Saturday, November 21, 2015

The rumor's true, Taylor Swift broke up with boyfriend, Calvin Harris, over him getting a happy ending Thai massage. At least we know Taylor’s not jerking him around. 

Can someone explain to me why Coolio was coaching the Oregon defense? 
A new Facebook feature helps ease the pain of a break up. It helps filter out posts from recent exes. Unless they get dumped, gain weight or get fired. 

 This tool is called the Taylor Swift-Kick Ex to the Curb. 

Soccer legend, David Beckham is “People” magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. Donald Trump was also in contention. Oh, sorry, no, Trump was in contention for the most Sexist Man Alive.

Since you asked:
The 48-28 Oregon-USC game could be called a barn-burner, but the only barn that was burned was USC’s. 

Oh, USC students: a barn is a large storage facility used by people who work on a farm. And work is what the people in your daddy’s firm do that allows you to party all day at USC. 
Soccer legend, David Beckham is “People” magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. Proud to say I made the list. I am right after Bill Cosby and right before Zach Galifianakis’s beard. 

Donald Trump is backing off of his idea of a Muslim tracking database. He now admits it was a hair-brained scheme. 

Friday, November 20, 2015

A dancer injured in the Boston Marathon, Adrienne Haslet-Davis, said American Airlines lost her luggage with her prosthetic dancing leg. Adrienne is hopping mad.

Haslet-Davis is leaning toward litigating, but American Airlines said she doesn’t have a leg to stand on. 

American Airlines would not predict they would find the leg because they did not want to go out on a limb.

Good news. American Airlines has found the lost prosthetic leg of dancer, Adrienne Halset-Davis. Spirit Airlines would have charged Adrienne a $200 Lost Extremity Location Fee. 

Former UFC champ, Ronda Rousey, has finally spoken after her knock-out loss to Holly Holm. I believe she said; 

“Holy thit doth my faith hurt.” 

At a speech, Donald Trump fat-shamed a heckler and then Trump had the heckler thrown out. All in all, not a great day for Chris Christie.

At a speech in Massachusetts, Donald Trump had a heckler tossed who yelled “Trump’s a racist.” Trump yelled at the heckler; “Melania, I’ve told you not to drink before my speeches.”

Three more states, including California, are reporting E. Coli at Chipotle. So now at Chipotle the guacamole and the Purell are extra. 

Since you asked:

Not sure if they still have it, but the "Los Angeles Times Magazine" used to have a feature called “My Favorite Weekend.” 

They asked rock and or movie star couples, like Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear, what they love to do on a perfect weekend. Lots of antique shopping in San Pedro, homemade bagels with hand-caught salmon, couple hot Bikram yoga and, poetry reading in Venice Beach and brunch at a vegan bistro in Silver Lake. 

A matinee movie of a classic black and white French film at a remodeled movie theater downtown and then coffee at an organic brick-walled coffee shop and then shopping for veggies at an obscure Farmers market with all locally grown and sustainable produce. 

Drink wise? Oh, maybe one grapefruit handmade margarita on Friday night. And, Saturday night, possibly a glass of Cabernet made from grapes grown on the side of a Tuscany volcano made by the barefoot-smashed feet of virgins. Sunday? A virgin Bloody Mary with Brunch. And then a long drive along the beach ending in one craft beer to watch the sunset in Malibu. Just one. They’re driving. 

About a month or two later, one or both check into rehab and then they get an ugly divorce. 

A top aide from Hillary Clinton’s campaign called the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles and demanded they remove their video with all of their Hillary jokes. 

What the hell? What is wrong with my Hillary jokes? You aren’t demanding they come off? 

Oh, we will see about that. It is on now. 

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Reportedly there is a shortage of turkeys this year. Yeah. They’re all running for president. 

A 54-year-old man in China had to go to the hospital after he tried to remove his hemorrhoids with a toy sword. When they asked him to rate his hemorrhoid pain, he said it was somewhere around nine and Justin Bieber’s first day in a Turkish prison. 

40-year-old soccer legend, David Beckham, is “People's” sexiest man alive. Which is pretty impressive to be that sexy without being able to use your hands. 

After a ten-year battle with the NCAA, the University of North Dakota has changed their name from the Fighting Sioux to the Fighting Hawks. The Audubon Society, however, finds the name the Fighting Hawks pugilistic and offensive. 

The Fighting Hawks. Much better mascot than their temporary replacement: the Whining Man-Buns. 

Donald Trump claims he has lost 15 pounds while campaigning. So this just in: Donald Trump has lost three pounds while campaigning.

The adultery website, Ashley Madison, appears to be going out of business. When asked why a business based on cheating on spouses would fail, one financial expert said: Karma. 

Kylie Jenner said she would rather stab herself than live with Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. So look for the latest episode of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” titled: “I will cut a bitch.”

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

A $2,000 VIP ticket to the Justin Bieber show includes a backstage tour, a selfie with Justin and a T-Shirt that says; “Wow, Am I An A-Hole.”

The American Postal Workers Union has endorsed Bernie Sanders. They like Bernie because he is the only candidate who does not yet have an email account.

Even Dr. Ben Carson’s advisors are questioning Carson’s grasp of foreign policies.  For example when Ben said we need the support of our allies in the three countries of the Netherlands, Holland as well as the Dutch.

I’m starting to think Bernie Sanders is a little old. Today Bernie yelled; “You punks get off my lawn. Except for you Syrian refugees.” 

After admitting he is HIV positive, Charlie Sheen faces a lawsuit from Gloria Allred. HIV and Gloria Allred. One is a terrible infectious malady you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy and the other one is HIV. 

A company in Seattle is now making mini fedoras to go on men’s man buns. It’s the perfect Christmas gift for that douche-y guy on your list who just isn’t quite douche-y enough. 

“Zoolander No. 2” is out just in time to be nominated for the “Why The Hell Did They Make That?” awards.

Carly Simon revealed the song “You’re So Vain” is about Warren Beatty. “Wow, that is so exciting,” said the year 1973. 

KFC now offers home delivery. Because that was our biggest problem: getting fried chicken to fat people faster and with no effort on their part.  

Disclaimer: If you do order KFC delivered, there will come a time when you have to get your fat, stoned ass up off the coach to answer the door.


If you drink too much toilet wine in prison, are you flushed the next day?

Life is tough. You learn by experience. For example I know an idiot who will never use the word  “Harder” as my safeword again. As his. As his safeword. Not my. His. 

“The word terrorist should be replaced with the word “Disenfranchised with Anger Issues,” said a guy named Caden while adjusting his man-bun in his Prius. 

“I wonder what my dog has named me,” is a funny thought. It just wasn’t mine.

Have a comedy writing friend who is so liberal all he can think about is how to get Syrian pit bulls into the US. 

Donald Trump’s popularity is due to pandering to our lowest instincts of fear and hate. Unfortunately so is the news. 

Rooney Mara won best actress at Cannes Film Festival for “Carol.”  Nice to see the granddaughter/heiress of the founders of both the New York Giants and the Pittsburgh Steelers finally catch a break. 

Money does not buy happiness. But being broke doesn’t buy f*ck-all. 

Dear Actors Who Go By Three Names:

Our pea-brains - the public’s brains - have room for one male actor with three names and one female actor with three names. And that is used up with Sarah Jessica Parker and Neil Patrick Harris. That is it. 

Anyone else with three names we will never, ever remember. 

Since he was a kid in “Third Rock From the Sun” I have been a fan of Joseph G-something something or other with an L. And I became a huge fan after “500 Days of Summer.” But, as talented as he is, I cannot remember his three names.

That guy who plays Stiffler in “American Pie.” Again, he is great. Was great in the three underrated “Goon” “Evolution” and “Role Models.” But I will never remember his three names. There is a Scott and a William and a something else with an S, Shane or Shaun or Sauna, but I don’t care.

All the rest of the three-name actresses are all Sarah Melissa Gellar Joan Evan Hart Rachel as far as we are concerned.  

Take the wonderful-in-every-possible-way, Jennifer Lawrence. Her middle name is Shrader. If she was Jennifer S. Lawrence, annoying but, OK, fine. As Jennifer Shrader Lawrence, she veritably dissolves into the ether.

Go by two freaking names. We already think actors are weird and difficult enough as it is. 

But don't go by one name. That is just world class annoying. 

Somebody with better computer skills than me, please do a mash-up alternating Dr. Ben's voice with Milton's from "Office Space." It shall be hilarious. 

Lilly Wood & The Prick and Robin Schulz - Prayer in C (Robin Schulz R...

Thanks Mike Olson
When asked if he would consider running for president, Tom Brady said there was a 0.000 chance. Although I suspect those numbers are slightly deflated. 

Snowboarders have gone to court to fight Utah’s Alta ski resort’s ban on snowboarders. I believe this landmark case is called: Righteous Dude Versus Bogus Barney. The main point of litigation is that the Snowboarders feel the rule banning them “Is, like, totally jacked-up.”

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

I just figured out how to stop ISIS. Put Donald Trump and Carly Fiorina in charge of ISIS and it will go bankrupt.

John Hiatt - Have a Little Faith in Me

Eff that ISIS ess right in the bee, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Bobby Jindal is dropping out of the race. Bobby wants to spend more time with his family that wasn’t going to vote for him either. 

Bobby Jindal is dropping out of the race. This is bad news for two people: comedian Aziz Ansari and his Bobby Jindal impression and Bobby Jindal’s follower. 

Charlie Sheen announced on “Today” that he is HIV positive. And in even more shocking news, Charlie Sheen’s penis has not fallen off yet. 

Ronda Rousey arrived back in Los Angeles but covered up her beat-up face from the press. Ronda’s face was swiped-right more Charlie Sheen’s Tinder profile.   

A proudly single Kate Hudson told “Harper’s Bizarre”  “It is nice to get acquainted with myself alone.” “Get Acquainted With Myself Alone” was my own personal high school prom theme. 

Now that Holly Holm has decisively knocked out Ronda Rousey, we do not know who Holly’s next opponent is. Please, please let it be Dallas Cowboy domestic abuser, Greg Hardy

Oakland Raiders linebacker, Aldon Smith, who has been arrested five times since 2012, was shocked he was suspended for a year for drug violations. Of course, Aldon is the kind of guy who will steal and sell your car and is shocked when you can’t give him a ride. 

“Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?”


“ISIS who?”

“Hey, you can tell the future.” 

What is the difference between Nazi SS officers and ISIS?

ISIS is a pile of festering, putrid, evil, slithering hog pus and I forget the question. 

Monday, November 16, 2015

john hiatt - perfectly good guitar

Wildly underrated rocking song
People are still talking about the upset knockout by Holly Holm of of Ronda Rousey. This is believed to be the biggest knockout of an attractive blonde not involving Bill Cosby. 

Denver Bronco, Peyton Manning, sets the NFL all-time passing yards record and then is yanked from the Kansas City Chiefs game for four interceptions. Worst day involving a slow white Bronco since OJ.

In the New York Giants 27-26 loss to the New England Patriots, Jason Pierre-Paul, who injured his hand in a fireworks accident, almost recorded his first sack, but was nullified due to an “Illegal use of the hands” penalty. Which was altered to an “Illegal use of the hand” penalty.

Track and Field’s governing body, the IAAF, has suspended the entire Russian team for state-sponsored doping. Russian woman shot putter, Nadzeya Ostapchuk, was so upset, she told the IAAF they could kiss her testicles. 

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Paris Forte

The New York Jets signed former British record-holding discus thrower Lawrence Okoye. Okoye should feel at home with the Jets. He’s used to spinning around in circles without going anywhere. 

Jeb Bush gave a supporter a chest-bump. Chris Christie gave a supporter a chest-bump. That supporter should be released from the hospital in two days.

This shows what a classless sell-out Mike Ditka is.

While I am saddened Ronda Rousey lost, I am glad Tony Harding has made a comeback.

So why did Amy Schumer beat the crap out of Ronda Rousey? 

The bad news for Lamar Odom is he may have brain damage and cannot remember people. The good news for Lamar is that he cannot remember Kris Jenner.