Saturday, November 07, 2015

Now, I am guilty of laying down the stupid and silly. But I want to get serious for a little bit about an experience I had that was both awful and wonderful. Sometimes life gives us those moments to keep us on our toes, I suspect.

Due to a tragedy a few years ago, I attended the memorial service of an amazing young woman. Everybody was deeply shaken and crying. 

But there was one sweet girl in the back, long brown hair, a little heavy, about 13, special-needs, who was inconsolable.  Inconsolable. The young woman who died and this sweetheart of a girl were clearly close.

Until then, I had not spent much time thinking about that word inconsolable, but this poor little girl made me redefine it.

Without a trace of embarrassment or pretense or the slightest hint of any kind of filter, between sobs, she just openly poured out her grief:

"Why, Mommy? Why? Why did this happen?"

Her mother tried as best she could to console her, but, well, she was inconsolable:

"Why did she go? I won't ever see her again, will I?"

Each time she cried out it was like getting punched in the heart by an angel. To hear that much unqualified love was a blessing. To hear how much pain it caused this kind, gentle lamb of a girl was excruciating. 

Part of me couldn't take it. Part of me couldn't stop listening. 

And then came the knockout punch:

"Did I do something wrong, Mommy?" 

Dr. Ben Carson said he believes Joseph used the pyramids to store grain. You know who hates to hear this stuff? The people on whose brains Carson operated. Suddenly they feel he could not have hooked things up right. 

Skier, Lindsay Vonn, received several stitches in her thumb after breaking up a Frisbee fight between her two dogs, Leo and Bear. All in all, Vonn said the experience was still better than dating Tiger Woods. 

Speaking of jock's injured hands . . . 

Jason Pierre-Paul, who injured his hand in a fireworks accident, will play for the Giants today against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Jason will find it challenging to play minus a finger and thumb. On the other hand, (cough) he probably won’t be called for holding. 

A San Diego murderer, Joseph Anthony Hill, was sentenced to 247 years in prison. “Wow, 247 years, when he gets out, he will be old,” said high school students bad at math and physiology. 

A San Diego courtroom burst into applause when a murder, Joseph Anthony Hill, was sentenced to 247 years in prison. But he could be out in 232 years with good behavior.

Kris Jenner’s kids, Kylie and Kendall, threw Kris a Roaring 20’s party. This confused Kim Kardashian; “Like, Mom is like 60. Like, she's too old to have a 20’s party.”

Since you asked;

I've said it before, I will say it again:

Success is having the guts to allow failure to catapult your optimism into the realm of insanity. 

Dr. Ben Carson is furious at the press for questioning his early TV career portraying Urkel.

Same with Trump and his portrayal of the Crabby Apple Tree in "The Wizard of Oz."

Today's Ass-Gasket Statement:

"So many Millennials are interested more in the narrative of the wine rather than the wine," said Jason Jacobeit, of Batard restaurant in New York. From "The Wall Street Journal."

No word yet on what the agenda of the wine might be. 

Friday, November 06, 2015

In an interview, Hall of Famer, Jerry Rice, claimed he was the most well-endowed guy in the NFL. Turns out Rice is not just a 49’er, he’s also a 12 and- a-half’er.

The size isn't Jerry's problem. Let's just say the women nicknamed him "Minute Rice." 

Dallas Cowboy owner, Jerry Jones, supports Greg Hardy, but said he did not have access to the pictures of Hardy’s ex-girlfriend’s disturbing bruises. A new stadium and no WiFi. Man, $1.2 billion does not buy you as much as it used to. 

$1.2 billion for a stadium and it doesn't come with WiFi. My daughter's Ford Fusion came with WiFi.

Sharon Stone is posing naked for “Harpers Bizarre” at age 57. She looks great, but she is getting up there. Unlike “Fatal Attraction,” now when Sharon uncrosses her legs, what do you see? Depends. 

Dr. Ben Carson and Donald Trump, i.e. the Coma and the Comb-over

Official Statement on the Article in TMZ:

At this point in time, i.e. now, I would like to say there is no truth to the TMZ rumor that I am dating Gwen Stefani. At least as far as I know. If and when this changes, I will inform you on a need-to-know basis. 
You can tell we have passed from Halloween to Thanksgiving. Donald Trump’s spray tan has gone from Carmel Corn orange/yellow to Pumpkin Sienna. 

A Florida man faces over a year in jail for animal cruelty after he bit and injured his dog. In a related story, this story is extremely confusing to the people of North Korea. 

Real Madrid’s, Karim Benzema, has been arrested for bribing another player with a sex tape. There is a sex tape scandal in the NFL. The game films of the Detroit Lions show them screwing their season.   

The Department of Homeland Security has approved Secret Service protection for Dr. Ben Carson and Donald Trump. Their Secret Service codenames are the Coma and the Combover. 

A New York Met fan got a Mets 2015 World Champions tattoo before the World Series. Those Mets fans are cocky, even Mr. Met has a big head. 

Wednesday, November 04, 2015

Apparently, looking at Trump, what America is crippled with are painful hemorrhoids 

In Kansas City, it is estimated 800,000 people showed up for the Royals’ World Series Victory Parade. In New York, 45 people were in Times Square to tell the Mets they suck.

New York Giant, Jason Pierre-Paul, who severely injured his right hand in fireworks accident, may play this Sunday against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. In practice, a happy Jason could be seen giving his teammates a high-three. 

So far the Giants are taking a hands-off approach on Pierre-Paul.

No comment from Jason’s agent, Jimmy Fallon. 

Since you asked:

In the aftermath of the World Series, gay New York Mets fans say they disagree with Daniel Murphy’s dropping baseballs lifestyle. 

Now that the Denver Broncos destroyed the Green Bay Packers, we should just give the Lombardi Trophy to the New England Patriots. Regardless that Tom Brady has the personality of a 70’s after-school anti-sex and drugs special.

Derek Jeter is engaged to “SI” swimsuit cover model, Hanna Davis. Good to see that poor schmuck finally catch a break.

To bad Alex Rodriguez couldn’t take PED’s,  Personality Enhancing Drugs. (See what I did there?)

Hillary Clinton is a heartless, straight-up stone-cold bitch and I am not so sure that is a bad thing when it comes to being a politician. 

If you watch sports, you have seen the Behr paint commercial where the two uber-hip couples living in the chic, all glass, Silver Lake, CA or SoHo, NY apartment buildings are in the elevator after they bought paint. The better looking guy says to the schlubbier guy;

“Hey, you guys should come over later.”

Now isn’t that nice? Not only are they hipper than the rest of us - and better at keeping their homes in repair - they are better neighbors too. What a generous invitation. One can only imagine the quality of the red wine and the brie cheese they will serve.

No, the invitation is just a ruse to rub it in to their downstairs neighbor’s faces that they bought defective paint that takes much longer to apply. When Mr. and Mrs Perfect Behr Paint are done painting, they confirm the fact with a vindictive call to their still-painting-idiot-neighbors that ends with them sighing; 

“They’re still at it.” 

They then try to disguise their smug satisfaction with a fake look of sympathy for their poor, stupid, slow and ignorant downstairs neighbors.

Well, eff you, smug Behr painters. Eff you and the Prius your smug ass rode in on. While you were using the words Narrative and Agenda way too much, you wife’s agenda was to catch an STD from her Yoga instructor and give it to you,  Mr. “Hey, you guys should come over later”guy.  Whose narrative is clearly that he is in the throes of a severe pedaphile-related sexual identity crisis. 

The only decent human being in commercials is AT&T Lily. God bless AT&T Lily. 

No, Quentin Tarantino's problem isn't just that he looks like he has spent his entire life snorting the cheapest cocaine he can find. 

The problem with Quentin Tarantino is the same problem with Donald Trump. It is not political. It is that they both have lived so long with a yes-man's nose ensconced so far up their rectums, fawning over their every word, they truly believe everything they say is brilliant. 

So when they say things that are beyond idiotic, like cops and Mexicans are all murderers, there is nobody there who will tell them what out-of-touch jizz-buckets they truly are. 

By the way, Jizz Bucket is my new punk/heavy metal band. 

Now it looks like ISIS bombed the Russian jet. 

While in the KGB, Putin, or Vlady the P. as I call him,  was famous for ending terrorism in Russia by finding the terrorists and sending them back to their sleeper cell with their dissected genitals stuffed into their mouths and their lips sewn shut. (It seems Muslims don't like that) 

Why do I think it is going to be so much fun to see what Putin does to ISIS? Putin is going to treat ISIS the way a picture of Putin without his shirt treats our eyeballs.

I want to become the Charles Bukowski of comedy writing. Except with less drinking, less writing and a far better childhood. Either way, his writing philosophy of "Don't try" is simpatico with mine.

And we both hate Disney. It is my belief that any comedy writer worth his salt should watch a trite, cliche-ridden, faux-hip Disney Channel children's "comedy" and strive to write the exact opposite. 

Monday, November 02, 2015

On Halloween, a kid came to our door dressed as New York Mets player, Daniel Murphy. At first he was a big hit, but then he kept dropping his candy. 

My Halloween was a little rough, to be candid. My Slutty Caitlyn Jenner costume did not go over well, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

There is new test to see if you’ve been misdiagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. The ADD test looked fascinating, but, somehow, I wasn’t able to finish it.

A study claims marijuana can be as effective as Adderall in treating ADHD. But marijuana can disrupt the memory. Not only that, but marijuana can disrupt the memory. 

The Volkswagen emission scandal includes Porsche. So now, if you own a Porsche, not only do you have a small penis, your car pollutes too much also. 

A semi-truck full of honey bees overturned on a Colorado highway. The police suspect the driver was buzzed. 

Soccer star, Abby Wambach, gave out Halloween candy to a little girl dressed as her. Comedian Larry David thought he gave candy to a little boy dressed as him, but it turns out he was dressed as Bernie Sanders. 

It is the 15th anniversary of the International Space Station. 15 years of; “Don’t bother knocking if this Zero-Gravity sleep cubicle is rocking.”

Did you have a good Halloween? Mine was rough. I went as a New York Met. My Mets uniform started out fine, but by the end, the collar chocked me. 

On “The Real,” former president of the Spokane NAACP, Rachel Dolezal, finally admitted she was white. In an equally shocking statement, Caitlyn Jenner admitted she can’t have children. 

Did you  have a good Halloween? A bunch of kids came to our door dressed as the 1-7 Detroit Lions, but they didn’t have the strength to ring the doorbell. 

Chipotle closed 40 restaurants on the West Coast due to E Coli. It is so bad, you could actually get sicker eating at Chipotle than if you ate at Taco Bell. 

In Arizona, a truck filled with 22 tons of pizza dough flipped and the pizza dough spilled out on the highway. After the pizza dough had been on the filthy pavement, they scooped it up, baked it and it still tasted better than Little Caesar’s. 

The Kansas City Royals won their first World Series since 1985. To show how much things have changed, back in 1985 the Rolling Stones and Madonna were on tour and Sly Stallone was still playing Rocky in movies. 

There is some debate as to how Kansas City got the name Royals. Some say it honors the Negro league team, the Monarchs, and others say it is named after a rodeo. There is no truth to rumor they are named after the British Royal family because they also have not done anything since 1985. 

Since you asked:

Tiger Woods’s former caddy, Steve Williams, has written a tell-all book detailing  Tiger's poor behavior. From the excerpts I read, not only did Williams claim not to know about all of Tiger’s affairs - which everyone else on tour knew - but apparently Williams’s bullying and screaming at fans and the press was only a cover for his secret work as the New Zealand Mother Teresa. It’s amazing he was able to caddy as long as he did without his angel wings popping out. 

Congratulations to the Kansas City Royals. Great team, great fans. Congratulations to the New York Mets. Great team. 

Did anyone else notice thousands of the New York Mets fans poured out of the stadium after the game was tied in the ninth? They left a World Series game that was tied in regulation. After the game, the Mets players came out to thank their fans. The problem? There were no Mets fans there. Only Royals fans. 

It seemed the New York Mets - and their fans -  were getting cocky going into the Fall Classic. Maybe that World Series loss will keep Mr. Met from getting a big head. 

The reports of Peyton Manning’s demise are somewhat exaggerated. (And yes, I was guilty of doing that)

The amount of commercials during an NFL game have gone from ridiculous, to funny, to repulsive and infuriating.