Reportedly there is a shortage of turkeys this year. Yeah. They’re all running for president. 

A 54-year-old man in China had to go to the hospital after he tried to remove his hemorrhoids with a toy sword. When they asked him to rate his hemorrhoid pain, he said it was somewhere around nine and Justin Bieber’s first day in a Turkish prison. 

40-year-old soccer legend, David Beckham, is “People's” sexiest man alive. Which is pretty impressive to be that sexy without being able to use your hands. 

After a ten-year battle with the NCAA, the University of North Dakota has changed their name from the Fighting Sioux to the Fighting Hawks. The Audubon Society, however, finds the name the Fighting Hawks pugilistic and offensive. 

The Fighting Hawks. Much better mascot than their temporary replacement: the Whining Man-Buns. 

Donald Trump claims he has lost 15 pounds while campaigning. So this just in: Donald Trump has lost three pounds while campaigning.

The adultery website, Ashley Madison, appears to be going out of business. When asked why a business based on cheating on spouses would fail, one financial expert said: Karma. 

Kylie Jenner said she would rather stab herself than live with Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. So look for the latest episode of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” titled: “I will cut a bitch.”