03, 2015

This just in:

Coldplay will perform at Super Bowl Halftime.

Just how much bad news can we get in one news cycle?

You know that urban myth of town's sewer systems blowing up from all the flushing at the Super Bowl halftime? This year it is going to be true.

Donald Trump is going to release his medical records. As I have said before, it will reveal Trump suffers from severe rectal cranial inversion. He has his head up his ass. 

A Connecticut man who lost his testicle during his vasectomy, sued the hospital and was awarded $386,000. Many feel that sum is low. The judge low-balled him. 

Paul Ryan became the first Speaker of the House to have a beard in 90 years. Ryan, however, is the first Speaker of the House to be totally buffed, manscaped and keepin’ it tight, yo. 

After years of being banned, Adolf Hitler’s book, “Mein Kampf” is headed back to German  bookstores. And what could possibly go wrong with that? 

A woman in Atlanta was arrested for twerking on a casket at a funeral. And that is this week’s story my Aunt Patty will not understand. 

Kim Kardashian is complaining of a really rough time with her pregnancy. Sure it is tough, pregnancy is the only time the name Kardashian combines with the word labor. 

It is looking like Los Angeles is going to get an NFL team. Instead of the team that moves to LA keeping their name, like the Rams or Raiders, the new team should have an LA name. Like the Los Angeles Screenwriting Waiters. Or the Los Angeles Hipster Man-Buns. Or the L.A. Prius-Driving Vegans. 

The Philadelphia 76ers beat the Los Angeles Lakers ending the longest losing streak in sports at 28 games. Now the biggest losers in sports are Cleveland Browns season ticket holders. 

Since you asked:

How do you make a liberal cry in four words? "The shooter was Muslim."

How do you make a conservative cry in five words? "He bought the guns legally."

Wednesday, December 02, 2015

Look out, everybody, it's a surfin' dawwwwwg

Nuffin’ worse than when you smoosh the dangler, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The most popular boys name for 2015 was Jackson. The least popular boys name? Jeb Isis Bieber.  

Dr. Ben Carson is now trailing Donald Trump in the polls. This makes Dr. Ben so furious he could almost mumble. 

Dr. Ben Carson is falling in the polls, so now he wants to attract democratic voters. Not sure of his slogan, though: “Come Full Circle With Dr. Urkel.”

People are gossiping about Adele’s handsome body guard. She wrote the song after “Hello” about him. It’s called; “You Up?” 

Amazon is going to ship packages to people using drones. For fun, let’s all buy underwear and ship it to the guys at ISIS. When it gets delivered, they’ll need the clean underwear.

Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka,  admitted she does not always agree with her father. But then she can think of two billion reasons why she does agree with him.

Former head of the KKK, David Duke, is endorsing Donald Trump. To which Trump replied; “I love KKK. Once my limo broke down and Triple K towed it to a mechanic.”

Donald Trump claims to have many Muslim friends. Skeptics would remind Trump that Apu, the 7-Eleven clerk on “The Simpsons,” and “Harold and Kumar” do not count. 

From comedian Torben Rolfsen: “The death of a white rhino at the San Diego Zoo leaves only three remaining in the world. That includes Rob Gronkowski .”

(As a white former football player and comedy writer, I find this Rolfsen joke extremely offensive. It is offensive that I did not think of this awesome joke first. Damn.)

Carrie Fisher was told by the studio to lose 35 pounds to reprise her role of Princess Leah in “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” They’re strict. Hell, Jaba the Hut has to get lap-band surgery.

Since you asked:

Somebody needs to hire a team of the best human scientists and doctors and sociologists and study how Harrison Ford is a handsome leading man in the greatest movie franchise in history, Academy Award nominated, married to a beautiful actress, Calista Flockhart, great pilot who crash lands a plane on a golf course to save lives, dines with Presidents, Kings and Queens, and he is still more boring than an insurance annuity seminar. 

You know what I love about Adele besides she can sing like a mother-effrr? She is a gal. She is a gal’s gal and she is not one bit ashamed. 

It is official, I am pushing for the word Coasty

Coasty is something that is bitchin' or gnarly in a California/coastal way. Grilled fish. Drying off after surfing next to a nice fire at sunset. Taking a nice nap on a cool afternoon.  Glass of Cabernet with oak-grilled try-tip.

The cousin of Coasty is Brisky. 

The research is in. Let's face it, we are fascinated with celebrities. Some people aren't but most people who say they're not are lying.

And one of the main thing we want to know about celebrities is who is nice and who is a dick. 

We find celebrities fascinating because we wonder what we would be like if we were one. We like to think we would be cool, like Bill Murray and George Clooney but there is only one Bill Murray. 

And yes, we hate the era of the Kardashians giving celebrity to utterly useless people but. From what I have read, most of the Kardashians are (gulp) nice to folks. So was/is Paris Hilton. (Where did she go? Did she finally get it that we hated her? Now she doesn't seem so bad at all. Come back, Paris) 

Well, thanks to the internet and Reddit and websites like "Mean Stars" we now know who is nice and who is a dick. And the worst, the hypocrites. 

Let's get the boring stuff over first. The nice. Yes, the two Tom's are the winners. Cruise and Hanks. They are nice to everyone. From bathroom attendants to studio executives. 

Sandra Bullock used to be in this category, but she is known to snap at photographers. But most paparazzi are true a-holes, so it is OK. She gets a pass. Keanu Reeves - although he stinks like Bridgeport at low tide - is also a really nice guy. David Letterman is truly nice and a guy I can vouch for forever, Jay Leno. Jay is a genuinely great guy. In every way. 

Jennifer Lawrence and Olivia Munn get extra points for being nice and gorgeous. Bette Midler I met and she is so sweet. Adam Sandler everyone says is great. Same deal with Matthew McConaughey. He is more than alright, alright, alright. Met Joe Mantegna. Prince of a man. Class all the way. 

And then there are the dicks. Val Kilmer is world class. So is Russell Crowe. Gary Busey. Most of the dicks seem like they'll be dicks. Like David Spade. The three worst dicks ever also suffer from severe short-man's disease: Dustin Hoffman, Sly Stallone and Burt Reynolds. On the taller side, Mike Ditka. Huge dick. 

Wait. Burt Reynolds is not short, you say? He played football at Florida State? That is total p.r. BS. He walked on back when they did not cut people and he played one minute of one game before hurting his knee. He was too short to play. He wears lifts in his cowboy boots. 

Michael Jordan is a dick. So is Peyton Manning's father, Archie Manning. Tiger Woods is world class dick. 

But at least these dicks are honest about being dicks. It is the hypocrites who we truly loath and despise. The ones who act nice on talk shows and interviews, but are true ass-wipes.

It pains me to include Jeremy Piven, John Cusack and Jerry Seinfeld in this list. The first two pain me because they are local boys from Wilmette/Evanston. Piven and Cusack are full blown "Don't look at me. Only talk to my assistant" dicks. Also pains me to include Eagles Glen Frey. But we knew Don Henley was on the list.

Jerry Seinfeld can be nice to fellow celebrities, but he is a world class dick to everyone else. Who would have guessed Larry David would turn out to be the warm fuzzy one? Bruce Willis. Personal experience he was a dick bartender before he was a dick celebrity. 

So is Rachel Ray a dick. Full-blown, hypocrite diva beyatch dick. So are Jennifer Anniston and Katherine Hiegl. Howard Stern. And from my personal experience I can include Bruce Jenner, Sir Ben Kingsley, Barbara Hershey, Montel Williams and Michael Irvin into the hypocrites dick list.

And one more whom I cannot name for obvious legal reasons. 

Tuesday, December 01, 2015

Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg, and his wife, Priscilla, had a baby girl named Max and Zuckerberg promised to give away his fortune. To which baby Max said; “I’ve been born for one damn day and I already hate hipster nerds.” 

Former head of the KKK, David Duke, is endorsing Donald Trump. To which Trump replied; “KKK isn’t by chance the folks that fixes cars, is it?”

Donald Trump claims to have many Muslim friends and they even gave Trump an honorary Muslim name: Ah-Soal Bin Lyin.

Donald Trump claims to have many Muslim friends. When asked to name a Muslim friend, all Trump could come up with was “Yabba Dabba Do.” 

Look For This NFL Play, Because It Will Happen:

The QB throws a ball to the wide receiver for a four-yard catch, but the receiver drops it when he is tackled by the safety. 

The refs call interference on the safety and holding on the receiver when there is neither interference nor holding on the play. 

Both players jump up frantically to argue the call and hit heads. Both are flagged again for helmet-to-helmet contact and have to be taken out of the game for concussion protocol. 

Because of a bad spot, the play is challenged and reviewed for five minutes while the network cuts to a five-minute FanDuel/Geico/Nationwide/DIRECTV/Papa John commercials, all starring someone from the Manning family. 

One of the strangest headlines I’ve seen in a while is the “TMZ” story where, during the filming of “The Revenant,” Fox Studios denies Leonardo DiCaprio was raped by a bear because the bear is female. The bear, however, has retained feminist attorney, Gloria Allred, and is suing DiCaprio for sexual assault. 

Bill Cosby could not be reached for comment. 

Even Charlie Sheen is all: "I've been around, but I have never had to deny being raped by a bear." 

Yesterday was Cyber Monday. That makes today “Why Did I Shop Online Drunk?” Tuesday followed by "They really shipped me this crap" Thursday.

Might have had too much Thanksgiving. Stood on the scale and it said; “Hello, Gov. Christie.”

Justin Bieber cancelled his Thanksgiving Day Parade and other appearances due to alleged “mental strain.” Justin Bieber suffers from mental strain about as much as Chris Christie suffers from malnutrition.

Donald Trump got the OK from Twisted Sister to use “We’re Not Gonna Take It” at his speeches. Meanwhile Dr. Ben Carson is waiting to hear from Gnarls Barkley on “Crazy.”  

There’s no truth to the rumor Hillary Clinton is waiting to hear from the Rolling Stones for “Bitch.” 

The Philadelphia 76ers have lost a record 27 games-in-a-row. They eat it so much they’re changing from the 76ers to the 69ers. 

Monday, November 30, 2015

Kobe Bryant announced he will retire after this season. This is bad news for basketball fans in general, Los Angeles Lakers fans specifically and the downtown Los Angeles diamond district even more specifically. 

"TMZ" shows Khloe Kardashian returning to her gym following a terrible leg staph infection. This is good news for everyone except the members of that gym.

The 3-7 Baltimore Ravens play the 2-8 Cleveland Browns on “MNF.” If the Baltimore Ravens wore their throwback uniforms, they would be the Cleveland Browns. If the Cleveland Browns wore their throwback uniforms, they would be the Cleveland Browns that don’t suck. 

Kobe Bryant announced he will retire after this season. His Los Angeles Lakers teammates had to find out the news via social media. Kobe would not pass the information to them directly.

Kobe Bryant announced he will retire after this season. This is bad news for basketball fans in general, Los Angeles Lakers fans specifically and the downtown Los Angeles diamond district more specifically. 

Kobe's retirement season will be a lot like Derek Jeter's except without the class, sincerity and genuine emotion.