Wednesday, November 04, 2015

Apparently, looking at Trump, what America is crippled with are painful hemorrhoids 

In Kansas City, it is estimated 800,000 people showed up for the Royals’ World Series Victory Parade. In New York, 45 people were in Times Square to tell the Mets they suck.

New York Giant, Jason Pierre-Paul, who severely injured his right hand in fireworks accident, may play this Sunday against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. In practice, a happy Jason could be seen giving his teammates a high-three. 

So far the Giants are taking a hands-off approach on Pierre-Paul.

No comment from Jason’s agent, Jimmy Fallon. 

Since you asked:

In the aftermath of the World Series, gay New York Mets fans say they disagree with Daniel Murphy’s dropping baseballs lifestyle. 

Now that the Denver Broncos destroyed the Green Bay Packers, we should just give the Lombardi Trophy to the New England Patriots. Regardless that Tom Brady has the personality of a 70’s after-school anti-sex and drugs special.

Derek Jeter is engaged to “SI” swimsuit cover model, Hanna Davis. Good to see that poor schmuck finally catch a break.

To bad Alex Rodriguez couldn’t take PED’s,  Personality Enhancing Drugs. (See what I did there?)

Hillary Clinton is a heartless, straight-up stone-cold bitch and I am not so sure that is a bad thing when it comes to being a politician. 

If you watch sports, you have seen the Behr paint commercial where the two uber-hip couples living in the chic, all glass, Silver Lake, CA or SoHo, NY apartment buildings are in the elevator after they bought paint. The better looking guy says to the schlubbier guy;

“Hey, you guys should come over later.”

Now isn’t that nice? Not only are they hipper than the rest of us - and better at keeping their homes in repair - they are better neighbors too. What a generous invitation. One can only imagine the quality of the red wine and the brie cheese they will serve.

No, the invitation is just a ruse to rub it in to their downstairs neighbor’s faces that they bought defective paint that takes much longer to apply. When Mr. and Mrs Perfect Behr Paint are done painting, they confirm the fact with a vindictive call to their still-painting-idiot-neighbors that ends with them sighing; 

“They’re still at it.” 

They then try to disguise their smug satisfaction with a fake look of sympathy for their poor, stupid, slow and ignorant downstairs neighbors.

Well, eff you, smug Behr painters. Eff you and the Prius your smug ass rode in on. While you were using the words Narrative and Agenda way too much, you wife’s agenda was to catch an STD from her Yoga instructor and give it to you,  Mr. “Hey, you guys should come over later”guy.  Whose narrative is clearly that he is in the throes of a severe pedaphile-related sexual identity crisis. 

The only decent human being in commercials is AT&T Lily. God bless AT&T Lily. 

No, Quentin Tarantino's problem isn't just that he looks like he has spent his entire life snorting the cheapest cocaine he can find. 

The problem with Quentin Tarantino is the same problem with Donald Trump. It is not political. It is that they both have lived so long with a yes-man's nose ensconced so far up their rectums, fawning over their every word, they truly believe everything they say is brilliant. 

So when they say things that are beyond idiotic, like cops and Mexicans are all murderers, there is nobody there who will tell them what out-of-touch jizz-buckets they truly are. 

By the way, Jizz Bucket is my new punk/heavy metal band. 

Now it looks like ISIS bombed the Russian jet. 

While in the KGB, Putin, or Vlady the P. as I call him,  was famous for ending terrorism in Russia by finding the terrorists and sending them back to their sleeper cell with their dissected genitals stuffed into their mouths and their lips sewn shut. (It seems Muslims don't like that) 

Why do I think it is going to be so much fun to see what Putin does to ISIS? Putin is going to treat ISIS the way a picture of Putin without his shirt treats our eyeballs.

I want to become the Charles Bukowski of comedy writing. Except with less drinking, less writing and a far better childhood. Either way, his writing philosophy of "Don't try" is simpatico with mine.

And we both hate Disney. It is my belief that any comedy writer worth his salt should watch a trite, cliche-ridden, faux-hip Disney Channel children's "comedy" and strive to write the exact opposite.