Saturday, December 31, 2011

What a day at La Jolla Shores. First there was a heavy layer of fog over the ocean, but the waves were curling and fun, so I bravely ventured out. Could surf the no-man's land between La Jolla Beach and Tennis and La Jolla Shores lifeguard tower because it was too foggy for the lifeguards to see me.

Then the fog lifted. Caught a wave, went right - like this guy up there, but only smaller, 2 to 3 feet - and got bucked. Reached out with the paddle to keep from falling and that is how I rode the wave all the way in. 50% leaning way out on the paddle, 50% on the board.

New on my stand up paddle board bucket list? Paddle around Alcatraz.

Not to say I am not easily impressed with things, I am, but I do tend to build things up so much in my head that they usually are impossible to live up to when I do see or experience them. Take, for example, the eternal flame at John F. Kennedy's grave. It was inspiring, beautiful, moving and unforgettable, but I had it build up in my mind as some colossal fireworks-shooting monument.

Here is a list of some of the things that, once seen and or experienced in person, far exceeded my lofty expectations:


Washington D.C.

Mount Hood

Kathy Ireland

Silverton, Colorado

Santa Barbara


New York City, especially Central Park in Fall and Christmas

The Angel-hair pasta at El Molino in the Village

San Francisco

Wrigley Field

Kasey and Wrigley

The Grand Canyon

Mammoth Ski Resort

Sex with Jennifer Aniston (Just checking to see if you're paying attention)


Flying in a plane


Big Sur

Stand Up Paddle Board Surfing

Seeing a Great White Shark 30 feet away.

Helicopter snowboarding in the Canadian Rockies

The entire area of Northern Lake Michigan on the Michigan side, especially Grand Haven, Petosky, Mackinac Island and the Grand Hotel.

And of course my lovely wife and daughter, Virginia and Ann Caroline.

Denver Official Guilty! Dog Video

My favorite part is the dead-on Woody Harrelson impression Denver's Dad does.

Friday, December 30, 2011

Keep on rocking in the free world, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Did you see Newt Gingrich get all weepy over his mom at the Des Moines meeting? It was quite emotional, even orange house speaker John Boehner said; "Dude, get it together, really."

Proud to say I made one of those "Best Quotes of the Year" lists in a Canadian newspaper;

"Kim Kardashian was married in a white wedding dress; that's about as appropriate as Richard Simmons getting married in a Chicago Bear uniform."

Yes, I just quoted myself.


I'll take a word we don't use on Wrigley very much for $500, Alex.

Since you asked:

You simply have to love the commonality and the predictability of big time celebrity unions like Katy Perry and Russell Brand.

First there are the leaked paparazzi photos of them emerging together from a club or restaurant and then the vehement denials they are together from both publicists.

This is followed by the leaked paparazzi photos of them together shopping on Rodeo Drive or Fifth Avenue and then the vehement denials from both sides.

This is followed by the leaked paparazzi photos of them together wearing engagement rings and the vehement denials of being engaged from both sides.

Then the admission of their engagement and the expensive bidding of who gets to take the wedding pictures to be leaked by the paparazzi.

Then the six months of wedded bless with leaked paparazzi photos of them holding hands on the beach while jogging in Malibu and - as much as I hate to say it - stand up paddle boarding in Hawaii.

Then the leaked paparazzi photos of their new dog/child/cat/bird they named Lugnut or Enclave, Saturn, Bicycle or Persimmon.

Then the leaked paparazzi photos of the happy couple suddenly doing things separately followed by vehement denials of any problems from both parties and their admission that they despise the paparazzi who are causing these lies to be spread.

Then the leaked paparazzi-leaked photos of each of them canoodling with a new lover/celebrity followed by the vehement denials from both camps of anything being wrong with the marriage.

Then the dramatic public announcement of their divorce. And a pleading request that the vile and evil paparazzi respect their privacy during this difficult time.

The whole process is so sweet and sincere.

My intention was to document Wrigley's tears after he cries for Kasey. Look closely and you can see just a few tears - he wasn't crying for long this time. What happened accidentally is Wrigley is on the exact same spot and the same ray of late afternoon light as Kasey was when she died.

Asked to comment on rumors he has split with his wife, Katy Perry, Russell Brand said, in his own uniquely flamboyant-for-a-straight-guy clipped British way, with jazz hands a flitter and flopping lace cufflinks flying:

“Sure, we’ve had a few kerfufles perhaps an imbroglio and even a hulabaloo or two, but . . . I’m sorry, what was the question?”

Wow, if a guy who tries as hard as he can to look and sound gay and a girl who's famous for a song called "I Kissed a Girl" (and I liked it) can't make it, what chance do the rest of us have?

Since you asked:

Haven’t told this story in a while, but it is worth re-telling. For my non-San Diego/non-football fans, Junior Seau is a Hall of Fame linebacker from the Chargers, he’s a hometown boy who cuts as big a swath in San Diego as did Tony Gywnn.

Cut to:

Crowded bagel shop and a long line that is moving slowly. A 30-something, attractive woman begins talking very loudly - almost shouting - on her cell phone;

Loud woman on cell phone:

“Guess who I just landed as a new client?”

We all know people who are so annoying they actually make you guess? Yep, she is one of them.

Loud woman:

“No, no, no, no, no. It’s Junior Seau. Gotta go.”

The guy next to me and I kind of raise eyebrows and say “Hmm.’

Loud woman calling next victim:

“Guess who I just landed as a new client? No, no, no . . .”

Me to my new buddy:

“I’m gonna guess its Junior Seau.”

Loud woman:

“Junior Seau. Gotta go.”


“See? I was right.”

New buddy;

“Amazing guess. Who’d you do it?”

Loud woman to next victim:

“Guess who I just signed as a new client? No, no, no . . .”

My new buddy:

“Let me try and guess. Uh, OJ Simpson?”

Loud woman:

“Junior Seau.”

My new buddy;


Now my new buddy and I are cracking up along with several people in line.

Loud woman to next victim;

“Guess who I just signed as a new client?”

No everyone in line is chiming in;

“Osama bin Laden?”



“Hillary Clinton?”

Loud woman;

“Junior Seau.”

Entire crowd as one:



"Darn. Didn't see that coming.”

Loud woman looks up with a very perplexed look on her face as everyone is giggling at her. But she then proceeds undaunted.

Loud woman:

“Guess who I just signed as a new client? No, no, no, no, no, no. Junior Seau. Gotta go.”

Now my new buddy and I are wondering out-loud what service she provides to Junior. Therapist? Car detailer? Real Estate agent? As I said, she’s fairly attractive, and Junior is recently divorced so I announce I have decided that she is a hooker.

My new buddy agrees and so do several people in line.

Loud woman:

“Guess who I just signed up as a new client? No, no, no, no, Junior Seau. Yes, really. Yeah, I just finished doing his two Rottweilers.”

My new buddy:

“Wow, kinky. ”

The whole bagel shop bursts into laughter. The loud woman storms out, jumps in her “Dog Groomer”-labeled van and takes off.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Top aid quits Michele Bachmann's campaign for Ron Paul's. Worst shock for Bachmann since she caught her husband, Marcus, naked in the hot tub with the hot young guy attempting to pray-away-the-gay with champagne and shoulder rubs.

"This Is My Story" - Ben Breedlove Flash Card Video [Part 1 & 2]

Rest in peace, Ben Breedlove, a real hero.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

SUP-Sean & Steve .mov

This has your buddy, Lexman, written all over it.

It Could Be Worse

The good news this Christmas? That really hot person at work gave you an unexpected present. The bad news? It was a gift certificate to Yoga For Round Bodies.

Kim Jong-Il and now Cheetah. It's well known that three-foot-tall, poop-flinging celebrities die in threes, so watch your orange ass, Snooki.

Had a rough experience. Went to go see the movie "Warhorse." Saw some nasty, cheap English adult movie called "Whore Arse" by mistake. Danm lyxdesia.

Since you asked:

Those annoying people - old farts get a pass - who hang that rude, lazy and frustrating long-slow-diagonal-walk in front of your car in the parking lot so you have to slow to a crawl until they finally get to their car? They, A, usually have a giant fat ass, and, B, they loudly scuffle their footwear on the blacktop, a sure sign of a douche-bag.

Warning: You will now notice this happening ALL THE TIME.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

This is from my comedy writing buddy, Jerry Perisho's, Facebook profile picture

Congratulations to Drew Brees, a class act. His amazing success always makes me smile when I think of the incredibly crass words of that pompous ass-bag, Troy Aikman.

When asked of LaDanian Tomlinson and Drew Brees's Texas high school goals to be the next Emmit Smith and Troy Aikman, Aikman veritably sniffed;

"Tomlinson might be the next Emmit Smith, but Drew Brees will never, ever be as good as a Troy Aikman."

That amazingly egotistical and snotty remark has made me a non-fan of Aikman ever since.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Separated at birth?

Did you see what I saw when you first saw this? Yep, her paddle is way too long.

Boo-shang* a ding dang, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The most annoying word of 2011 was voted to be Whatever. The most annoying two words of 2011? Whatever Kardashian.

In Arizona man who had been in a coma so long they were about to harvest his organs, suddenly woke up. It was miraculous, he jumped out of bed, knelt down and Tebow’d.

By now everyone has seen the viral clip of the L.A. FedEx delivery guy tossing the computer monitor box over a fence. That’s not the worst part. He used to deliver for a pet store.

“Transformers: Dark of the Moon” was voted 2011 movie with the most mistakes. It has worse mistakes than the movie who has Chaz Bono in it, “Young Adult.” Sorry, that’s not Chaz Bono, that’s Patton Oswalt, my bad.

It has been revealed that New York Yankee star, Derek Jeter, provides the girls he sleeps with a basket of autographed memorabilia the next morning. This is not new. Madonna has her very own Babe Ruth autographed bat.

Alec Baldwin announced he will not run for Mayor of New York City. Turns out he can’t stop playing Words with Friends long enough to campaign.

Denver Bronco QB, Tim Tebow, is rumored to be dating gorgeous gold medal skier, Lindsay Vonn; well that explains everything. Tebow isn’t kneeling to pray, he’s resting after a night of Lindsay riding him like a Giant Slalom course.

John Edwards is asking if his criminal trial for campaign finance abuse could be postponed due to health reasons. Not sure if the judge will buy this, split ends on Edwards’s bangs isn’t really a health issue.

Kim Kardashians's ex, Kris Humphries, signed a one-year deal with the New Jersey Nets that will give him $8 mil in paychecks. Asked to comment, Kim said; "What is a paycheck?"

Since you asked:
Lex, buddy, I appreciate the effort, I really do.. But you just ain't gonna make Boo-shang a thang. That's it. That's all of it. At the end of the day, not for nothing, it is what it is, literally.
This just in:

A new study claims that Christmas is the best time to tell a loved one they are overweight; an even newer study reveals the prior study is full of crap.

Albert Likes to Chat 2

Wrigley has a twin in Albert

Stand Up Paddle fall in front of Shark

Pippa is hot an eh-eee-thang, but there is a little of the great Amy Sedaris's "Strangers with Candy" Jerry Blank in there.

An Iranian woman had her adultery sentence changed from a stoning to a hanging. Some people get all the luck.

You know you're having a tough time when being told you're being hanged is good news.

Men are fighting at shoe stores over pairs of the retro Air Jordans by Nike. This marks the first time in history the words "Men are fighting at shoe stores" have ever appeared together.

A Florida man ordered a beer at a bar, left to rob a nearby bank, and came back to the bar to finish the beer where he was promptly arrested. Come on, people of Florida, you're not even trying not to be the lowest trash in the country.

Mitt Romney said he thinks Newt Gingrich would be too zany as president; remember, though, Mitt thinks zany is not leaving the shower to pee.

Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves are engaged;

"Well, ahhright, ahhright, aaahhhhhhriiiiiight."

The New York Jets can still make the playoffs, but they need more help than Rexxxx Ryan trying to put on a pair of spandex bike shorts.

Since you asked:
That tall leggy chick in the T- Mobile commercial is hot, hot, hot, but me thinks she has a serious case of the Golly Wilburs* going on.

* The huge horse-gums Mr. Ed showed when he said "Golly, Wilbur."

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Merrizy Chrismizzle, local knowledge done up and put the boo-shang on the woo-tang, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers