Wednesday, November 18, 2015

A $2,000 VIP ticket to the Justin Bieber show includes a backstage tour, a selfie with Justin and a T-Shirt that says; “Wow, Am I An A-Hole.”

The American Postal Workers Union has endorsed Bernie Sanders. They like Bernie because he is the only candidate who does not yet have an email account.

Even Dr. Ben Carson’s advisors are questioning Carson’s grasp of foreign policies.  For example when Ben said we need the support of our allies in the three countries of the Netherlands, Holland as well as the Dutch.

I’m starting to think Bernie Sanders is a little old. Today Bernie yelled; “You punks get off my lawn. Except for you Syrian refugees.” 

After admitting he is HIV positive, Charlie Sheen faces a lawsuit from Gloria Allred. HIV and Gloria Allred. One is a terrible infectious malady you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy and the other one is HIV. 

A company in Seattle is now making mini fedoras to go on men’s man buns. It’s the perfect Christmas gift for that douche-y guy on your list who just isn’t quite douche-y enough. 

“Zoolander No. 2” is out just in time to be nominated for the “Why The Hell Did They Make That?” awards.

Carly Simon revealed the song “You’re So Vain” is about Warren Beatty. “Wow, that is so exciting,” said the year 1973. 

KFC now offers home delivery. Because that was our biggest problem: getting fried chicken to fat people faster and with no effort on their part.  

Disclaimer: If you do order KFC delivered, there will come a time when you have to get your fat, stoned ass up off the coach to answer the door.


If you drink too much toilet wine in prison, are you flushed the next day?

Life is tough. You learn by experience. For example I know an idiot who will never use the word  “Harder” as my safeword again. As his. As his safeword. Not my. His. 

“The word terrorist should be replaced with the word “Disenfranchised with Anger Issues,” said a guy named Caden while adjusting his man-bun in his Prius. 

“I wonder what my dog has named me,” is a funny thought. It just wasn’t mine.

Have a comedy writing friend who is so liberal all he can think about is how to get Syrian pit bulls into the US. 

Donald Trump’s popularity is due to pandering to our lowest instincts of fear and hate. Unfortunately so is the news. 

Rooney Mara won best actress at Cannes Film Festival for “Carol.”  Nice to see the granddaughter/heiress of the founders of both the New York Giants and the Pittsburgh Steelers finally catch a break. 

Money does not buy happiness. But being broke doesn’t buy f*ck-all. 

Dear Actors Who Go By Three Names:

Our pea-brains - the public’s brains - have room for one male actor with three names and one female actor with three names. And that is used up with Sarah Jessica Parker and Neil Patrick Harris. That is it. 

Anyone else with three names we will never, ever remember. 

Since he was a kid in “Third Rock From the Sun” I have been a fan of Joseph G-something something or other with an L. And I became a huge fan after “500 Days of Summer.” But, as talented as he is, I cannot remember his three names.

That guy who plays Stiffler in “American Pie.” Again, he is great. Was great in the three underrated “Goon” “Evolution” and “Role Models.” But I will never remember his three names. There is a Scott and a William and a something else with an S, Shane or Shaun or Sauna, but I don’t care.

All the rest of the three-name actresses are all Sarah Melissa Gellar Joan Evan Hart Rachel as far as we are concerned.  

Take the wonderful-in-every-possible-way, Jennifer Lawrence. Her middle name is Shrader. If she was Jennifer S. Lawrence, annoying but, OK, fine. As Jennifer Shrader Lawrence, she veritably dissolves into the ether.

Go by two freaking names. We already think actors are weird and difficult enough as it is. 

But don't go by one name. That is just world class annoying.