Wednesday, December 02, 2015

Look out, everybody, it's a surfin' dawwwwwg

Nuffin’ worse than when you smoosh the dangler, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The most popular boys name for 2015 was Jackson. The least popular boys name? Jeb Isis Bieber.  

Dr. Ben Carson is now trailing Donald Trump in the polls. This makes Dr. Ben so furious he could almost mumble. 

Dr. Ben Carson is falling in the polls, so now he wants to attract democratic voters. Not sure of his slogan, though: “Come Full Circle With Dr. Urkel.”

People are gossiping about Adele’s handsome body guard. She wrote the song after “Hello” about him. It’s called; “You Up?” 

Amazon is going to ship packages to people using drones. For fun, let’s all buy underwear and ship it to the guys at ISIS. When it gets delivered, they’ll need the clean underwear.

Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka,  admitted she does not always agree with her father. But then she can think of two billion reasons why she does agree with him.

Former head of the KKK, David Duke, is endorsing Donald Trump. To which Trump replied; “I love KKK. Once my limo broke down and Triple K towed it to a mechanic.”

Donald Trump claims to have many Muslim friends. Skeptics would remind Trump that Apu, the 7-Eleven clerk on “The Simpsons,” and “Harold and Kumar” do not count. 

From comedian Torben Rolfsen: “The death of a white rhino at the San Diego Zoo leaves only three remaining in the world. That includes Rob Gronkowski .”

(As a white former football player and comedy writer, I find this Rolfsen joke extremely offensive. It is offensive that I did not think of this awesome joke first. Damn.)

Carrie Fisher was told by the studio to lose 35 pounds to reprise her role of Princess Leah in “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” They’re strict. Hell, Jaba the Hut has to get lap-band surgery.

Since you asked:

Somebody needs to hire a team of the best human scientists and doctors and sociologists and study how Harrison Ford is a handsome leading man in the greatest movie franchise in history, Academy Award nominated, married to a beautiful actress, Calista Flockhart, great pilot who crash lands a plane on a golf course to save lives, dines with Presidents, Kings and Queens, and he is still more boring than an insurance annuity seminar. 

You know what I love about Adele besides she can sing like a mother-effrr? She is a gal. She is a gal’s gal and she is not one bit ashamed. 

It is official, I am pushing for the word Coasty

Coasty is something that is bitchin' or gnarly in a California/coastal way. Grilled fish. Drying off after surfing next to a nice fire at sunset. Taking a nice nap on a cool afternoon.  Glass of Cabernet with oak-grilled try-tip.

The cousin of Coasty is Brisky. 

The research is in. Let's face it, we are fascinated with celebrities. Some people aren't but most people who say they're not are lying.

And one of the main thing we want to know about celebrities is who is nice and who is a dick. 

We find celebrities fascinating because we wonder what we would be like if we were one. We like to think we would be cool, like Bill Murray and George Clooney but there is only one Bill Murray. 

And yes, we hate the era of the Kardashians giving celebrity to utterly useless people but. From what I have read, most of the Kardashians are (gulp) nice to folks. So was/is Paris Hilton. (Where did she go? Did she finally get it that we hated her? Now she doesn't seem so bad at all. Come back, Paris) 

Well, thanks to the internet and Reddit and websites like "Mean Stars" we now know who is nice and who is a dick. And the worst, the hypocrites. 

Let's get the boring stuff over first. The nice. Yes, the two Tom's are the winners. Cruise and Hanks. They are nice to everyone. From bathroom attendants to studio executives. 

Sandra Bullock used to be in this category, but she is known to snap at photographers. But most paparazzi are true a-holes, so it is OK. She gets a pass. Keanu Reeves - although he stinks like Bridgeport at low tide - is also a really nice guy. David Letterman is truly nice and a guy I can vouch for forever, Jay Leno. Jay is a genuinely great guy. In every way. 

Jennifer Lawrence and Olivia Munn get extra points for being nice and gorgeous. Bette Midler I met and she is so sweet. Adam Sandler everyone says is great. Same deal with Matthew McConaughey. He is more than alright, alright, alright. Met Joe Mantegna. Prince of a man. Class all the way. 

And then there are the dicks. Val Kilmer is world class. So is Russell Crowe. Gary Busey. Most of the dicks seem like they'll be dicks. Like David Spade. The three worst dicks ever also suffer from severe short-man's disease: Dustin Hoffman, Sly Stallone and Burt Reynolds. On the taller side, Mike Ditka. Huge dick. 

Wait. Burt Reynolds is not short, you say? He played football at Florida State? That is total p.r. BS. He walked on back when they did not cut people and he played one minute of one game before hurting his knee. He was too short to play. He wears lifts in his cowboy boots. 

Michael Jordan is a dick. So is Peyton Manning's father, Archie Manning. Tiger Woods is world class dick. 

But at least these dicks are honest about being dicks. It is the hypocrites who we truly loath and despise. The ones who act nice on talk shows and interviews, but are true ass-wipes.

It pains me to include Jeremy Piven, John Cusack and Jerry Seinfeld in this list. The first two pain me because they are local boys from Wilmette/Evanston. Piven and Cusack are full blown "Don't look at me. Only talk to my assistant" dicks. Also pains me to include Eagles Glen Frey. But we knew Don Henley was on the list.

Jerry Seinfeld can be nice to fellow celebrities, but he is a world class dick to everyone else. Who would have guessed Larry David would turn out to be the warm fuzzy one? Bruce Willis. Personal experience he was a dick bartender before he was a dick celebrity. 

So is Rachel Ray a dick. Full-blown, hypocrite diva beyatch dick. So are Jennifer Anniston and Katherine Hiegl. Howard Stern. And from my personal experience I can include Bruce Jenner, Sir Ben Kingsley, Barbara Hershey, Montel Williams and Michael Irvin into the hypocrites dick list.

And one more whom I cannot name for obvious legal reasons.