Donald Trump is going to release his medical records. As I have said before, it will reveal Trump suffers from severe rectal cranial inversion. He has his head up his ass. 

A Connecticut man who lost his testicle during his vasectomy, sued the hospital and was awarded $386,000. Many feel that sum is low. The judge low-balled him. 

Paul Ryan became the first Speaker of the House to have a beard in 90 years. Ryan, however, is the first Speaker of the House to be totally buffed, manscaped and keepin’ it tight, yo. 

After years of being banned, Adolf Hitler’s book, “Mein Kampf” is headed back to German  bookstores. And what could possibly go wrong with that? 

A woman in Atlanta was arrested for twerking on a casket at a funeral. And that is this week’s story my Aunt Patty will not understand. 

Kim Kardashian is complaining of a really rough time with her pregnancy. Sure it is tough, pregnancy is the only time the name Kardashian combines with the word labor. 

It is looking like Los Angeles is going to get an NFL team. Instead of the team that moves to LA keeping their name, like the Rams or Raiders, the new team should have an LA name. Like the Los Angeles Screenwriting Waiters. Or the Los Angeles Hipster Man-Buns. Or the L.A. Prius-Driving Vegans. 

The Philadelphia 76ers beat the Los Angeles Lakers ending the longest losing streak in sports at 28 games. Now the biggest losers in sports are Cleveland Browns season ticket holders. 

Since you asked:

How do you make a liberal cry in four words? "The shooter was Muslim."

How do you make a conservative cry in five words? "He bought the guns legally."